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8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 

It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma

Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.

5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!

OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch

At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.

Midterm “Week” Actually Nine Calendar Months

The light at the of the tunnel won't get here until May. You've still got about 200 days – give or take – of all-nighters, stress eating, and ugly crying. 

Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 

"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."

OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.

Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  

Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  

Report: Zoom Breakout Rooms Found to be Quieter than Cold Vacuum of Space

The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.

OP-ED: To Gain Support Among Liberals, The Fracking Industry Needs To Get WOKE

“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  

BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 

How Putin Will Vote By Mail in US Election

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

BREAKING: Trump and Biden Put Aside Differences, Agree Bulbasaur Best Starter Pokémon

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

Russian COVID Vaccine Turns Out to Be 195 Proof Vodka

The hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

QUIZ: Are YOU the Silent Majority?

Election season is in full swing and we keep hearing that term "silent majority," but who is the silent majority really? Take this quiz to see if you are a part of this special group!

Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 

Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing.