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BREAKING: Andrew Yang Secures Huge Endorsement From Guy in My Poli Sci Lecture

In a highly awaited endorsement announcement, Luke from my Poly Sci 100 lecture has announced his support for Andrew Yang's 2020 presidential campaign. In a 3-minute speech viewed by hundreds in College Hall 200, as well as an impatient professor, Luke walked the entire class through his thought process and rationale for this decision.

Holiday Lights Outside of Frat Bring Festive Mood to The Sexual Misconduct Currently Happening

Sure, it might be unpleasant for the women of this university to feel unsafe in the spaces that undeniably dominate this campus’ social scene, but at least there are some pretty lights outside. Yea, it would be nice for Bennett to understand the concept of personal space and boundaries, but he was probably too busy setting up the lights to realize how his actions make women uncomfortable.

Patrick's Conversation Tips

Hi, my name is Patrick. I've overheard thousands of conversations and have been included in 3 or 4. If you're not a gifted conversationalist like me, you might be wondering, "how do I do these dang things?" But don't worry pal, I'm here for you. Here are some helpful tips that can get you started.

Hungover Student Has to Explain to Parents Why He Donated to Michael Bennet’s Campaign

Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign.

Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby

“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”

Perry World House to Get Even Bigger TV

Students on campus have long felt that the television in Perry World House was too small. Ruby Cheung, a sophomore in the college, told Under the Button reporters that the television was so small it made her embarrassed to be a Quaker.

Amy Gutmann Won’t Rest Until Every Child in West Philly Plays Squash — Here’s Why

Pew Research Center Finds That Majority of Americans Say “Pew Pew” When Firing Imaginary Gun

The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.

From McKinsey to K-Pop: Wharton Alum Has Locked BTS in a Cage

When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.

Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury

While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.

Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?

Report: Funny Friend Actually Just Kinda Mean

It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.

Gay Rights! LGBT Center to Introduce Poppers on Tap

The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!

My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.

Senior Denied AI Internship by AI Interviewer

He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype. 

Dear Professor: I Am But a Poor Orphan Boy. Pathetic Human Garbage. For the Love of God. Let Me Into This Recitation.

I clambered into this world a cold, disgusting little worm man. Even the mound of garbage from which I was created could not bare to house me. And so, like the near-sighted, mud-dwelling mole that I am, I gnarled my way through the heap and into the blinding sun.

Sorority Rush Man on the Street

 Joseph Elston talks to the future leaders of Penn's Panhellenic societies.