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Faking Interest, 第四个
An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.
Announcing Your Summer Internship on LinkedIn, Finding a Subletter, and Other Alternatives to Marijuana to Try This Week
#3 may shock you.
“Hey, Sorry. I Was Kind of Walking Here” and Other Passive Phrases to Prevent Getting Run Over
Flipping drivers “the bird” is an overused and overly-aggressive defense to avoid getting hit by a car. Here are some nicer alternatives to properly communicate with Philadelphia’s finest automobile operators:
Damn, This Lovely Spring Weather Is Making Me Reflect on the Cyclical Nature of It All
How was your spring equinox? I almost forgot to ask.
Stupid Bitch! My Mom Refused to Upgrade Me to First Class on Our Family Trip To Bora Bora
AND that bitch from my history class invited my situationship to formal. Everything. Is. Ruined.
POEM OF THE WEEK: Heaven Looks a Lot Like Facebook Marketplace
Heaven looks a lot like Facebook marketplace
Accepted Class of 2027 Worried There Is Less Recess Time at College
They're the new kids in town.
Gatekeeping the Toxic Situationship Soft-Launch Until You Slay
None of these words were in The Bible.
When Penn Became Communist China: The Day I Had to Go Around the Fence on Locust Walk
Next thing you know, you're transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.
I'm Done With These Halal Food Trucks, Point Me To The Haram Ones
Having Halal Food Won't Absolve You of Your Sins
Boy Gone Wild: My Licentious Spring Break in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Definitely the easiest of the two capitol stormings I have participated in in my lifetime.
Editorial: I Am Not a Veteran
not a veteran I am not a veteran I do not identify as one or more
Hill Dining Hall Harvests the Meat From Biopond, Lights Up the Grill
For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water?
Princeton MBB Advances to Sweet 16 as Penn Prepares for Tough Matchup vs. Make-A-Wish Foundation
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has put together their best team in decades, with several players having used their wishes for basketball lessons from pro stars such as Michael Jordan, Devin Booker, and Blake Griffin.
Scenery Reveal! Look at That Building Where the McDonald's Used to Be
Check it out.
DP Survey Finds Houston Hall Still Nowhere Near as Wet as the Engineering Students They Polled
Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.
Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House
Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.
Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian
After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up.