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OP-ED: It Is Aries Szn and I Totally Understand What That Means, Haha

Jupiter’s in retrograde, which is supposed to bring out my spontaneous side, which is NOT something I researched for this particular article.


OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.


The Real Magic Gardens Tickets Are the Friendships We Made Along the Way

Castle isn’t really hosting an event, they just want to bring us closer together as a school. That’s why they sent us on an impossible quest to get “tickets,” because they know we’d have to work together and meet so many new people along the way. 


OP-ED: Gender Neutral Bathrooms Are Great, But When Will They Build Bathrooms for Men?

 There are nearly zero bathrooms on campus designed and intended specifically for men.


Rock Bottom? Stevie Just Gopuff'd Juul Pods to Van Pelt

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.


OP-ED: Men with Gigantic Backpacks Can’t Take All the Space in the Classroom

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?


OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 


Here Are 4 Flouncy Skirts for You to Black out in This Fling

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.


OP-ED: Van Pelt Should Be Replaced with a 24-Hour Diner

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will Brad Fuck Your Girlfriend at Fling?

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 


OP-ED: Let the Organ Music on Locust Headline Fling

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.


My Parents Wouldn't Pay for My Tuition to a State School, but I Found My Home at Beta

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.


Inventive! Engineer Tries to 3D Print a Personality

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.


Yo, Can You Venmo Me 60 Cents for the Condom I Used Last Night?

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.


Unused Yoga Mat Has Now Been Sitting in Woman’s Apartment for 2 Years

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.


Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.


I’m a Penn Athlete and I Will Accept Payment in Cash Venmo or Bitcoin Thank U

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.


Here Are 5 Puddles You Can Splash Around in Instead of Paying for Pool Party This Fling

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.


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