I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text. 

During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me. 

Despite all of us gaining admission to the same university, it’s become apparent that some have strayed from the tenant that got us here in the first place: being well dressed at every occasion. So I implore you, reader: please look presentable, or flee from my sight. 

I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at.  

People have been clamoring for pictures of my feet for decades. Ever since 1998, my feet have been my best quality, hands down. 

There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters! 

After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.