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Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes

My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. 

How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?

If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom

My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.

8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 

It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma

Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.

5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!

OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch

At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.

Midterm “Week” Actually Nine Calendar Months

The light at the of the tunnel won't get here until May. You've still got about 200 days – give or take – of all-nighters, stress eating, and ugly crying. 

Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 

OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.

Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  

OP-ED: To Gain Support Among Liberals, The Fracking Industry Needs To Get WOKE

“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  

Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 

OP-ED: If You Had a Cool Mom You Wouldn’t Be on Campus

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

The Best Way to Make a Difference Is to Post a Cute Graphic About Making a Difference

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Roommate's COVID Plan Is Simply to “Vibe It Out”

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

OP-ED: Did You Just Use the Word Smart?

Oh, give me a break.

You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  

OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.