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Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

3. Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. 

Greedy and Bloodthirsty Administration Urges Students to Put Penn as Their Life Insurance Beneficiary

The administration has urged the students to put the University down as their life insurance beneficiary, and, after doing so, the students will be hunted down for sport.

In Fear of Chinese Spying, US Bans Paper, Compass, Explosives

 “Due to the ban of paper, we iterate it is the patriotic duty of all Americans to discontinue the use of toilet paper, and adopt leaves, corn cobs, and rocks,” said Ross.  

Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement

Over the past few years, Mrs. Kardashian West has shown a keen interest in matters relating to jurisprudence and legal philosophy.

Fly’s Search for Literal Shit Head Ends

"I only heard stories about it. It's passed down from generation to generation. The great myth of the literal shit head. I wouldn't have believed it myself if it weren't broadcast on live television!" 

"Huh, When Did This Get Here?" Lost Student Stumbles Upon Clark Park

Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??

Oops They Did It Again, Irreparably Damaged My Mental Health

'Cause to lose all our breaks, that is just so typical Penn.

Meal Prep! 10 Ways to Roast Your Veggies

Mushrooms, the only way youu2019ll ever get laid is to crawl up a chickenu2019s ass and wait.

Has Democracy Died? Student Government Voter Turnout Decreases From 5 Students to 2

Despite recent events, I had held out held hope that perhaps democracy still existed somewhere in the dark and distant corners of the world. That hope died as soon as I heard the news of the latest political tragedy: the decrease in voter turnout for Penn student government elections.

Freshman Who Read 'Atlas Shrugged' in High School Can't Wait to Tear Shit Up in Ethics Class

"It's great to have somebody that isn't afraid to share their thoughts with everyone. But his desire to free America from the shackles of big government alongside a cabal of free-thinking business magnates isn't really appropriate for this class."

New Discovery: Putting On Jeans Portal to Feeling Human Again

“No doubt, denim has some astounding properties. Not only does contact with it give the wearer a sense of well-being, but it also prevents them from feeling like a complete and utter drain on society’s resources.”

2 for 1 Deal! Chad Can Give You Chlamydia AND Coronavirus

Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. 

Student Health Service’s Guide to Safe Sex During COVID-19

Over at Student Health Services, we know that the young mind is susceptible to poor decision making, and will likely put lust over logic. Therefore, we’ve created this document of SHS’s top tips and tricks to help navigate sexual relations during the pandemic.

BREAKING: Trump Totally Fine, but Also Like Really Sick

In reality, the whole visit to Walter Reed was not serious at all. It was basically just a check-up with a sleepover component.

OP-ED: Online University is Just OnlyFans for Masochists

It seems like we all enjoy putting ourselves through the pain of school work just so we can get out of it and feel better.  

God Concerned That His Inbox Is Full of Death Wishes

Dear God, I pray not only for the death of Donald Trump, but I pray that his death is long and suffering. I wish that he shits himself from fear as the doctors put tube after tube down his throat.

OP-ED: We Need To Talk About The Slack Industrial Complex

I’ll say it if no one else will: this could all happen in a GroupMe, or even over iMessage. It’s time we unlearn the lessons Slack has taught us. 

Biden Tests Positive for Being a Lame Nerd

While the COVID-19 test typically determines whether someone is positive or negative for the virus, Biden received a not-so-shocking additional result, that he is in fact a lame ass bitch nerd loser. 

BREAKING: Trump Tests Positive for Democratic Hoax

Trump is usually so good at coming up with his own hoaxes so it’s just a little disappointing to see him play into someone else’s this time.

6 Microscopes To Help See Our Spring Break

Under the Button gathered the top scientists and most powerful microscopes in the world to help find where the fuck Spring Break went.