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From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 


Massive PennCard Data Breach Reveals Details of Penn Hookup Culture

Students have mixed reactions to new “Locust Lust” platform.


To Keep Dorm Names Consistent, Quad Renamed To Prehistoric College House South

"I remember in my first week on campus, I would go home to the Quad, but I kept accidentally going to Hill because it was the first 4-sided building I saw.” 


For the Class of 2024, Some Fear Virginities May Never Be Lost

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost. 


University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  


Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.


Four Items From Urban Outfitters Clearance Rack That Say: My Parents Were Absent During My Developmental Years

Every piece of clothing in Urban Outfitters tells a story. Some say, "I just moved from Rural Virginia to Philly and boy do I need to stop wearing skinny jeans." Others say, "I just deleted Hinge for the sixth time, but this Saturday night I will redownload it."


Penn Is Forcing Meal Plans on Sophomores So that Dining Workers Are Paid More, Right?

 We all know that Penn is a seriously cash-strapped institution. The existence of Gregory College House is proof that the university does not have enough money to keep things in repair. If the school can’t even maintain dorm buildings, how do you expect Penn to pay its dining hall workers? 


Frats Compete With Testing Sites for Larger Turnout

We're the only ones allowed to have large gatherings! 


Penn Improves on COVID Dashboard by Replacing Numbers With “This Is Fine” Meme

 If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.  


Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture

Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all. 


Gray Area? Student Involved in Plagiarism Scandal Claims They Single-Handedly Authored "Battle of Agincourt" Wikipedia Article

An email from Bachar to their professor late Tuesday evening has been leaked in which they claim, “Look, this is deadass my writing! I don’t know what else you want me to say.


Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture

Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases. 


Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.


OP-ED: In Defense of Staggering, Humiliating Failure (for My Enemies)

In fifty years, when my enemies look back on their lives, I want them to find peace knowing that they failed spectacularly, learned from it, and never crossed me again for as long as they lived.


Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0


UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.


CAN’T FOCUS IN ZOOM LECTURES? TRY COCAINE!

 Every time you look into the screen, do you just see a void of letters and numbers and symbols that don’t mean anything as they dance around the screen like monkeys bouncing off the walls after having too many bananas dipped in concentrated Monster Energy drink? 


It Just Looks Sooo Yummy! Freshman Makes It Big Food-Blogging 1920 Commons

The establishment is rapidly gaining prominence nationally and internationally, and is expecting to be awarded the third, coveted Michelin Star later this week.


UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!


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