Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch
OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!
News
Oops! Student Who Based Entire Self-Worth on Grades Starting to Think It Was a Bad Idea
Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.
Uh Oh! Your Spotify Wrapped Says You Spent 94,564 Minutes Being a Basic Bitch
OMG. The Spotify Wrapped 2018 results are in — you spent 94,564 minutes being basic as hell this year!
ASL Study Group Removed From Fisher Fine Arts for Disturbing the Peace
The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.
Oops! Student Who Based Entire Self-Worth on Grades Starting to Think It Was a Bad Idea
Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.
Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub
At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.
Fashion Win! This Brave Formal Date Wore A Gray T-Shirt Instead Of A Suit
When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous.
Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)
It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.
Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up
It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.
Sophomore to Study Abroad in London After Realizing No Country Speaks Spanish at 140 Level
She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.
Students Beware: Field Botany Literally Just a Weed-Out Class
“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.”
Golden Goose Introduces One for One Program: One Pair of Shoes for a One Percent Tax Break for the Wealthy
Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies.
Fancy Man Housemate Showing Off Nifty Little Espresso Doodad
The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.
Meet the Wharton Grads Who Turned Down Wall Street to Launch Their Promising Startup 'Toys Were We'
“This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.”
Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall
In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.
Post Midterm Elections, Penn Students Now Morally Allowed to Stop Caring about Politics for Two Years
Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety.
Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30
She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned!
International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family
The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.
Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape
Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.
Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour
Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.
Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News
Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.
