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Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 


Ally Behavior! This Straight Woman Does Poppers

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"


Translation Guide: Understanding the Father Tongue

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!


Happy Daddy's Day from Under the Button

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy



Change Up! Dad Who Usually Complains About Never Seeing Kids Now Wants Kids Permanently Out of House

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 


“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!


UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.


Celebrate Dad by Recreating That BBQ Shown During the Side Effects of Every Medication Ad

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 


Op-Ed: 20 Years Old Is Not Too Old for Father’s Day Breakfast in Bed

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 


Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.


Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.


Student Interning from Home Regrets Passionate Goth My Little Pony Phase

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.


Sophomore Unaware He Is at Exact Moment When Gifted Child Turns into Burnt Out Adult

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.



Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Resist Your Cousin’s Sexual Advances in Quarantine?

You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 



Here’s What Farm Animal You Are, Based on the Amount of Oats You Eat

Oink oink, you fat little Porker! Why does little Porker eat so many Oat and leave so few? 


Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 


How to Not Set Yourself on Fire When Someone Bumps Message on Slack

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work. 


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