We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.

Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?

Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).

Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?

Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv

"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 

“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.