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News


Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 


New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 


Campus Compact Misunderstanding? Frat Compacts Over 400 People from Campus Into House Party

As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.


Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 


Modern Day Gatsby? Open Tabs in Zoom Screenshare Clearly Curated for Single Student

Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.


Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”


Religious Studies Professor Holds Smoke Sesh During Office Hours

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”


McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 


Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 


Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”


Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.


Meet the Student Responsible for 127 of Penn's 250 Campus Violations

Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.


Penn’s New Program Will Pay for You and One Professor to Do Ecstasy Together...and I’m on It Right Now.

 Why did I choose Sister Catherine? Why the fuck wouldn’t I lol. 


Hate Crime Club Rebrands as Anti-Crime Club to Avoid Confusion

 The branded white hats the club ordered will also have to be returned.  


You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids

We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the midst of so much darkness.


Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d


Penn Sophomore Experience: Tied Up at the Bottom of NCH West, Eating Dog Shit

But at the end of the day, it’s an experience like no other, meant to bring you closer to your classmates. That is, if they are able to survive...


Penn to Introduce PennOpen Pass+ For High-Paying Red Passes

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.


Guy Who Played Penn Masala Song During Make Out Session Not Even in Penn Masala

At one point, the guy stopped his motion and whispered into the air: “Alexa, play Musafir by Penn Masala.” 


Relief! Spikeball Season Continues Strong Following Sports Cancellation

Spikeball is life. Spikeball is love. 


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