Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"

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I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 

This phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 

Just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified in the latest email. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 

There is literally nothing else for me to add to make the situation funnier than it is

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 

So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.

Sure it might seem simple enough to just count the motherfucking ballots already, considering like 45 states did it in a day, but Nevada looks to Pennsylvania and finds the justification it needs. “If Pennsylvania hasn’t gotten their shit together either, it’s okay because I probably won’t be the last one.”  

Hiiiiiiiiiii, KittyKat69SeX411 here! Long time SeekingArrangment user, short time student. I took advantage of the add/drop period, by surfing Canvas pages to find the sad little married fucks in need of some dick tickling. 

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  

What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote.