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Host Shortage Forces 300 Prospective Freshmen to Sleep on College Green

College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.


​SHS Finds 100% Correlation Between Students Who Visit Them and Students Who Have Mono

The discovery was made by sophomore Keith Porbant (C ’20). Every time he would feel a little sick and would pay a visit to Student Health, it would almost become routine that he would end up walking out with a diagnosis of mononucleosis. 


Lame! This Sophomore Attends All Her Classes Because She Signed Up and Her Parents Paid for Them

Recently, UTB met with Sidney Andrews, a sophmore in the College who goes to all of her classes because they’re on her schedule and her parents paid for them. Sorry, wHaT?! Yeah, I’ll repeat.


Weekly Horoscope: Which Pret Sandwich is Your Sign?

The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette.


Girl Typing Furiously at Front of Lecture Isn't Actually Taking Notes, Just Messaging 8 Group Chats at Once

Seated in the front row of all of her econ and poli sci classes, PPE senior Janae Lewis always has a Macbook and Venti Starbucks iced black coffee at hand. She types furiously in a caffeine—and sometimes Adderall—fueled daze. She nods at everything the professor says, somehow taking notes even when there’s nothing to take notes on.


'This Club's Actually Pretty Boring,' Scoffs Junior Who Applied 6 Times Before Getting In

Some students define themselves by the clubs they’re part of. Not so with Anna May (E ‘19). Upon entering Penn, she knew that the Squirrel Protection Society (SPS) would be her home for the four years to come.


After Successful Visit From Exterminator, Student Buys Pet Mouse to Fill the Void

When Caroline Jimenez (W '19)  saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.


This Master Barterer Traded up From a Ferrari to a Pool Party Wristband

“I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how far I can take this?’” Michaels said.


4 Milks that Say ‘I’m Not Lactose Intolerant, I’m From Los Angeles’

If you are looking to complicate the life of your local barista, here are four milks that scream ‘I’m gastrointestinally stable, but God forbid I be left out of the wellness revolution.


56% of University Professors Felt CupcakKe Said ‘Vagina’ One Too Many Times

The study also found that 72% of professors listening were viscerally upset by the lyrics describing CupcakKe as “warm and melted.”


Fight Breaks out Between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Street Preachers on Top of the Button

Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 


Freshman Thinking Up Excuses to Miss Lecture Realizes No One Actually Cares if He Skips

Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.


Hip Penn Grandmother Sends Newspaper Clippings on How to Deal With Never-Ending Torrents of Anxiety and Depression

Always trying to adjust to the times, Penn grandmother Bess Walderstein is sure that her weekly envelope of newspaper clippings to her grandson, Connor (W '20), is relevant and helpful to his life at Penn.


Fling Concert Projected to Hit 50 Artists by 2030

This year, SPEC chose to bring four artists to Fling in a controversial move that several close friends of SPEC leadership lauded as "brave and innovative." However, our data analysts at Under the Button believe that this is simply the first step in a troubling trend.


​Prospective Freshman's Dinner With Parents Interrupted by 'Deepthroat' by CupcakKe

“Hump me, fuck me! Daddy better make me choke!” came bursting in through the cafe. Deborah Williams choked and gagged on her honey smoked turkey breast on ciabatta.


This Environmental Studies Major Wants You to Know He UberPools to Class

Unlike less eco-conscious Penn students, Environmental Studies sophomore David Friedman is doing his part to save our planet. “It’s disgusting how much waste we produce on campus,” Friedman said. “It’s time to make a change.”


'Help Me Penn Student, You're My Only Hope' Pleads Hologram Dean Furda in New Quaker Days Initiative

“Between the emails we send, the flyers that we hand out, and the skywriting we've done, we really don't know how to engage with the student body,“ an admissions spokesperson told UTB in an email.


Amy Gutmann To Have Campus Conversation with Tyga, IceJJFish, Carly Rae Jepsen, and the All-American Rejects

The topic of conversation has yet to be decided, and there is criticism as to how cohesive the talk will be, but event organizer Charles Johnson (W ’19) was quick to explain his reasoning with the choices.


'Trust the Process,' Yells Sixers Fan Planning to Tank All Finals

Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.


Fling Alternatives: Come Listen to Fall Out Boy in Warwick 107 Tonight at 8

Koenig’s roommate moved out in November because the dorm was allegedly “too lit,” so there’s plenty of space for the entire student body.


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