White House Press Secretary and Supreme Arbiter of Truth Sarah Huckabee Sanders was tasked this week with preparing the White House for the arrival of the Super Bowl Champions, the Philadelphia Eagles.

College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company.

Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.

CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.

On his first day of his new internship, rising Senior Carl Jefferson entered the office feeling perplexed. Accustomed to crowds of students wearing similar backpacks across campus, he was shocked to see a sudden disappearance of this accessory he had come to love and respect. 

As a study break during finals week, Rodin College House recently hosted a diamond-cutting workshop in its Rooftop Lounge. The event, held on the evening of the last day of classes, was free of charge to any Rodin resident and allowed each participant to walk away with a small but precious cut diamond. 

This Wednesday, a interdisciplinary research team from the Penn Fine Arts Department and the School of Dental Medicine published the results of a groundbreaking study. Approximately 89.43% of individuals who identify as male don’t really know how to smile in photos.

Victor Randal hates many things about Penn. Far too frequently, he can be spotted roaming campus and presenting his controversial opinions, regularly complaining about the privilege and entitlement amongst his peers. 

Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.

No way! In a shocking turn of events, Margaret Benson (C '18), someone with a friendship track record that is shitty at best, has suddenly decided to be nice to her friend Sarah Goldstein (C '18) on social media

An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.

Morgan Bernstein (C ’22) is eager to access the 6,540,557 physical volumes held in the Penn Libraries collection when she arrives on campus next fall.

He created a hip new startup that was a crowdsourced way to choose your own driver, or “Tinder for Uber” as he called it. Since he was a determined, Type A, business-minded hustler, he called up a few of his more technically inclined friends to code the app, after which they were promised equity and experience for their resume.

Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 

In a stunning show of range, local friend Josh Laby (W '18) has also established himself as a bully to his small circle of friends.

Before arriving at Penn, Seiji Sample (C ’21) had no idea he would need a fake ID, but within the first week he already saw fellow freshmen going in on orders together. Sample, a sensitive soul, had a little trouble finding friends during NSO. As a result, he missed out these orders.

This rule may seem extreme; however, when it is actually enforced in the Fall, it will change very little. Studies from the last four years show that on average, 98% of people in the Writers House at any given time were sporting clogs. 

Finals season is upon us, and many students from the area are migrating home to increase their productivity while they prepare for exams. Allie Gross (E '20) is among the homeward bound, but one thing sets her apart from her peers: Allie has no intention of returning to campus this year.