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News


SPORTS REPORT: Penn Basketball Already Recruiting 6-Foot-6-Inch Forward Barron Trump

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 


As Nation Implodes, Nevada Takes Time for Self Care

Sure it might seem simple enough to just count the motherfucking ballots already, considering like 45 states did it in a day, but Nevada looks to Pennsylvania and finds the justification it needs. “If Pennsylvania hasn’t gotten their shit together either, it’s okay because I probably won’t be the last one.”  


Canvas: The New Dating App to Meet Old, Married Professors

Hiiiiiiiiiii, KittyKat69SeX411 here! Long time SeekingArrangment user, short time student. I took advantage of the add/drop period, by surfing Canvas pages to find the sad little married fucks in need of some dick tickling. 


US President Elected Peacefully and Democratically

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  


Wayfair Pleased Everyone Forgot It Was Accused of Child Trafficking

Since the summer, Wayfair executives have been able to kick their feet up and relax after a stressful coverup. They were able to crack open a cold one with the boys surrounded by the storage cabinets that they deny ever contained any human beings.


The Results Are In! Obama Won

If we’re going to spread fake news, we might as well make it good news.   


Three Simple Tricks to Make Your Vote Count Twice

How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.


5 Trader Joes Products That Will Briefly Curb Feelings Of Impending Doom

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 


BREAKING: Heirloom Trip Ends with Total Under $6,000

“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”


Breaking: My Social Skills During the Pandemic

Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?


Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.


BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 


US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 


Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 


Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.


Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?


"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."


Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  


Report: Zoom Breakout Rooms Found to be Quieter than Cold Vacuum of Space

The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.


BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 


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