Upon hearing the news, students were quite eager to see which model they might get.

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes.

#QuarantineInStyle

Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

Whenever my TA Albert plays the devilu2019s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons | Becky Weisberg

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   

By foregoing vaccination altogether, Philadelphia city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.

Take our quiz! 

Beginning sometime in the near future, students must have a green PennOpen Pass if they are attending any lively gatherings hosted by Greek Life organizations.