Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.

Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.

Martin is especially looking forward to engaging over the films many themes, which, from the trailer, appear to range from “having a twin” to “definitely race in America.” 

I cannot imagine a more grotesque abuse of journalistic power. You, loyal readers, put your trust in us and we let you down. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. 

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.

It wasn't interracial. It wasn't queer in any way, even though the guy did have pretty long hair. The couple didn't even have any tattoos. What year is it, 1971? 

But God willing, Jared Donovan was there to save the day. 

We certainly expect the trend to die down in a few weeks and for Jonathan to return to saying the N-word for other unjustifiable reasons.

You're students, he imagines, so you're here to learn. Right?

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected."

People from all political walks of life have decried the $7.50 an hour minimum wage. Finally, some concrete evidence has come to support an increase.

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.

Cinemark was half-price, so Emily, Angela, Liam, Brandon, and Alexis were ready to have a wild night (Raquel couldn’t make it. She has an exam tomorrow, and she is so behind smh.).

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.