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Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.


OP-ED: Galentine’s Day Is Too Exclusive to People Who Have Friends

We get it, you have friends. You got gal pals, and you all hang out and drink wine and bake cookies together. And cool, you get your own holiday for it. 


Alone on Valentine’s Day? Here Are Five Things to Do Instead of Going on a Romantic Date With the Love of Your Life

Regardless of whether this is your 1st lonely Valentine’s Day or your 78th, the UTB Staff is here to provide you with some quality suggestions of what to do when you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone.


Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.


OP-ED: My Girlfriend Broke up With Me, Does Anyone Want to Buy the Lingerie I Got Her for Valentine's Day?

Selling for $20. What a steal, right! Right? Please tell me this is right. Please. Someone hold me. It's so hard sleeping alone.


Most Awkward Interaction of All Time Not Your Fault at All You Smooth, Sexy, Free-spirit, Phoenix

Despite internal feelings that you were, “very weird,” and, “couldn’t stop talking,” you actually appeared as a graceful debutant, making the person you interacted with incredibly nervous, embarrassed, and even ashamed to be in your presence.


Penn Students Agree: Best Way to Heal an Infection Is to Let It Fester for a Couple Weeks

Jasmine Ling (C '20), who received a fingernail-bed infection this winter, "doesn't mind that it hurts to type or to even tie [her] shoes. The body takes care of these things."


Senior Moving to NYC to Pursue Career in Melancholy Walks in Crowded Places

She will stop for a coffee once, maybe twice. If she grows weary, she will rest on a bench in a public green space.


Breaking! Up With You! I Am Breaking Up With You

Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?


Crisis Averted: TSA Seized Grace’s Hummus in Airport Security

"This was a major security risk for Grace, her fellow passengers, and ultimately everyone in this airport. We had no choice but to destroy it," TSA Agent Richard Yu told UTB staff.


Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.


Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y

“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?


Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy

Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.


Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices

One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.


A Message From President Gutmann: Yoooo Smoke's Tonight?

A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President


Boring Stat Professor Fails to Reject the Dull Hypothesis

Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.


Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough

I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim. 


Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.


Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt

"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."


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