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BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.


Philly Ranked #1 City for Metallic Clanking and Grinding Noises at 3 A.M.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”


Breaking: Your Friend Who Keeps Saying “Everyone Needs Therapy” Really Has to Go to Therapy

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."


OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?


Uh Oh: Increasing Number of Student Essays Include the Phrase “All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy”

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”


Girl Who is Down for Anything Convicted of Murder

One minute, I was just down to rally for the Zete late night, the next minute I was in the midst of executing a planned murder.


Fashion King! Man Sets Trend Wearing Sweatpants and Sweatshirt Everyday

Open your eyes to the young faces of the future of fashion


Breaking: Penn Has a Football Team

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 


Beyond Anarchy: Sophomore Sips Water 20 Minutes Before COVID-19 Test

The motive behind this borderline criminal activity has yet to be uncovered. Was this a lone act of defiance against the system?


If I Don’t Wave At You On Locust, I Don’t Dislike You, I Hate You

People like to assume that when they don’t get a wave back it’s because the other person just didn’t see. Well I’m here to reassure you, I saw it.


BREAKING: The Worst Person You Know Responded “Maybe” to Facebook Event

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 


Oh Shit: Other People Can See These?

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.


Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”


OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 


Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 


Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.


“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.


Weingarten to Provide Disability Accommodations for Students With Restless Leg Syndrome

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.



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