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Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”


Photo Essay: Penn Architecture Society's Building Beautification Proposal

The Penn Architecture Society suggests these alterations.


BREAKING: GSR Disputes Will Now Be Settled With Staring Contests

I showed the woman at the front desk in Biotech my green pass. She hissed at me. Fair enough.


Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space

Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays. 


Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect

Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.


Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.


REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”


Breaking: Your Answer Not One of the Multiple Choice Options

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  


Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.


I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?


Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden


Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!



Student Appeals Academic Board, Claiming Her Interracial Relationship Satisfies Cross-Cultural Analysis Requirement

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”


Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation

Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier.


Progress! Only Two (2) Students Sent to Hospital After Commons Dinner This Week

I hope to one day acquire enough power to end the Penn dining plan once and for all. But for now I will eat my La Plancha meal swipe burrito and ponder a better future. 


Guy in Cinema Studies Class Keeps Comparing Everything to Madagascar

Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.


Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?


Heartbreaking: UTB Writer Befriends Fictional Scapegoat Character from Their Articles

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”


Penn to Open Branch Campus in Cancun for Spring Break Classes

Life is full of surprises. But one constant in my life has been seeing sorority sisters and fraternity brothers make their annual migration to the tropics for spring break.


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