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Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year

Cara Poole, a resident at 48th and Baltimore, wrote: "My eight-year-old daughter came home from trick-or-treating with her friends looking pale, clutching her stomach, and saying she wanted to switch into Wharton to study accounting because she'll never get a job if she puts too much faith and effort into her art.

Accidentally Called Your Teacher Mom? Now She Gets To Spank You

You asked for this after all. Who’s your mommy. 

OP-ED: Why Isn't It Funny to Make Fun of Nursing Students?

After days trying to write jokes, a thought came to my head: Why isn’t it hilarious to make fun of nursing students? Isn't nursing a big thing here or something?

Bethany Bought String Lights and Miniature Clothespins, Forgot to Buy Pictures of Her with Her Friends

Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins.

Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.

Kind of Weird: Freshman Already Knows He Wants to Be a Urologist

Last Thursday night, in a discussion about plans for the future among his hall, Perry Yates (C ’23) of Dayton, Ohio confidently declared that he was pursuing a career in urology. Other students expressed interest in finance or social work, but Yates seemed to be dead set on urology. Hm. Kind of weird.

Feminist Hero? This Man Just Said his Female Classmate had 'A Good Point'

“I just wanted her to know I heard what she said, and I was impressed,” Mora said.

Correction: HamCo Actually Short for Ham Company

This embarrassing correction was made in an emergency statement issued by the building manager, Jebediah Ham, late last night. Ham shared some passionate words with UTB reporters on the scene. “My father, Lawrence Wyatt Ham IV, did not construct this building with his own two hands for ungrateful college students to refer to it as ‘Hamilton Court.’ Us Hams are proud folk, and we simply will not tolerate this widespread misconception.”

Career Services Tells Student to Take Karate off Resume, Gets Roundhouse Kicked to Face

“I have no regrets about my course of action,” Daniel told UTB. “I know my sensei would be really proud of me.” 

Oof, This Confused Freshman Thinks Bowl is a Kazoo

The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”

Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.

An Interview with the Sexiest Under the Button Writer

Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Pamela De La Cruz replied to requests for interview ecstatically. 

Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop

However, have you ever considered that CNN only gives candidates commercial breaks so that they can go poop? 

New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”

Penn Enacts Policy Replacing Midterms With Vibe Checks

Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.

Knock Knock! I’m Lucy, a Sophomore. Can I Have Your Lease?

Knock knock! Hi! My name’s Lucy. I’m a sophomore, haha. I was just looking by and couldn’t help but notice what a nice, cozy little townhouse you have here!

OP-ED: Facebook’s Libra Is a Blatant Rip-Off of Dave and Buster’s Dollars

Come clean to the world, Mark. Admit the true origins of Libra.

Penn Chemistry Encourages Students to Nap Elsewhere by Cancelling Classes

“We just felt that there wasn’t enough interest in these courses,” said Penn Chemistry Professor Antonine Levoissier, “By ending the undergraduate program, we hope that we can encourage students to nap in their dorms instead of in the Chemistry lecture hall.” 

Undergraduate Assembly Continues to Create Noticeable, Positive Change

After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government.

Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks

The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them.