In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.

Now you know how large these buildings are, as well as the color of my nails. 

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.

Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.

Magill responded to the findings via IG story: "We are so back."

 Fellow explorer of the unchartered territories of Path@Penn, if you find this, please tell my friends and family that I love them.  And please tell the professor that I am unable to drop the class, as I am dead.  

These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.

Gay !

Flipping drivers “the bird” is an overused and overly-aggressive defense to avoid getting hit by a car. Here are some nicer alternatives to properly communicate with Philadelphia’s finest automobile operators:

Heaven looks a lot like Facebook marketplace

They're the new kids in town. 

Next thing you know, you're transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.

For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water?

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has put together their best team in decades, with several players having used their wishes for basketball lessons from pro stars such as Michael Jordan, Devin Booker, and Blake Griffin.

Check it out.

Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.

You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.

Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.

After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up.