The DP Angels is an advice column brought to you by your DP Design girlies, where we respond to questions from the Penn community concerning all things romance, social life, and campus culture! 

Privilege is so lit. Probably the best thing about being a straight white male.

 Like many regretful property owners, we were emboldened by a particularly charismatic real estate agent who convinced us to stretch just a little bit beyond our budget. 

Penn’s willful ignorance of Orthodox Jewish students’ religious practices, as well as Stephanie’s well-planned-out schedule to live it the fuck up in Bora Bora can be corrected. 

Honors/Awards: Second best bong ripper in my frat, 99+ Tinder likes, Definitely not a virgin, Was hazed for two years instead of the usual one year 

Absque amore est vita inutilia. Life without love is useless.

Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success! 

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Please send in a picture (FULL BODY!!!) and a brief description of yourself. Include BMI, favorite position, income, and list of daily vitamins. I promise that if you are the right fit, we will have an amazing time together :) 

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 

When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

Tracking Penn students is the DP's ultimate wet dream.

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.