Short King! This Girl Is Taking E.T. to Her Date Night
She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.
Most Recent
Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day
This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.
Short King! This Girl Is Taking E.T. to Her Date Night
She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.
Religious Studies Professor Discovers God Made Eve to Improve Adam’s Ratio
Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.
Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day
This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.
Girl with New Glossier Products Excited to Redefine Herself This Semester as 'Dewy'
She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face.
Penn InTouch Login to Include Sending a Nude Photo to pennintouchdeveloper@upenn.edu
"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."
Genius: Wharton Grads' Startup Is the Warby Parker of Fingerless Gloves
"There are countless people in the world who need the warmth of a glove but demand the agility of bare fingers. When you buy a pair of Dexter Gloves, you'll know that you're helping someone else be able to play the guitar or use a touch screen in moderately cold weather."
Fossil Fuel Divestment ‘Economically Infeasible,’ Say Trustees Sipping Petroleum From Champagne Flutes
Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.
OP-ED: I See You Viewed My Instagram Story, and, Yes, I'll Marry You
It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.
5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover
School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.
How to Pick the Best Restaurants on Campus to Take Your Visiting Family to Drown Out Your Arguments
If you’re going to have a fight with your family, you might as well plan for it to be at one of campus’ most argument-accommodating restaurants. Here’s how to choose.
Without a Super Bowl Parade, Students Are Just Taking Wednesday Off
No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday.
Philly Public Transit Rebrands as SEPTÆ to Appeal to Penn Students
There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.
21 Savage Gets Snap Bid from Owls
"All of us at Owls are rooting for 21, and we hope this whole ICE rubbish gets sorted out soon."
Quiz: Phone Number or Amy Gutmann's Salary?
96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!
Oat Milk is DTF — Are You?
From behind trembling lips, you cough up the words “one oat milk chai, please.”
Report: 100% of People That Watch Super Bowl for Ads Are Quirky and Different
While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.”
BREAKING: My Grandma Thinks That Fellow Has Too Many Tattoos
“What does that young fellow have all over his skin? He is very good looking I must say, but what is with the schmattas all over his chest area?"
Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages
While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable.
OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem
So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.
Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking
"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."
