“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.

At a blistering 36.74 seconds, UTB has just broken the world record for getting blocked by Irresponsible at Penn. 

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.

 “Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.  

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 

Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??

Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.

Despite recent events, I had held out held hope that perhaps democracy still existed somewhere in the dark and distant corners of the world. That hope died as soon as I heard the news of the latest political tragedy: the decrease in voter turnout for Penn student government elections.

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 

"It's great to have somebody that isn't afraid to share their thoughts with everyone. But his desire to free America from the shackles of big government alongside a cabal of free-thinking business magnates isn't really appropriate for this class."

“No doubt, denim has some astounding properties. Not only does contact with it give the wearer a sense of well-being, but it also prevents them from feeling like a complete and utter drain on society’s resources.”

Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. 

Over at Student Health Services, we know that the young mind is susceptible to poor decision making, and will likely put lust over logic. Therefore, we’ve created this document of SHS’s top tips and tricks to help navigate sexual relations during the pandemic.

In reality, the whole visit to Walter Reed was not serious at all. It was basically just a check-up with a sleepover component.