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“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

Are you an absolute loser who’s still lugging it through the final parts of rushing & aren’t sure if you’ll make it? Don’t worry! We got you covered.


My Professor Is Mad! I Didn’t Do the Reading Because I Was Busy Finding the Truth

Even if we understand what someone is saying, that doesn’t actually mean that we understand it. 


Have You Ever Kissed a Guy in Stouffer-Mayer? And Other Pickup Lines for People of Generally Low Social Standing

For one reason or another, you find yourself at the bottom of Penn’s social hierarchy. That’s ok. Maybe you’re ugly or from a weird state. Nothing you can really change. 


“Let’s Get Drinks After This!” and Other Ways to End Your Last Appointment After You Age Out of Your Pediatricians Practice

Send out that When to Meet, sync your GCals, and enjoy your new best friend! 


GBF Population Nosedives After Self-Actualized Girlypop Goes Abroad

They’re all in Spain, frolicking in Salamanca. 


It Be My Great Fortuna! Hot Girl in My Marketing Class Says She Supports Labor

Oh Herr Engels, Herr Marx, Chairman, Uncle Ho. I thank thee for my great fortuna. Margaret from Ohio does indeed support labor. 


How Studying At Fisher Fine Arts Helped Me (20, Masc) Understand Girlhood

I am now one Telfar and/or Marc Jacobs away from fully comprehending Penn-womanhood.


Gunboat Diplomacy: Study Abroad Soft Launches About as Soft as Opening of Japan by US Navy Commodore Matthew C. Perry

Each time I see the oh so not recognizable Amalfi Coast, a discreet half image of Big Ben, or the completely unfamiliar Sydney Opera House, my mind fills with textbook figures of gouty white men in uniforms stepping out of armed ships and [ACTION REQUIRED] emails. 


7 Tips to Rush in the Eyes of Jesus

Sinning runs rampant; intoxication, fornication, and spiritual deprivation all accompany “Meeting the Bros” or “dirty rushing.” However, there is a way to do away with this filth and rush properly – rush how Jesus would. 


BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite

A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027.



I Know She Saw It: Coco Gauff Posted on Her Instagram Story But Didn’t Respond to My DM

Unbeknownst to me, that little bitch (read: fantastically successful and impressive athlete) just doesn't give a fuck about the beautiful things I have to say to her.


SAC Fair Opens New Horizons: Perhaps I Am the Perfect Candidate for Swing Dancing

Despite never taking a dance class in my life, the representatives regard my pudgy legs and deem them “perfect for our types of choreography.”


Penny For Your Thoughts; Miss, For a Dollar; And Other Ways to Ask for a Letter of Recommendation

Imagine you came up with these awesome email ideas but are still struggling to get that letter. You’re seeing people around you. They’re going to career fairs. Where are you? Wilcaf. Writing satire. They have jobs. You don’t. They’ve been accepted to their abroad programs. You haven’t. 


Op-Ed: I’m Going Abroad to Gregory College House

I want to explore the world! I want my mind, body, and soul to experience different environments, different cultures, different halal carts, even! 


DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.


The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.


Photo Essay: A Tour of Penn's Campus with Coin for Scale

Now you know how large these buildings are, as well as the color of my nails. 


Rookie Mistake: Freshman Confused Why NOTO So Hard To Find at “Club” Fair

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.


After SFFA v. Harvard, What’s Next for Affirmative Action at Penn? We Asked Two White Guys and the Daughter of a Shanghainese Billionaire

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.


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