Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks
While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.
News
Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'
This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.
Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks
While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.
Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks
Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?
Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'
This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.
Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm
Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.
Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting
It really is a dying art.
"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm
Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.
March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket
He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test.
This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop
Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.
President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'
His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”
Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight
Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.
Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade
It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day.
Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections
With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”
Penn Transit to Add New PennBus Route Direct to Long Island
Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.
Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers
Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.
Feel Old Yet? Class of 2023 Too Young to Remember Moon Landing
The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.
Controversial New Research Shows Students Perform Better on Tests if They Study More
Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it.
Penn Rowing Team Finally Reaches Shore
At long last, they’ve finally done it.
Dean Furda's Son to "Row Crew" at Penn Next Year
Jimmy can’t wait to graduate from Wharton in 2023 and is thrilled that he is getting into college athletics at such an opportune time.
Jerome Allen Received $300,000 in Bribes, Still Lowest Paid Wharton Grad
Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000. According to a representative to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”
REPORT: By 2050 Penn to Admit Just 3 Exceptional Robots
Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.
