“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”

以前，中国学生都想去美国读书，但是现在，他们真的不明白美国为什么会搞成这样。还是在中国上学吧，起码你还可以去校园上课。

Back in August, taking a gap semester seemed like a good idea to would-be College Sophomore Sophie Smith, but now that all her friends are back in school and she's living under her parents' roof, she has decided that the spring semester can't come soon enough.

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.

“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!” 

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here 

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’.