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Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. 


UPennAlert: I’m Upset at 39th and Locust

See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.


Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.


Freshman With Commitment Issues Skips Advance Registration

Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.” 


How the Bridge to 1920 Commons Inspired Miley’s Hit Single "The Climb"

Just mere cobblestones away: Commons. 


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.


Soviet-Style Architecture Students Visit 1920 Commons for Inspiration

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.


Pie in Center of Graph K=5: How To Conjure a CIS 160 TA

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  


Caring Professor Announces Final Will Be Called "Midterm" to Relieve Stress

Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.


Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.


Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.


Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  


BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 


Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.


Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 


Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 


“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 


Student Stumbles Upon New Species of Locust Walk Tree

Is this a Magnolia tree? 


Self-Identified Extroverted Introvert? You Might Be Eligible for Lethal Injection

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.


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