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The Collctve Goes on Wheel of Fortune to Buy a Vowel

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.


Jeb Bush Stresses Importance of Limited Government Unless He Can Be Part of It

Later in the talk, Bush said that he believes that government needs hard limits, and that restriction extended to term limits, which Bush believes should be put in place in all situations except for “if I get elected. When. When I get elected."


A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


New Research Says Minimum Wage Should Be Tied to Price of Vladimir Vodka

People from all political walks of life have decried the $7.50 an hour minimum wage. Finally, some concrete evidence has come to support an increase.


OP-ED: This Lent I'm Giving up Sex (Not Butt Stuff Tho lol)

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.


Constructive! Professor's Response to Your Cry for Help Not Only Insulting, but Felt like a Swift Kick to the Gut

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.


Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


OP-ED: I've Got Huge Balls, but Not Because I Have Mumps

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.


Friend Group Ready to 'Go Wild' and Sneak Bag of Skinny Pop Into Movie Theater

Cinemark was half-price, so Emily, Angela, Liam, Brandon, and Alexis were ready to have a wild night (Raquel couldn’t make it. She has an exam tomorrow, and she is so behind smh.).


So Close! Verizon Now Covers the Whole Mojave Desert but Not Fresh Grocer

Did you know that Verizon leads the nation in every conceivable category? Best coverage, best customer service, best plans. Hell, they’re now the best man at your wedding, whether you like it or not.


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.


Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 


BREAKING: Looking to Buy One Magic Gardens Ticket

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  


There's No Mumps Outbreak, Wendell Pritchett Just Really Wanted to Use "Inflamed Testicles" in a Mass Email

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


OP-ED: Stop Asking Token Male Candidates to Run for Office

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  


Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  


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