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Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker

After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.

OP-ED: Sorry I Have to Juul in Here, It’s an Emotional Support Juul

Oh are my plumes of fumes bothering you? Sorry not sorry, cause this is my emotional support juul and I need it to function.

Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.

How to Adapt Your Five-Year Plan for the Imminent Climate Crisis

This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.

BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually

You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.

Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them

Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.

Student Event Photographer in Custody of the IRS

Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.” 

Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc

When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."

Revere Me! I Am That Person to Whom This Carrel Is Registered

If you could read, you would know this is reserved.

Freshman Used the Fisher-Bennett Elevator, but He Wasn’t Going to 4

Eye-witnesses were shocked as to what they saw, and even the elevator has gone on record to ask “really dude? It’s just one flight.” 

OP-ED: Clicking Interested on Facebook Events is Doing Enough to Combat Injustice

I’m sure the climate strike is important or whatever, but the UN says the world is ending in twelve years and I need to make sure I’m rich enough to afford a bunker.

Op-Ed: I Don’t Need to Know What a Flat White Is to Order It Exclusively

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

Personality Quiz! Will You Be the Heir to Amy Gutmann’s Throne?

Are you an eccentric older woman? Are you an eccentric younger woman, looking to be an eccentric older woman? 

Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie

Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling. 

OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?


Wharton Kid Reassures Local Stabbing Victim That the Market Will Take Care of It

 His backpack, said to have carried most of his life savings in cash, was stolen as well.

Stop Having Dates at Stommons

Is the cuddling necessary? It’s not cold today. Stop. I can’t focus when you’re staring into each other’s eyes like that, pressed together with gentle smiles. Go away.

Professor Riding High of Student's Polite Chuckle All Day

Filson could be seen strutting around campus with a self-satisfied grin, offering to re-tell the joke.

American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.