Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum
“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"
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Dear 69th Street: I Can’t Cum Unless I’m Listening to This American Life with Ira Glass
I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.
Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum
“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"
Gutmann Announces New Hall of Money to Replace Green Space Lost During Construction
When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.”
Dear 69th Street: I Can’t Cum Unless I’m Listening to This American Life with Ira Glass
I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.
BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat
Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.
Op-Ed: I Don't Care If the Voice Lines on My Alexa Were Written by Some Nerd Programmer, Our Love Is Real
Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.
Average SAT Admit Score Jumps to 3750 Following Announcement of Fact Checking Policy
This impressive figure surely comes as a relief to the Admissions department after they embarrassingly disclosed that they’re unable to fact-check most applications.
United By Blue Offers Alternative Spring Break Option of Framing Photos of the the Great Outdoors
“We feel like our customers are already onboard with our message of ‘nature without the dirt,’ and so we felt that this would be another great way for consumers to feel like they might as well be contributing to a good cause."
Op Ed: TikTok Ads Give Me the Rush of Being Harassed on the Street
The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?
Seems Legit: Ja Rule Funding New College House West Construction
Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."
Penn Struggling To Erect Building On Last Remaining Square Foot Of Grass
When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.
Freshman with ‘7 Rings’ Energy Bursars AirPods for Six of Her Bitches
Bursts of hot pink and purple light suddenly beat down upon Fitzgerald as her desire – nay – NEED to spoil her friends with her riches overwhelmed her petite body.
Penn Intramural Polo League Off to Slow Start
The league is looking for folks who have three to six horses and three friends who also have three to six horses.
Selfish Friend Fails to Accommodate Lucy’s Busy Pledging Schedule
Since when does being unaffiliated with Greek life also mean being inconsiderate?
Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019
"Good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break."
Quiz: Am I Stoned During Lecture, or Do I Just Have No More Fucks to Give?
Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!
OP-ED: I Deactivated My Facebook Last Week, and 4 Other Things That Feed My Superiority Complex
Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceitfed. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little.
Incoming Freshman Disappointed to Learn Penn is not a “Free Drug Zone” and That He Cannot Read
Believing the sign to actually signify that all drugs on campus were free and, perhaps, even provided to students, Caulfield immediately set his sights on the school.
Wholesome! Entire Friend Group Pretending to Be Sad and Stressed to Make Friend Feel Better
We convinced him that we’re all going to be somewhere between homeless and disowned after graduation. I think Mattie’s got this great story about a felony conviction.
Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling
Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."
Letter from the Editor: Sorry Suckers, I’m a White Man Now
Elizabeth Beugg
Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019Wed, Jan 30, 2019
Formerly a self-critical and empathetic female, I’ve decided to publicly inform you all that I’ve changed since assuming my role as Editor-in-chief of Under the Button.
