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News


Sophomore Says Hi to All Her Acquaintances at Darty, Can Finally Leave

As NSO rolls around, so do all those Facebook darty invites. Of course, Carolina Cortes (C ’21), because she isn’t rude, replied ‘going’ to all of them: to panthers, to gorillas, and, yes, even to scorpions. 


Report: 85% of Freshmen Haven't Come to Penn, Still Waiting for School Bus

It’s that time of year again. While most upperclassmen have settled back in their old campus haunts, Penn’s freshman halls lie mysteriously empty.


Peer Advisor Suggests Trying 'A Little Cocaine' This Semester

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine. 


Senior Girl With $2,400 Rent to Literally Never Leave Smokes

Christie Satterfield (C ’19) doesn’t love her new apartment at The Brian. Sure, it has super cute granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, the most lovely waterfall shower and multi-jet bathtub, and such a quaint planetarium off the living room. But it just doesn’t feel like home sweet home.


Freshman Drops Class Because Midterm Will Conflict With Day 2 of Her Period

Lisa Wilcox (C ’22) had everything planned out. A fresh-faced pre-med student ready to take on the world and declare her BBB major (in no particular order), Wilcox was set to knock out all of her introductory science requirements by the end of her freshman spring. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go awry.



Huntsman Closing at 2 a.m. Gives Wharton Students First Ever Urge to be Engaged

With the calm and politically gentle year of 2017, most Wharton students had no idea anything in the world was problematic enough to be deserving of a protest. 


5 Dorm Decorations That Will Make People Think You’re Fun and Cool

If you’re not an international student or from New York, it can be hard to make an impactful first impression. 


Rising Junior Ecstatic to Return to Wearing Athleisure Every Day

According to a school-wide survey, Alex Travers (W ’20) is one of the six students excited to return to school this month.


All NSO Events Preemptively Moved to HUP Emergency Room

Citing low attendance in years past to mandatory New Student Orientation events, the University announced Monday that all events this year will be held at its hospital’s emergency room. The move is part of an effort to make attending NSO events more convenient for freshmen.


Uh Oh! New Pool Party Dress Code Excludes Jerseys, Crop Tops, and Privilege

The dress code states that, “under no circumstance are sports jerseys allowed in the vicinity. Please find hip, alternative ways to assert your stomach-churning masculinity. We have faith in you.


NSO Seminar to Teach Mechanisms for Coping With Father’s Indictment While at Penn

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.


Foodie Alert! Incoming Freshman Has Already Secured 5 Zahav Reservations

The early bird gets the worm! Or in this case, rather than a worm, Elizabeth Rogers (C '22) will be getting some Golden Beets and a Syrian Lamb Kabob.


Woah! Andrew Is an Incoming Finance Concentrator at The Wharton School

“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”


Heartbreaking: "Serial Entrepreneur" Suffering Withdrawal After Not Starting a Fake Company in the Past Two Weeks

When he opened his first lemonade stand at the age of 4, Goldberg knew that he was bound to become a true business mogul. Within years, he had claimed to be the "CEO, Co-Founder, and President" of over a dozen companies.


Sad: Wharton Students Will Be the First Ones Guillotined in the Class War

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.


Lonely Student at Penn Over the Summer BYOs Banana Leaf By Himself

One family of 4 reportedly witnessed him "slapping the bag by himself," and begging their 4 and 6-year old children to have a boat race with him.


Amy Wax Accepts New Job as General Counsel of Papa John's

"I think it will be a great fit," stated a spokesman from the company. "Professor Wax has shown to be a huge admirer of pizza in the past."


New App Helps to Find Most Convenient Ladies’ Bathrooms in DRL

"Honestly, we recommend recycling your urine like a hibernating bear, but not everyone has the biological capabilities to do this yet. Rest assured, there is a team of engineers and pre-med students working to solve this problem immediately.”


Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

"If he didn't get an A+ in his Advanced Quantum Computing course, there's no way we would have hired him to do this critical work for our organization."


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