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Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025

This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. 


College Admissions Offices Promise to Preserve Legacy of Cultural Bias Even Without SAT Scores

They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 


If Nothing Matters, Then Why Am I So Important?

Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important. 


Don't Have Time to Walk-in for Vaccination? Try Running In

 I sprinted into the convention center and plowed through the military guy that was managing the line. I sprinted down the hallway with no regard for any of the other patients. I hurdled the fences like I was a fucking Olympic athlete.  


Introducing EAST & UP: My Flight Back to China This Summer

Even after the 13–hour is up, the jouissance of EAST & UP is far from over.


Gay Son or HSOC Daughter? Penn Students Answer.

Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?


Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. 


UPennAlert: I’m Upset at 39th and Locust

See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.


Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me

I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.


Breaking: Pennsylvania to Legalize Marijuana

On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug. 


University of Pennsylvania Declares April 20th: "Disengagement Day"

With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.


Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.


Freshman With Commitment Issues Skips Advance Registration

Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.” 


How the Bridge to 1920 Commons Inspired Miley’s Hit Single "The Climb"

Just mere cobblestones away: Commons. 


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.


Soviet-Style Architecture Students Visit 1920 Commons for Inspiration

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.


A Letter of Deepest Gratitude to the One Kid Doing Worse Than Me in Class

I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.


Pie in Center of Graph K=5: How To Conjure a CIS 160 TA

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  


Student Thrilled to Receive Incomplete On Credit/No Credit Assignment, Will Learn More This Way

While at first, he was angry about his TA's decision to grade a credit/no-credit based on quality, Turner soon saw the light and realized he would get a lot more out of the class if he did an extra assignment to make up for the incomplete. 


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