After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”

One minute, I was just down to rally for the Zete late night, the next minute I was in the midst of executing a planned murder.

Open your eyes to the young faces of the future of fashion

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 

The motive behind this borderline criminal activity has yet to be uncovered. Was this a lone act of defiance against the system?

People like to assume that when they don’t get a wave back it’s because the other person just didn’t see. Well I’m here to reassure you, I saw it.

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.

Neuropsych evaluation be damned.