Think You’ve Seen It All? That Girl You Know Just Soft Launched That She’s in a Senior Society
Me? Jealous? I'm NOT jealous.
Most Recent
Think You’ve Seen It All? That Girl You Know Just Soft Launched That She’s in a Senior Society
Alexandra Lemer
Monday, Oct. 27, 2025Mon, Oct 27, 2025
Me? Jealous? I'm NOT jealous.
LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests
James complained: "the Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game."
Wharton Boy Discovers It’s Not Normal to Keep Shirt on During Sex
An experience, for sure.
Op-Ed: THIS IS A SUPER SECRET AND YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!
I'm only telling you this because you're like my third best friend here.
Apollo the Phi Delt Dog Officially Initiated as PC ‘25; Graciously Agrees to Lick Vomit During Hazing Rituals
Apollo joins the COB Phi Delt PC '25.
Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range
With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.
Women Are Repulsed By Me: Here Are the Best Lunch Spots in West Philly
As someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 19 years, these are some of my favorites.
Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance
Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food
Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup
Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”
Eager Freshman Confuses Penn Traditions: Throws Toast on Ben Franklin and Pisses on Franklin Field
Margot Englander
Wednesday, Oct. 8, 2025Wed, Oct 8, 2025
University officials cite an honest mistake made by a freshman.
Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven
Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.
Breaking: Wilcaf’s Missing Supply of Ice has Been Found in the Silfen Study Center's Vents
Nina Becket
Tuesday, Oct. 7, 2025Tue, Oct 7, 2025
Climb into the vents and grab a handful.
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties
Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."
Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries
Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon. District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach.
Breaking: Donald Trump Hand Blemish Related to 60-Year Blood Oath with WUFC
Sam Kroin
Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2025Wed, Oct 1, 2025
Under the Button has obtained exclusive information that Trump’s hand blemish is related to his blood oath with the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC, "Wuu-FF-KK" (/wɪˈfɪc/))
Do I Deserve More or Less? A Reflection on My Penn Experience
Jason Fang
Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2025Wed, Oct 1, 2025
Every night before I fall asleep in my high-rise shoebox of a room, I ask myself a question: do I deserve more, or do I deserve less?
My Coming Out: Green Line Turned Me Pansexual
Meera Bholah
Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2025Tue, Sep 30, 2025
What genre is this?
OP-ED: The Herzog Housewarming Was Awful
Adrian Rafizadeh
Monday, Sept. 29, 2025Mon, Sep 29, 2025
There were people who were enjoying themselves, dancing, and taking photos. What kind of fucked up, twisted party guest would take photos? Have we all lost our minds? I do not take photos. And no one was talking to me either. That was everyone else’s fault for not wanting to interact with me. What an awfully curated party.
