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BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands. 

Seniors: Five Signs It’s Time to Start Lying About Your Age

Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion. 

OP-ED: So We're All Still Cheating On Exams, Right?

By that logic, we might as well not cheat at all, but the game theory example of the prisoner’s dilemma would point out something that I could also quickly look up if asked about on an exam.

Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  

Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough

Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 

Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 

TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

BREAKING: Nicki Minaj Makes Unprecedented $100 Million Donation to CAPS

Minaj has not commented personally on the donation, but insiders say Nicki was worried about a few fans — known to the community as Barbz — who expressed their struggles with Penn's psychological services. 

Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home

Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.

BREAKING: Dining Dollars to Become Official Currency of Philadelphia

If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.

People Cheer as Cocky February Birthdays Are Finally Taken Down by Corona

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word? 

Report: Besties Who Slay Together Stay Together

Statistically significant results found that a maximized joint slay between besties resulted in loving and long-lasting relationships. No joint slay? The results were much more ominous for these besties.

Wild! Despite Student Body Twitter Presence, High Schoolers Still Think Penn Is Cool

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

OP-ED: Now, It's My Turn to Laugh.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.

Stoner Freshman Excited For Pot Truck Reopening

"I knew that Penn had a wide variety of food trucks. But of all the colleges that I considered, Penn was the only college that had a marijuana truck,” said Thead. 

BREAKING: My Mom Wants Everyone to Know That This Season of 'Outlander' Has Way Less Sex in It

I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.

Forehead, Nose, Tongue, and Other Creative and Sanitary Ways to Press Elevator Buttons

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.  

Valentine’s Gay! Why Celebrating Love Makes You a Sissy

All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.

V-Day Activity! Fuck, Marry, Kill - Penn Edition

Marry: All of them - Don’t be stupid.

Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts.