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You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?

We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.

High-Rise Mice, Rats Complain of Student Infestation

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.

Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 

Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function


Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.

I Lived It: My Roommate Boiled Her Menstrual Cup in My Electric Kettle

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.

Victory! Company Gentrifying McDonald’s Is Owned by Women and Minority

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.

Tsk Tsk! Girl Wears Dr. Martens Without Platforms

Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?

Startup Ambassadors Ditch Insomnia Cookies, Now Offer Toothy, Egregious Head if You Download Their App

Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).

Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot

Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?

BREAKING! Alum Abruptly Leaves Homecoming Darty to Take a "Work Call," Makes Sure You Know This

Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv

Dude Who Is Already A Fifth-Year Senior Can't Wait For Homecoming Next Year

"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"

One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 

Wharton Student Has Successful Coffee Chat With Parents Visiting For Homecoming

“It’s great to see the folks every now and then. It’s so important to build a strong network."

Penn to Divert Funds from Middle East Center Towards Implementation of Sharia Law in Frats

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Undefeated Penn Football Team Will Now Face Alabama at Homecoming Game

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.