Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card
During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me.
Most Recent
New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie
“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.”
Dear Freshmen: Wash Your Damn Penn Card
During NSO, University affiliates will ask you to “keep that mf thaaang on you.” I, however, will only ask you to either keep that mf thang clean, or keep it away from me.
Peasants: Dress for Success or Avoid My Well-Bred Gaze
Despite all of us gaining admission to the same university, it’s become apparent that some have strayed from the tenant that got us here in the first place: being well dressed at every occasion. So I implore you, reader: please look presentable, or flee from my sight.
New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie
“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.”
Shameful: The Cats Trailer Doesn't Do Enough for Furry Representation in Hollywood
Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.
After 3 Years of Presidential Practice, Joe Biden Is Ready for the Real Thing
Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.
Hustle Mode On: This PURM Student Logged 6.75 Hours Last Week
"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."
BREAKING: Republican Congressman Claims "Hot Girl Summer" to Blame for Recent Heat Wave, Not Climate Change
"These women are literally setting the planet on fire with their confidence. Is this really a fire we want to put out?"
Balance Wizard? A Guy Just Passed By Me At a Party Without Putting His Hand On My Lower Back
I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman without putting his hand on her lower back.
Psych 101! Braden Didn't Actually Cheat On Tiffany, He Just Never Developed Object Permanence
"So basically," explained Braden, "I'm baby."
Bleeding Edge Tech! Blackboard and Chalk Ranked Best Way to Teach Course Material
In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity.
Intern Sees His Shadow, Six More Weeks of Summer
Luckily, the noticing of his shadow coincided with Intern Day at his summer gig. Every year on Intern Day, the mayor comes in to mentor the new batch of interns, while hopefully not dropping them in the process.
In-N-Out Is Not Replacing Frontera but How Cool Would It Be If It Was?
Imagine if we could pop in to ARCH and grab a delicious cheeseburger on our way to class. Maybe an Animal-Style 4-by-4 if we're feeling hungry, or a protein-style grilled cheese for the calorie-conscious.
Penn Reiterates Medium-Tolerance Policy on Racism
"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.
Wax and Trump in Heated Competition to Bring Most Shame to Penn
Current U.S. President Donald Trump and tenured Penn Law Professor Amy Wax are neck-and-neck in their years long battle for most shameful public figure associated with the University of Pennsylvania.
Junior Who Has Never Cried Had Tear-Eating Bees Behind His Eyes All Along
“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."
U.S. Women's Soccer Team Turns Down Amy Gutmann's Invitation to College Hall
"Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe.
Life Hack: My Apartment Is Supposed to Be Quiet After Midnight, But I Can't Tell Time
Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time.
Inspirational: Man Hikes Across Entire Eastern Seaboard to Pick Up &pizza Order
“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.”
Locust Walk Now Locust Run
“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."
Rising Freshman: “Omg, How Many AP’s Are you Taking Next Semester?”
"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.”
