We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?

Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.

"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.