Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.

 Lfklfjksj uughwhjhsd brughsgdjhds hhdjdj ughhhhhshj. Agfshddhdfjkfd.

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???

Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.

There were empty boxes — empty boxes everywhere. Someone really went to town on Amazon Prime, I thought.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?