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Smirnoff to Make Handle-Sized Ice

In a press release today, Smirnoff announced it would be making a larger serving size of its popular drink, the Ice. 

Campus Sports Fans Thrilled They Can Still Bandwagon Penn Men's Basketball

Tens, maybe-but-probably-not hundreds, of students on campus rejoiced this evening when Penn men's basketball upset reigning NCAA national champion Villanova and shocked the world (except the three DP sports writers who "predict" every year that Penn will beat 'Nova — they totally called it).

BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.

In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.

Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here

Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.

Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 

Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.

OP-ED: I Don’t Mind Getting 25% Off This Assignment, My 8th Trip to Spicy Memory This Semester is More Important

Midterms are worth 50% of the overall grade anyways, so all you have to do is sober up by the next one so you don’t sleep through it like you slept through the first two.  

Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date

When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.

BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.”

Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 

Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.

Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 

OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.

Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall

After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.

Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.

Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII

It came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.

OP-ED: Mom, I Swear I Tripped and That's Why There is a Circular Bruise on My Neck

Yes Mom, these bruises on my neck are from when I fell down the stairs of my apartment building.

Holy Shit: Stacy Knows 40% of the Words to SICKO MODE

If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18).

Anti-Social and Academically-Challenged Freshman Came to Penn to 'Work Hard, Play Hard'

“Yeah, I mean given who I am as a person, Penn was just the right choice for me,” chronic procrastinator and recluse James Rojas (C ’22) shared with his friends.