Nice! Fellow Bathroom Patrons Can't Hear You Take Massive Shit If You Leave AirPods In
Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.
News
BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now
“Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”
Nice! Fellow Bathroom Patrons Can't Hear You Take Massive Shit If You Leave AirPods In
Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.
Bold Student Takes Initiative to Close Window in Chilly Classroom
Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.
BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now
“Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”
'Take Your Professor to Lunch' Victim? Popular Professor's Diet is Now 85% Pod Sushi
Most professors covet a 4.0 rating on Penn Course Review. Dr. Eric Malor wishes he could get rid of his.
Wharton Professors Discover 9/10 Students Who Bullet Journal Are Psychopaths
Researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have found a near perfect correlation between kids who bullet journal and kids say that growing up with a dog was “so annoying,” a proxy for psychopathy.
Gasp! Religious Studies Major Comes Out as Agnostic
While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."
Red-Handed: Brad Caught Showering to 'Call Me Maybe' for Sixth Time
To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Engineering freshman Brad Hawkins has been caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe” for the sixth time.
Wow! MEAM Student Creates Innovative Device to Work New, Unfamiliar Showers
He's set his sights on one of the most difficult engineering challenges of post-industrial life.
Students Adopt Man Named Doug When Landlord Says They Can't Have Cat
When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated.
Nice: This Freshman's PAC is '6969'
From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.
Wow, This Privileged Penn Student Can’t Think of Anything to Be Thankful For
The first few students said things like "the opportunity to study at this school" (nerd) or "my metabolism" (weird flex but okay).
Study: 85% of All Club Board Meetings Spent Continuously Restructuring Club
The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.
University With 13 Billion Dollar Endowment Can’t Afford Drainage on Locust Walk
"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"
5 Manly Mountain Bikes to Conquer Potholes on Your Way to United By Blue
Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?
Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet
As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).
Commons Replaces All Plates with Zoo-Pals, Still Runs Out
Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.
BREAKING: Freshman Buys One Plant and Starts Referring to Her Dorm as a 'Space'
Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.
Penn Students Surprised Brexit 'Still a Thing'
On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?
University Honor Council Spotted Stalking Terrified CIS Freshman Like Sharks Circling a Wounded Tuna
According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”
UPennAlert: Chef Rick Bayless Is Running Around Frontera Naked Slathered In Guacamole Again
People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.
