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Penn Announces New Ratio of Ten Hot TA’s for Every Professor

Upon hearing the news, students were quite eager to see which model they might get.

Student on Fourth Class Already Two Years Behind on Readings

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.

BREAKING: The Rodin Tent Under All That Snow

As of late Tuesday morning, the high rise field testing tent’s structure was reported to be “under more stress than I am,” said a second-semester senior who still needs to get into three more sector classes.

Donate! Sisters Fundraising for Sansom West Room Decor


New Off-Campus Sorority Members Begin Pledging By Being Forced To Stay Inside For 2 Weeks

Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 

Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  

Feminists Mad Penn is Keeping their Periods Quiet!

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub

Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.

Testing Centers Provide Hot TAs to Stare at While You Salivate

Whenever my TA Albert plays the devilu2019s advocate in our ethics break out rooms, my mouth becomes wetter than that massive puddle that forms outside of Commons | Becky Weisberg

Amy Gutmann Excited for COVID-19 to Kill Freshmen: "There's Too Many of These Bitches"

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”

“FAFSA? Omg, I Love Soccer Tournaments” Says Friend With Multiple Homes

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave

Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   

Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass

By foregoing vaccination altogether, Philadelphia city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.

Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

YAHOO! University Announces Start of Loud Period

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

Slurp! 5 Ways to Enjoy a Vial of Spit Once That Gullible Sucker Walks Outside

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.

QUIZ: What Your COVID Spit Test Says About You

Take our quiz! 

University Notification: Greek Life Requires Green Pass for Lively Affairs

Beginning sometime in the near future, students must have a green PennOpen Pass if they are attending any lively gatherings hosted by Greek Life organizations.