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Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.


Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 


BREAKING: Looking to Buy One Magic Gardens Ticket

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  


There's No Mumps Outbreak, Wendell Pritchett Just Really Wanted to Use "Inflamed Testicles" in a Mass Email

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


OP-ED: Stop Asking Token Male Candidates to Run for Office

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  


Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  


How to Walk down Locust so Everyone Knows You’re from New York

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.


Tragic! This Girl Is Agonizing over Which Recitation to Choose Even Though She'll Be Skipping It Anyway

A difference of a half hour can be absolutely crucial.


Stand Down: Katie Brought a Banana Whip to Club Meeting and Has Something to Say

That's right, a full 15 minutes after the hour-long meeting began, Katie burst through the door apologizing for her tardiness. She didn't give an excuse, but her banana whip with chocolate chunks and cookie crumbles shows no signs of melting.


University Officials Predict Flash Flooding at 'Evening With Antoni Porowski' Event Friday

The decision to declare a flood advisory was reached "after careful deliberation of a number of factors," chief among them being the presence of several hundred "exceptionally horny" students waiting to catch a glimpse of the Queer Eye star in the flesh.


Donald Trump Serves Fast Food at White House, Hoping to Recruit a Big New Pledge Class

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


An Open Letter to the Person in the Stall Next to Me: Please Leave so I Can Shit, I Am Terrified

Don’t get me wrong. You seem super dope with your high-top converse and all, but this isn’t working out. 


Johnny Forgets Lucky Pen and All Knowledge at Home

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"


Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.


It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 


OP-ED: Can We Do Your Place Tonight? I Have Crippling Depression so My Room Is Really Messy

haha i mean well yea my mental health isnt [100 emoji] at the moment u know


Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.


Mother Mary! St. Francis of Assisi Looks Confused at Friars Smoker

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.


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