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News


Sophomore’s Plan to Use Last Day of Fall Break to Catch Up on Three Weeks of Reading Backfires

College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.


Freshman Confuses Fall Break as Another Jewish Holiday, Still Goes to Class

Mitchel also reports she was looking forward to a less crowded Hillel lunch, but, to her dismay, the dining hall was closed for the break. In fact, so was every other dining hall on campus.


Classics Major Attempts British accent, and O! How the Muses Sing Through Him

Bateman, a native of Solon, Ohio, explained his approach. "I tried to imagine those ancient Greeks around a crackling fire-- almost like our seminar in Claudia Cohen-- and just thought how to read the story as they would, which would obviously be in the King's English.


Second Coming of Jordan at Pottruck is 45-Year Old Master’s Student from the Philippines

Despite not uttering a single word for hours, Del Rosario was channeling his inner Jordan, hitting countless fadeaways on individuals many feet taller than him.


Freshman in CIS Office Hours Confused by TA's Response: 'At Two-Hundred Twelve'

Freshman Jack Liu, a prospective CIS major, attended CIS 160 office hours on Tuesday evening to receive guidance on his homework. Unfortunately, he left more confused than when he entered.


Freshman Destroys Writing Sem Portfolio in Homage to Banksy

Writing Seminar—a time-intensive rite of passage for freshmen (and more than a few seniors) which culminates into two portfolios of work, one for the midterm and one for the final.


Hoodie Allen Wins MacArthur Genius Grant for Song 'UPenn Girls'

Penn alum Steven “Hoodie Allen” Markowitz has been selected for a 2018 MacArthur Fellowship, commonly known as the “Genius Grant,”  the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation announced Thursday.


Student Claims Houston Hall Renovation Not Fancy Enough, Needs Swimming Pool

It’s never enough: College sophomore Jared Rivkin was extremely disappointed in the Houston Hall renovations unveiled this fall. “15.5 million dollars and not one swimming pool in sight,” Rivkin said. “I just don’t get it.”


Wharton Students Score Surprisingly High on Empathy Test

Since 2016, Penn completely overhauled its Wharton 101 curriculum. But a little-known part of this change? All Wharton freshman were required to take an empathy test.


Amy Wax Up In Arms Over Takedown of 'Perfectly Nice' Priests

After a year of wildly controversial and deeply prejudiced statements, Penn Law professor Amy Wax is up in arms again—this time over what she sees as the systemic takedown of careers of some “perfectly nice” priests throughout Pennsylvania.


Penn Law Professors Confer: Wanting to Fuck Gritty the Mascot Does Not Make You a Furry

"People who are sexually aroused by Gritty need not cross their legs in shame,' the law professors" statement reads. "By definition, a 'furry fetish' requires that object of desire is both non-human and abnormal in nature. In the case of Gritty, the evidence has shown that his sex appeal is anything but abnormal."


Gutmann Plans to Bulldoze Plaza on 38th and Chestnut to Build New New College House West North

Goodbye Koreana, hello Second Year Experience! After announcing mandatory on-campus living for all sophomores beginning in 2021, Gutmann has made moves to open yet another dorm—New New College House West North.


Student Planning to Take 8 C.U. Rescued By Administration, Now Only Taking 7.5

Alex Sanson (E ’20) doesn’t know when to stop. This deranged triple major has run amuck on the PennInTouch course selection page, slurping up courses like a tactless warthog at a buffet. But the madness ends today.


College of Arts and Sciences Receives Generous Donation of 1995 Windows PC

In an unprecedented display of charity, an anonymous donor has gifted the College of Arts and Sciences a 23-year-old Windows computer—the largest gift in the school’s history.


Wharton School Ranks #1 Charitable Cause Amongst Wharton Grads

A study from the Wharton Behavioral Lab released today concluded that the Wharton School is the most popular charitable cause amongst Wharton graduates. Many Wharton grads cited charitable donation as “at odds” with their strong capitalist values, saying it would likely be better for those less fortunate to “figure it out for themselves.” Donating to their alma mater, however, appears to be the happy medium. 


BREAKING: Penn Ranks #1 in Use of the Word 'Interdisciplinary' in Admissions Packets

US News reports that Penn used the word 79 times in their admissions packets, over 7 times more frequently of their nearest competitors. Berkeley came in second with 6, Duke with 5, followed by literally every Ivy League school with either 0 or 1 mentions of the word.


Freshman Delighted To Discover Last Page Of Six Page Reading is a Bibliography

A six page, 10 point font, single spaced behemoth of a reading laid before her. She’d been here before.


'I Chose My Frat Because It's the Least Fratty One,' Insists Frat Boy

"Other frats are definitely bad. But this frat? It's just different," Cavanaugh said, adjusting the collar on his pastel Hawaiian shirt.


Senior Who Cut 50 Students From Club Furious Over 'Impersonal' OCR Process

"I hate how they pretend to get to know you and then reject you. It just feels fake and impersonal," complained Chan, whose club cut 50 freshmen after reading through responses to insightful, personalized questions such as, "Why do you want to join DIVEST?"


Freshman Boy Who's Been 'Lifting All Week' Frustrated Pottruck Employees Still Don't Recognize Him

Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward? “The Pottruck employees still don’t recognize me,” Thompson lamented to UTB. “I’ve gone almost every other day for a week, and they treat me like I’m just one gym goer out of thousands. It’s offensive, honestly. Maybe they just don’t recognize me because of how swole I’ve gotten. That’s probably it.”


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