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News


Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade

It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. 


Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”


Penn Transit to Add New PennBus Route Direct to Long Island

Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.


Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.


Feel Old Yet? Class of 2023 Too Young to Remember Moon Landing

The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.


Controversial New Research Shows Students Perform Better on Tests if They Study More

Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it. 


Penn Rowing Team Finally Reaches Shore

At long last, they’ve finally done it.


Dean Furda's Son to "Row Crew" at Penn Next Year

Jimmy can’t wait to graduate from Wharton in 2023 and is thrilled that he is getting into college athletics at such an opportune time.


Jerome Allen Received $300,000 in Bribes, Still Lowest Paid Wharton Grad

Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000. According to a representative to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”


REPORT: By 2050 Penn to Admit Just 3 Exceptional Robots

Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.


Penn Sees Largest Applicant Pool to Date Thanks to 44,960 Naïve Fools in Over Their Heads

Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them. 


BREAKING: All the Thoughts You Recorded in Your Notes App Last Night Make No Sense

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.


Sophomore Excited to Fake Way through Conversations about Movie 'Us' This Month

Martin is especially looking forward to engaging over the films many themes, which, from the trailer, appear to range from “having a twin” to “definitely race in America.” 


Letter from the Editor: Enough is Enough, No More Fake News

I cannot imagine a more grotesque abuse of journalistic power. You, loyal readers, put your trust in us and we let you down. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. 


What in Tarnation? This Student from the South Doesn't Even Have a Country Accent

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.


Yikes: A Professor Accidentally Played Porn in Class, and It Wasn't Even Anything Interesting

It wasn't interracial. It wasn't queer in any way, even though the guy did have pretty long hair. The couple didn't even have any tattoos. What year is it, 1971? 


Hero in Our Midst: Tall White Guy Turns on Projector for Professor

But God willing, Jared Donovan was there to save the day. 


Study: Mo Bamba #1 Cause of Jonathan Saying the N-Word

We certainly expect the trend to die down in a few weeks and for Jonathan to return to saying the N-word for other unjustifiable reasons.


Cute: This Professor Assigns Reading for His Lecture Class

You're students, he imagines, so you're here to learn. Right?


The Collctve Goes on Wheel of Fortune to Buy a Vowel

Last weekend, club leadership went on the game show Wheel of Fortune for the sole purpose of purchasing two vowels. While things got off to a slow start when Collctve president Justin Davies (C ‘20) accidentally bought an O, one of the few vowels the Collctve already had, eventually the club rebounded and bought the proper letters.


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