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Opinion


OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.


Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?


OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.


OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.


How to Recover from Having Your Snapchat Camera Flipped the Wrong Way While Taking a Piss at a Urinal

Stay perfectly still like you’re just a mannequin of a boy peeing. Science has proven that if you stay perfectly still, people will think you are a statue or an art installation.


OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.


Cool! Girl Next to me Staring at Her Phone Even Though We Both Know Damn Well There's No Service on This Elevator

If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.


OP-ED: Hey Remember Me? I’m Your Dad’s Business Friend’s Son! We Should Have Lunch Sometime!

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 


Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye

His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.


Finance Bros Agree: Tiger Is a Sick Name for a Hedge Fund

Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.


OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.


Its Great to Be Back! In My Cubicle on the 3rd Floor of VP

Upon returning to campus, I visited my old friend to dust off its smooth, vandalized sides and to caress it.


OP-ED: Penn Should Build the Seyoung Kim House

It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.


I Transferred to Wharton to Concentrate in Accounting

Basically, I was born to account. For things. And that’s why I transferred to Wharton.


How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand

We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.


OP-ED: Summer Break Is over and Now I Am Illiterate

I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text. 


Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card

During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me. 


Peasants: Dress for Success or Avoid My Well-Bred Gaze

Despite all of us gaining admission to the same university, it’s become apparent that some have strayed from the tenant that got us here in the first place: being well dressed at every occasion. So I implore you, reader: please look presentable, or flee from my sight. 


OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes

I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.  


Fuck It: Who Wants to Buy Pics of My Feet?

People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down. 


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