BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder
Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.
News
Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman
Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.
BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder
Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.
Penn Launches New Haunted House Attraction, Literally Just DRL
After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.
Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman
Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.
BREAKING: Guy Wearing Lacrosse Hat, Shorts, Backpack, and Jacket on Lacrosse Team
Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.
New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth
In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.
Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold
Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.
First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?
As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.
Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice
Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.
Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise
The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.
OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals
Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is.
Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend
To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.
Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good
At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.
Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy
Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?
Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent
Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.
Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now
Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.
Pottruck Opens New Floor for Straight Dudes That Just Want to Check Themselves Out in Mirror
Heterosexual males rejoice!
7-Year Dental Student Forgets to Floss, Expelled
Alex Wang, a junior in Penn’s accelerated dental program, just made a career-ending mistake.
Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face
In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.
West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples
Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.
Correction: Racist Comments Taken Out Of Context of Longer Racist Rant
As a respectable news publication, Under The Button has a firm commitment to true and honest reporting.
