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Pledge Bonds with Orangutan Plush After Being Dropped by APES

Mark "Punch" Goldberg was dropped by APES on Monday after saying a slur in public and not behind closed doors like he is supposed to.

Guy Who's Taking a Break From Social Media Only Doing It So He Can Tell You About It

He needs you to know that he’s better than you for taking a break and deleting the apps for a while (2 hours) and that he’s trying to improve himself via attention span resetting, dopamine cleansing, and internal work. 

Opinion: I Think We Can Safely Say Global Warming is a Hoax

The climate is stable and they are not talking about it.

Op-Ed: Old White Women With Pixie Cuts Are Evil

In this exposé, I shall present to readers photo exhibits and real-life images of what I mean when I say old white women with pixie cuts are evil evil creatures, brought upon the earth to poison us with their thoughts and actions. 

Under the Button's Man on the Street Valentine's Honeypot

Under the Button Does the Mannequin Challenge

The Fall

Grad Strike Narrowly Averted as Penn Allows Grad Students to Take Two Entrees from Grommons Instead of One

One graduate student had suggested increasing the amount of sides from two to three. She was immediately executed on the spot.

SEAS AI Major Commits Suicide After Being Asked If Studying Wharton AI

The CIS Department has announced that in Daniel’s honor, January 16th will henceforth be the “Day of SEAS AI Major Visibility”. Plans for the inaugural celebration next year already include a second vigil, along with spraying fart spray into Wharton professors’ cars.

OP-ED: Penn Is Not On Indian Land

I can't be the only one confused right? India is on a completely different continent. These so-called "land acknowledgements" aren't even acknowledging the right thing.

I Ate the Hill Oysters. Now I Have AIDS

I am going to give you AIDS

Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing

University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”

Penn Football Rose Sale on Locust Triggers PTSD in University’s Nerds

“It felt like being shoved into a locker all over again.”

Chivalry Isn't Dead! Boy Saving 50% Off 10 Pc McNuggets Deal for Valentine’s Day Dinner

There are still some good men out there!

Elon Musk Funds New Fraternity: Kappa Kappa Kappa

No, you cannot go around abbreviating this one. 

BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Found in Epstein Files

 “It’s an outrage,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I can excuse most of the things they did on that island, but I draw the line at animal abuse.”

Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse

This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.