After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!

Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.