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News


'Trust the Process,' Yells Sixers Fan Planning to Tank All Finals

Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.


Fling Alternatives: Come Listen to Fall Out Boy in Warwick 107 Tonight at 8

Koenig’s roommate moved out in November because the dorm was allegedly “too lit,” so there’s plenty of space for the entire student body.


Study: Roommate Who's Been Meal Prepping All Semester 'Slightly Better Than You As A Person'

At the start, you’re really proud of the $3.78 you’re spending on every meal, but by your fourth day of chicken breast and brown rice you’re already craving a burger from Copa.


​Chef Rick Bayless Is AirDropping Pictures of Guacamole to Strangers On Locust Walk

Turn off Bluetooth on your phone right now. Multiple sources are reporting that Chef Rick Bayless, the iconic restauranteur behind Tortas Frontera, is AirDropping pictures of fresh guacamole to random students as they pass down Locust Walk.


Last Call! Pick Up Your HUP Wristband From MERT at Saxbys From 3-5 p.m.

Fling has flung!!! Stop by Saxbys to pick up your HUP wristband and save time in the emergency room this weekend.


Meet the Tens of Students Who Are Secretly Excited for The All-American Rejects

It might have something to do with the fact that the student body is made up of over 10,000 undergraduates; however, these twenty-plus anonymous students are here, and they demand representation.


Pre-med Student Banking on No One Staying Home and Studying During Fling in for a Shock

“Thirteen weeks out of a fifteen week semester?” she scoffed to our reporter “13/15 isn’t even a B+ in most of my classes.”


Yikes! Guy Bragging About Excel Skills Way Too Proud About Intimate Knowledge of Keyboards

During our interview, he was too concerned with achieving peak muscle memory to every maintain eye contact, but it was clear that the rhythmic clattering of his keyboard was doing some weird stuff to the dude. 


5 AMAZING Spaghet Recipes You Can Make in the Side Pocket of Your Backpack on the Way to Class

You've got six hours of classes back-to-back ahead of you, and zero time to grab a real lunch.


Simply Chaos Comedian Takes on Taboo Subject of Masturbation

In his stand-up set during the Chaos show this past weekend, Andrews warmed up the crowd with the standard jokes about his strange childhood and how awkward he is in social interactions.


Unpacking Penn: What Your Tour Guides REALLY Don’t Tell You When You Visit Campus

Here’s some things that our tour guide *conveniently* forgot to mention.


Penn Dining Protests CupcaKke: 'Why Aren't Students This Excited About Our Food?'

While most students are confused as to why the All American Rejects have risen from the grave for this event, there was a greater upset when CupcaKke’s appearance was announced.


Academic Advisor Caught off Guard by Mere Existence of Job

Sociology professor Vincent Kramer was having a relatively peaceful day until he received an email from a student regarding advanced registration. The student had addressed the professor as his “advisor,” a term foreign to the faculty member.


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