Writer’s Block Begone! Here Are 12 More Free Sentences You Can Plop Into Your Essay
Above all for existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, the death of God caused extreme anxiety in the hearts of Europeans.
Most Recent
Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap
“We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project. The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances.
Writer’s Block Begone! Here Are 12 More Free Sentences You Can Plop Into Your Essay
Grace Ginsburg
Friday, Jan. 31, 2020Fri, Jan 31, 2020
Above all for existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, the death of God caused extreme anxiety in the hearts of Europeans.
This Is The Year I Crack This Alchemy Thing
If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom.
Frat Innovates Sticky Floorboards into Human Glue-Trap
“We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project. The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances.
BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain
A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.
For Every Goose Canada Goose Kills They Vow to Plant a New One
Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA.
Student Runs Kissing Booth to Cure His Coronavirus
Elias Rappaport
, Alden Hallak
, Charlie Dolgenos
and Kelly Huang
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2020Thu, Jan 30, 2020
A young fundraising entrepreneur has taken to Locust Walk in order to raise money to cure his coronavirus.
Quiz: Do Your Parents Miss You or Do They Just Feel Obligated to Talk to You?
Josh Campbell
Thursday, Jan. 30, 2020Thu, Jan 30, 2020
Slowly, over time, have your parents stopped saying your name and started calling you by generic names like “champ”, “kiddo”, “disappointment”, or “buddy”?
Jared Withdrawing From Society to “Focus on His Music”
“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.
Man Explains Bernie to Woman
Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.
Man to Vote for Bloomberg If He Sees Just One More Ad
Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.”
Jewish History Class Graded 60% on Exams, 40% on Chutzpah
“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”
Yogurt Left in Fridge Over Break Now More Cultured Than Exchange Student Who Left It
After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.
How to Descend the Huntsman Staircase Like a Goddamn Debutante
As your hand glides ever so sensually along the Huntsman staircase railing, you can practically hear your name being announced, the applause, the oohs and ahs.
Old Man in Pottruck Locker Room Definitely Staying Naked for Longer than Necessary
The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense.
OP-ED: Help, I’m Drunk in the Pottruck Pool Again
I’ve been here before. I know it — it’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake. The gentle lapping of waves. The buzz of the fluorescent lights. The chlorinated burn. The never ending drip...
OP-ED: We Need to Talk About the Chandelier in Allegro’s
Frank discussion is the first step toward genuine understanding, and I know that we are collectively baffled by the choice of light fixture in the glass-enclosed lobby of the local pizza joint.
OP-ED: Here's How Kamala Harris Can Still Win
Ok, hear me out. I know it's a long-shot, but there's still a chance, I promise. Honestly, I'd even argue that she's the front-runner at this point. Only real political science gurus like myself can see behind CNN's veil of ignorance and understand that the real Democratic candidate in 2020 will be none other than Kamala Harris.
The Results Are In! The Hottest Pets on Campus Are a Loose Rat and a Box of Bugs
After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.
OP-ED: I Exclusively Use My Carrel in VP to Film Softcore Porn
It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.
BREAKING: Lindsey Thinks Her Backpack Needs Its Own Chair at Starbucks
“Well here’s what I wish I’d said. I wish I would’ve been like, 'okay sweetheart. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna move your bag from this chair, you’re gonna pull it out for me so I can sit down, and you’re gonna apologize to me for my troubles. Then, you’re gonna pack up your stuff, walk out the door, and never show your face here again…' But instead I just apologized for bothering her, did a weird little bow, and ran out without picking up my drink.”
