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SAD! UA Election Investigation Reveals Voter Fraud

What a Disaster! There were more BALLOTS than STUDENTS (Sad!), “glitches” everywhere, and Sleepy Amy Gutmann won’t allow a recount!

OP-ED: If You Need Me, I'll Be In Clark Park On Tranquilizers Playing Chess

Despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense.

A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 

You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 

Ambiguous! Quirky Aunt Bringing "Special Friend" To Thanksgiving Again

Is she... you know...?

Alex Trebek: "What is Eternal Oblivion?"

For Alex, we decided to create a custom Jeopardy game centered around the one question we all have: what happens after we die? 

Sobbing, Demoralized UTB Writer Realizes No Stereotype Broad Enough to Apply to All CAS Students

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”

Mindy's Pod Is The Exact Amount Of People Who Were At The Late Night She Went To!

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 

“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 

Late Night Wawa Runs to Increase 420% With NJ Marijuana Legalization

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.

Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 

Victory! New Statue Celebrating Black Womanhood Proof That Penn Is Anti-Racist, Progressive

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 

Sister "Soooo Sorry" for Eating Sandwich That You Specifically and Clearly Labelled

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.

UTB Investigates Emily, Not Even In Paris

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 

In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 

Republicans Pass Covid Relief Bill Because They Care About the American People

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.

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