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OP-ED: Forget Princeton, Gimme a Duck Fartmouth Shirt
Why was our rival selected without the letter swapping motif in mind in the first place?
BREAKING: To Enter the Kelly Writers House You Must Have Clit Piercing
As more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months.
Meet the Under the Button Writer Born in Late 2013
Sydney Gelman sits on a mint green loveseat in her above-ground bunker apartment. Sipping on a Diet Coke, she looks around the apartment with disdain and calls it a “windowless asylum.” Gelman, a writer for Under the Button dot com, has the dubious distinction of being the youngest on staff.
Penn Panhellenic Reveals That Dining Hall Food Has Been Hazing This Whole Time
Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.
Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names
He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.”
Wacky! This Junior Wore an Alumni Scarf During Homecoming
He hasn’t even graduated yet and he’s wearing an *alumni* scarf. Even professional comedians can’t come up with this kind of stuff.
Penn Bookstore Deal! Pack of American Spirits to Be Given with Each Purchase of Art History Textbook
No longer will these “super-broke-but-can-still-afford-dresses-from-Reformation” creative types have to dole out almost 13 dollars at Avril 50 to maintain that sweet nic fix.
OP-ED: Hey, Can You Crack My Back?
ow we can get back to the marketing project. Except, I have knots. Horrible, horrible knots. Honestly, they’re the worst knots I’ve ever had, and I bet you’ve never seen knots worse than mine. If you could just take your elbow and jam it into my shoulder, I’d owe you big time.
Here’s the Secret-Menu Class That Counts for Every Requirement BAbeyyyyyy
Hey funky ladies. You thought classes could only double count? Nah-uh, sweet face. That’s what they want you to think. Here’s the one class that quattuordecuple counts for all 14 of those foundational requirements and sector requirements.
Following Big Donation, Penn to Rename Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Major to Politics, Philosophy, and Economics
After a recent multi-million dollar donation by James Politics, PPE is getting a major name change. After years of placing philosophy first in its three-pronged list, PPE is relegating it to the second P slot.
Myth or Fact: White People Wear Shoes in Bed
What sociopath would willingly bring their dirtiest piece of clothing into the sanctity of their white sheets?
New College House West Construction Heats Up: Building Starts to Blush
New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders.
Caps Installs an Elementary School Swing Set on College Green for Students to Brood On
Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.
Top 3 Places to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at UPenn
Although no one can be certain of the exact day, every prepared citizen should have a well-thought-out plan.
Padded Rage Rooms to Replace GSRs
PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.
'I’ve Always Wanted to Try Shrooms,' Says Friend Who Literally Never Will
“Did you see the way the trees were, like, breathing? I really want that to happen to me, too. The scenery was just so pretty.”
Penn-Princeton Game to See Massive Turnout, Might Fill One Row of Student Section
Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. The storied Penn-Princeton rivalry has been a source of much excitement on campus and has captured the attention of maybe six Penn students over the past 20 years.
Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read
“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.
