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Oh No! Penn Loses Entire Endowment Betting on High-Stakes UNO

Accompanied by a “¯\_(ツ)_/¯” emoticon and the writing “oopsy-daisy” was the announcement that Penn has declared bankruptcy.


OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


I Now Only Go to Acme with the Hopes of an Anvil Falling On My Head

 I thought to myself, I really am just like the coyote. I spend so much time and effort trying to catch this fast blue bird, which is metaphorical to some higher unspecified goal. But all that amounts to is just repeatedly dropping an anvil on my head. 


Self-Efficacy! CAPS Told Me To “Apply Myself”

That idea had literally never passed through my vapid little brain, so I’m really excited to try it out on my two presentations, six reflections, three final papers, and four exams due this coming week. 


Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.


Penn LGBT Center Says You Can Use “Gay” in a Derogatory Way Again

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”



DOWNLOAD THIS APP OR ELSE (Free Insomnia xx)

This app– it’s so good. And I’m hardly being paid to say that. 


Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 


Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.


Path@Penn Is a Convenient, High-Tech, Innovative, Yet Nostalgic Website for All Your Needs

Sure, right now, some parts of you are still PennInTouch and sometime this summer you and PennInTouch will merge into one supreme life form. But for now, I love seeing you as you are.





Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Instructive Handwashing Posters To Be Replaced With Step-by-Step Toothbrushing Guides

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  


BREAKING: Penn to Convert Smokes Into Indian Restaurant

On Wednesday nights, Sink or Swim will be discontinued and replaced with CIS 160 tutoring.


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.


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