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Student Activists Pledge to Fight For Low Income Americans They Are Scared to Interact With

“There are homeless Americans sleeping under shops all around the city. When I call the police to clear them, I make sure to remind our officers to treat them with respect and decency.”


OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual

Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes

This is the new Freshman experience.


College Board: Wordle to Replace SAT

Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.


So What My Poster of Monica Lewinsky Eating Out Bill Clinton is in my Zoom Background

Do you prefer I move my camera onto my poster of Gandhi snorting coke off of a hooker's ass? Or a make-a-wish kid on a private jet to Epstein’s Island? 


Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 


Financial Aid Office Gives Crying, Broke Student Free Pen Before Telling Them to Go Fuck Themselves

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 


Feminist! Huntsman To Be Renamed Huntswoman

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.


We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.


BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.


How To Recover After The NYT Mini Jingle Plays During Class And Your Professor Says “What Was That”

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.


Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.


Hidden Heroes: The Eight Against Hate

Athletes don't get enough thanks. Let's change that. It's time to listen to minority voices and uplift our stoic heroes. 


Swinging Both Ways! Weather Found To Be Both 1000 and -10 Degrees Simultaneously

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.


OP-ED: Your Show Was Actually, Like, Good WTF

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 


Quiz: How Do You Sleep At Night?

"3. I've just posted a story on Instagram that says "repost if you're against aggravated assault—I see who views this btw." What do you do?"


ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 


OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!


Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 


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