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Photo by Lea Eisenstein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After Three Years, Senior Still Hopelessly Confused About How to Spell Gutmann

NEWS | Lea Eisenberg
Fri, Sep 21, 2018

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

Photo by Lea Eisenstein / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After Three Years, Senior Still Hopelessly Confused About How to Spell Gutmann

NEWS | Lea Eisenberg Friday, Sept. 21, 2018Fri, Sep 21, 2018

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

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BREAKING: Jeb Bush Walks Down Locust, Literally No One Cares

NEWS | Sammy Gordon Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2018Wed, Sep 19, 2018

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

Photo from pxhere / CC0

Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

NEWS | Kasra Khadem Wednesday, Sept. 19, 2018Wed, Sep 19, 2018

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

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Sophomore Banished to Hell by Protester Was Already in Electrical Engineering

NEWS | Karman Cheema Sunday, Sept. 16, 2018Sun, Sep 16, 2018

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

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Schools In! That Means It's Time for Jessica to Confront Her Semi-Exclusive Summer Fling on What the Summer Meant to Him

NEWS | Natalia Joseph Friday, Sept. 14, 2018Fri, Sep 14, 2018

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

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Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

NEWS | Kasra Khadem Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018Wed, Sep 12, 2018

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).

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Itchy Tag on New Shirt First Thing Junior Hates More Than Self

NEWS | UTB Staff Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2018Tue, Sep 11, 2018

For decades, self-esteem of College junior Joelle Simmons has been low. While most in her demographic of white, upper middle class, Ivy League women have mid-level self-esteem, often referring to themselves as “fine” or “a little bloated,” Simmons’ self-esteem was far lower. One close friend noted that Simmons’ self-esteem was so low, her automatic email sign off was simply, “I’m sorry.”

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PennApps' New Shower Stations Go Unused

NEWS | Seth Fein Tuesday, Sept. 11, 2018Tue, Sep 11, 2018

In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.

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