News


Professor Assigns Problem Set That Is Just a List of Intimate Personal Issues

Physics professor Robert Ryker recently assigned a problem set to his physics 151 lecture that contained no physics problems. Instead, it contained a list of Professor Ryker's personal issues.


Penn Researchers Develop Even Thinner Toilet Paper For Campus Bathrooms

45 percent thinner than existing toilet paper, the new design replaces the existing single ply with the equivalent of a half ply.


Smokes Hosts 21st Birthday Celebration for 3-Year Regular

No longer would she have to fret as the bouncers inspected her fake, which they would hold up to the light while they asked for the capital of Delaware.


Entire Class Turns on TA After Professor Mistakenly Leaves During Exam

DRL Lecture Hall A3 recently went from learning-field to battlefield. As a midterm for Astronomy 533 was well underway, Professor Henry Glack made the critical mistake of leaving the room in the middle of the exam.


'I Hate Glass Ceilings' Notes Student Who Spends Free Time Calling Amy Gutmann a Robot

Sammie Tomson (C ‘19) is committed to shattering artificial barriers to success. She’s also deeply dedicated to exposing Dr. Amy Gutmann for the fraud she is.


Revolutionary: Junior Fulfills Arts and Letters Sector by Watching Miyazaki Films in Pod for an Entire Semester

“Why take Chick Lit or Roman Mythology like a sucker when you could be relishing the Pod experience,” Blankenship gloated before returning his attention to a 15-second clip of “Spirited Away" looping on a nearby monitor.


Five Ways to Lie About Your 2.0 GPA this Holiday Season

'Tis the season, and if you have anything lower than a 4.0, your ass is grass and your family is going to mow it.


Sophomore Who Was Promised by Professor There Was No Formula to Getting an A Creates Formula to Get an A

He hadn’t shown up to his PSYC 170 class since mid-September and with the final in the morning, he knew his ass was grass.


Wellness Win: Student Lives with Endangered Panamanian Sloths to Not Feel Insecure About Study Habits

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.


College Senior Still Harbors Suspicion That She Was Admitted to Penn by Accident

“I just sometimes feel like I was admitted by mistake,” Jones explained. “Not just ‘sometimes,’ actually. I regularly feel that way."


Smirnoff to Make Handle-Sized Ice

In a press release today, Smirnoff announced it would be making a larger serving size of its popular drink, the Ice. 


Campus Sports Fans Thrilled They Can Still Bandwagon Penn Men's Basketball

Tens, maybe-but-probably-not hundreds, of students on campus rejoiced this evening when Penn men's basketball upset reigning NCAA national champion Villanova and shocked the world (except the three DP sports writers who "predict" every year that Penn will beat 'Nova — they totally called it).


BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.


In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.


Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here

Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.


Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 


Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.


Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date

When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.


BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.”


Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 


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