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News


Sophomore Who Enjoys 'Philly’s Unique Atmosphere' Really Just Likes Smell of Weed

Some have a soft spot for Geno’s Steaks. Others are enamored by the skillful brushstrokes of yore at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. But sophomore Julie Atkinson fell in love with Philly for a different reason.


New Study Finds 6th Consecutive 'Ice-ing' Way Less Funny Than First

he conclusion was supported in multiple different environments, such as a pregame, Banana Leaf, or in your living with just you and your friend alone.


Improv-Comedy Group 'Without a Net' Finally Gets Funding for a Net

Penn’s improv group "Without a Net" might soon be needing a new name, as they have finally received the funds necessary for their very own net.


Top 5 Lecture Halls for Eating a Loud, Smelly Meal

Have you ever picked up your second chicken over rice of the day and thought to yourself, "Hmm... I wonder which hot, crowded, uncomfortable classroom I should eat this in?" Well, we've got five lecture halls where you'll be sure to make your classmates gag!


PPE? BBB? Take a Look At Penn's Newest, Most Intense Major: THC

Trade and Horticultural Cultivation, a Wharton-specific major, studies burgeoning financial markets in plant-related management, utility and technologies.


Nine Hour NEC Trial Ends Just Shy of Ten Hour Goal

With outcry by some over the what was seen as unnecessarily long process, the NEC on Monday released a statement saying it will try better in the future to get to a nice, even ten hours. 


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


Bob Casey Hosts a ‘Campaign and Shackles’ in an Attempt to Woo Penn Students

While polls put Senator Casey ahead of Lou Barletta the race for the U.S. Senate, this date night may be just the blatant pandering strategy that could put him over the edge in November.


Poetry Professor Removes Plaid Sportcoat Before Seminar Climax

Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.


Progressive Slap Cup Rule Update Replaces Bitch Cup With Meanie Cup

The American Society of Slap Cup (ASSCup) announced Friday that they had updated the rules of the popular drinking game Slap Cup to reflect calls for a more progressive game.


Tasty! Three Recipes to Make the Most of the Mold in Your Dorm Room

It’s hot, wet, and moist in the City of Brotherly Love, which means that it’s everyone’s favorite time of year: mold season!


‘Seeing My High School Friends Was Weird -- I've Changed So Much,' Reports Freshman After Fall Break

Julia Matthews (W ‘22) knew she was always slightly outperforming her peers. She could understand math problems faster than most people, and she always gave the most insightful comments during classroom discussions. Of course, she was accepted to Penn.


Professor Admits to Setting Curve Just for 'The Drama'

Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.


Study Abroad Student Returns With Exotic Tapestry From Target to Hang in Dorm

Upon moving her belongings into her room, junior Kate Lanthorpe (C ’20) was praised for her wall artwork— especially the beautiful and exotic tapestry she got from Target.


SHS Diagnoses Virgin With Four STDs

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.


Student With Internship in DC Last Summer Unable to Stop Name Dropping

When Malia Jackson (W ‘20) was accepted for an internship with Senator Patty Murray (D-Washington), she was reportedly “ecstatic,” immediately making plans for a short-term lease on an apartment and packing all of her various power suits.


Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School

Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?


Report: Freshman Hallucinates After Eating Shrubs Along Locust

Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face. 


TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush

Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."


Geology Professor Cuts the Bullshit, Hands Everyone an A on the First Day of Class

Students in GEOL 104, Rocks and Sand, were met by a pleasant surprise on Tuesday when they received an email from CITsender. The Grade? An A+. For everyone in the class.


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