Penn Student Rewarded With Failing Midterm Grade After Terrible Day
Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn.
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Apple Screen Time to Include Time Spent Repressing Homosexual Thoughts
“You’re up 34% from last week, for an average of six hours and 14 minutes.”
Penn Student Rewarded With Failing Midterm Grade After Terrible Day
Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn.
Top Edibles To Put In Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year
You already gave your kid weed and shrooms, might as well fully commit and make your child the coolest kid on the block.
Apple Screen Time to Include Time Spent Repressing Homosexual Thoughts
“You’re up 34% from last week, for an average of six hours and 14 minutes.”
Breaking My Silence: All You Bitches Suck
I’m finally saying it: all you bitches suck. Respectfully. After years of observation. In a way that changes nothing.
I Got Roofied at 1920 Commons: My Story
Rosemary Soule
Tuesday, March 31, 2026Tue, Mar 31, 2026
Upon reflection, I’m not actually that mad about the whole roofie situation — I’ve always wanted a chance to see Eastern Europe. However I have developed a nasty biting habit since then. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind, though! He freaky like that.
APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
Draft Reinstated: All Men [WHARTON EXEMPTED] Ages 18-25 to Report for Service
Undergraduate students enrolled in the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania will be exempt from service.
Unemployed Senior Really Banking on Job Offer From Military Draft
President Trump, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.
U.S. Government Announces Summer Internship in Iran
While not a novel idea, only a handful of past presidents have attempted to try this: On Tuesday, the Department of War announced an unlimited number of spots for willing participants in the Middle East “Freedom from Life” operation.
I Went to Cabo for Spring Break and All I Got Was This Stupid Little Cartel Affiliation
The break was so restful and amazing. At present, I can only wear red and green and there are some parts of Philly, that I should not have gone to before, and I simply cannot go to now!
Phone-Addicted Math Major Really Good at Reel Analysis
Danya Dzebissov, a junior pursuing a mathematics degree within the College of Arts and Sciences, has recently distinguished himself in a field his professors have yet to formally recognize: reel analysis.
Van Pelt to Undergo Renovation to Make All Windows 50% Narrower
Further changes involve the introduction of a loud, fluorescent light-induced buzzing noise in the Goldstein Undergraduate Study Center, a replacement of all group study rooms with chastity study carrels, and the addition of cushioned toilet seats.
Panhel Excited to Announce $37 Raised in FY 25
With so many causes competing for attention, the Panhellenic Council has chosen to direct all proceeds toward animal cruelty — specifically, ensuring that dogs across Philadelphia have access to proper nail grooming through their partner organization, Nails N Paws.
Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week
It's the best week of the year for some.
Student Putting Off Work for Snow Day Racks Up 16 Screentime Hours on Weather App
“This level of commitment is what we usually only see in day traders and people refreshing their ex’s Instagram,” said one behavioral psychologist.
Gay Student Endures Premature Twink Death After Drinking Starbucks Protein Matcha
“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, and added protein,” - Ben Franklin, more or less.
Pledge Bonds with Orangutan Plush After Being Dropped by APES
Mark "Punch" Goldberg was dropped by APES on Monday after saying a slur in public and not behind closed doors like he is supposed to.
Guy Who's Taking a Break From Social Media Only Doing It So He Can Tell You About It
He needs you to know that he’s better than you for taking a break and deleting the apps for a while (2 hours) and that he’s trying to improve himself via attention span resetting, dopamine cleansing, and internal work.
Opinion: I Think We Can Safely Say Global Warming is a Hoax
The climate is stable and they are not talking about it.
Op-Ed: Old White Women With Pixie Cuts Are Evil
In this exposé, I shall present to readers photo exhibits and real-life images of what I mean when I say old white women with pixie cuts are evil evil creatures, brought upon the earth to poison us with their thoughts and actions.
