Like an absolute moron, Adams threw all of his worldly possessions, consisting of his backpack, PennCard, and Canada Goose jacket, into a locker, heeding no mind to its number, not knowing that he would never see any of these items ever again.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."

You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” 

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 

I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.

There has not been a single night since syllabus week when I haven’t had to stay up to finish a problem set.

By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat.

Despite claims that she has “no time” to do the dishes, clean her room, or make plans with friends, she found an entire hour in her schedule to browse through four websites for shoes during class. 

Pearson has stopped attending lectures and instead sits in his Radian apartment, rewinding the comedy specials in the dark, chuckling manically at the dry humor of the bespectacled man he considers to be his Knowledge God. 

Morozov inhales tar deep into her lungs as often as she can.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.

Yet almost as quickly as their star rose, it fell. With the loss of Highrise Field, Riddick and Bear’s split seemed almost foretold. 

Victoria Rivers was so inspired when Ted Mosby became the youngest person to ever design a skyscraper in NYC that she declared her major right after the episode aired.

Sorry fraternity pledges, but your startup is about to go under.

According to the company’s website, “each paying participant recruits two further participants, with returns being given to early participants using money contributed by later ones."

Many found the theme, announced Wednesday night, of “Moms that bake, Daddy’s that bring home the bacon” to be both a loss for the female gender and also incredibly pre-professional.