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Penn Introduces Summer Stay, Graduation Stay: You're Staying Here Forever

You must resign and accept the fact that you are here again, and that you are staying here forever. 

Sara Excited for Spring Break-Down

It's time to process that year long PTSD! 

Breaking: In-Person Graduation Announced to be 'Nerds Only'

The move is severe, but not surprising, as Penn has a long and proud history of being a nerds-first school. 

5 Signs Your Asynchronous Professor Is Secretly Into You

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.

CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0

Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.

Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 

New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 

Campus Compact Misunderstanding? Frat Compacts Over 400 People from Campus Into House Party

As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.

Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 

OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 

Let’s Abolish the Pipeline from NASCAR to Penn Transit

When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Modern Day Gatsby? Open Tabs in Zoom Screenshare Clearly Curated for Single Student

Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.

Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

Religious Studies Professor Holds Smoke Sesh During Office Hours

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”

McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 

Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 

Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

Bill Gates? 5G? The Real Truth Behind DP+

Tracking Penn students is the DP's ultimate wet dream.