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OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?

So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.

Please Do Not Contact Me. I Am Taking a Long, Sensual Bath in the Kelly Writers House Bathroom.

I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.

OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes

Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line. 

OP-ED: You'll Be Sorry

Oh, are you sad? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna fucking cry like a wittle baby? Oh, that’s just classic. "But I love you, FroGro," you'll say through tears. Really? Then where were you when I needed you? 

Penn Culture Gone Too Far? This Environmental Club Calls Itself a Frat

Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.

OP-ED: Penn Should Pay PILOTS Because Aviators Matter Too

Penn should pay PILOTS because aviators matter too, and I'm sick and tired of airplane PILOTS not being given the compensation they so clearly deserve.

A Definitive Ranking of Toilet Water Across Penn’s Campus

Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.

Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Alone on Valentine’s Day? Here Are Five Things to Do Instead of Going on a Romantic Date With the Love of Your Life

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.

Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

OP-ED: My Girlfriend Broke up With Me, Does Anyone Want to Buy the Lingerie I Got Her for Valentine's Day?

Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.

Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.

Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough

I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim. 

OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?

But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.

OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?

 Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty. 

To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.

You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.

Feeling Depressed? Here’s Why You Should Feel Guilty About That

Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.

Editorial by Kasra | Hi, I'd Like to Add You to My Professional Network

Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.

Quiz: Do You Know Your iCloud Password?

Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!

OP-ED: Your Fraternity Would Have Been Lucky to Have Me

But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.