Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 

Oh, give me a break.

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 

Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! Youu2019ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. Thereu2019s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing-- oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  

The official number hasn’t been released yet, but UTB is absolutely confident in the power of underclassmen polisci majors and Change.org’s 100% success rate.

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 

“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.

At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn.