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Fast Fashion? Zara Order Taking a Little Too Long to Arrive

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 


As Mask and Wig Locks Down Partnership With Netflix, Bloomers Still to Perform Shows on Instagram Live

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 


OP-ED: Did You Just Use the Word Smart?

Oh, give me a break.



Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann’s Immortality

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 


Students Make A Difference By Voting for Student Government

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  


BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 


Brooke O'Harra To Join Chris Wallace In Moderator Support Group

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 


Fuck It: Third Pret In Huntsman

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 


Quiz: Did You Leave the Oven On?

Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! Youu2019ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. Thereu2019s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing-- oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.


You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  


We Did It Guys! Change.org Petition Signed By 139 Underclassmen Cited In Gutmann Paycut

The official number hasn’t been released yet, but UTB is absolutely confident in the power of underclassmen polisci majors and Change.org’s 100% success rate.


OP-ED: I Literally Would Have Cured Coronavirus by Now if My Lectures Actually Ended on Time

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.


QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 


Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 


Report: “Virtual Snacks with the Dean” Greatest Threat to Our Collective Grasp on Reality

“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”


BREAKING: Friendly Reminder Is Lowkey Unfriendly :(

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”


OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.


"It's Almost Fall ;)" Announces Girl With Extensive Spongebob Sweater Collection

While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.


Speed Run: Getting Blocked by Irresponsible at Penn

At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn. 


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