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Opinion


Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them

It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.


5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries

“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”


Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?

But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?


OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?

It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.


OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him

My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.


OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.


Weird: Kevin is Going Home for Spring Break and He's Not Even Poor

Kevin isn't poor. I mean, I've met his parents. His dad is kind of ugly and his mom is hot, so yeah, I bet he's rich.


OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.


OP-ED: I Hope the World Ends Before I Graduate so I Don’t Disappoint My Mother by Not Going to Law School

 mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.


Thought Experiment: I Think I Could Do More Push-Ups Than Wendell Pritchett

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.


5 Laptop Stickers to Show Everyone Just How Intellectual You Are

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.


Get You a Girl That Can Do Both! I Love Socialism and Urban Outfitters

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops. 


OP-ED: These Articles Embarrass My Family and Haunt My Future Job Search, so Please at Least like Them

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 


OP-ED: I Would Totally Send My Daughter to Public School, but It’s Important to Me That She Tries Water Polo

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?


Jon Bon Jovi and 4 Other Things That Help Me Celebrate My White Heritage

Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.


OP-ED: How One Game of Marry, Fuck, Kill Got Me a Job at Bain

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.


OP-ED: Yeah He’s Hot, but He Only Has Three Beer Bottles Lined up on His Shelf

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?


OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"


OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.


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