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Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group

“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”

I’m Feeling Sick, and I Will Tell You About It

But if you do see me out, no, I'm not contagious. In fact, please do come near me!

“At the Age of 60, My Vision Has Significantly Worsened”: Visual Studies Professor Explains Risks of Major

Dyslexic Penn Student Contracts Chlamydia in Preparation for SDT Mixer

The student proclaimed that he intended to “double-fist” his afflictions with pride, as in other areas of life.

Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self

“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.

“Existential Despair” Course Replaced With 8-Hour Loop of Eagles’ Playoff Incompetence

I really thought the locker-room positivity bunny would save the Eagles’ season.

Breaking: Multiple Sightings of The Fabled Quad Blue Whale Swimming Through The Tunnels Persist

How did it fit in the tunnels? Is this all a hoax? These questions, and more, are answered in this article.

"I Have A Drink" Tips for Throwing a Great MLK Darty

Every year, as we near the day we celebrate one of our nation’s greatest Civil Rights figures, we all come across the same problem: How do I throw a great MLK day darty?

Kristi Noem Mistakes Pardoned Turkey for Dog, Shoots it

Butterball’s death marks the first pardoned Turkey fatality since the tradition’s advent in 1963, under the Kennedy Administration.

10 Things You Should Definitely Ask the Potential New Member You're Talking to During Rush

Make sure the cream rises to the top!

That Guy Who Invited You to His Frat Date Night is The One

In heels, you discover that the two of you are the same height. You also share a penchant for Pink Whitney and men.

Roadrunner, Risk-Taker, Entrepreneur, and Other Ways to Tell Your Family You Dropped Out This Thanksgiving

Here are six impressive sounding roles you can drop at the table that Granny and Gramps are definitely not going to question.

Hot or Not: Is Your Mullet Giving Fakemink or Theo Von?

Bad news.

Musings From a Quaker Meeting in Philadelphia

Can I have a wooder?

10 Things I Would be Grateful For if I Had Them

1. Dining room table in my apartment Where have my roommates and I been eating dinner, you ask? The couch.  2. Clean couch in my apartment  I like to play this game where I focus on a new square foot of the couch every day and imagine what might’ve stained it. The answer is always food.

BREAKING: Brave Girl Goes for Seconds at Buffet During Speaker Event

Can't blame a girl for being hungry, especially when she only had an iced latte for lunch. 

Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major

The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”