Opinion


It's Cute That Your Hookup Acts like His Name Is on the Lease, but God Help Him if He Eats My Wheat Thins Again

Aw, it's adorable that we have a third person sharing our living space. I love waking up and not being able to use the bathroom because you guys are having shower sex.


Holiday Advice: Bring up Politics to Avoid Talking about Your Grades

For both, no one knows how it got this bad and there isn’t really much that can be done to fix it now.


OP-ED: I Don’t Care That I Just Failed My Econ Final — My Husband Will Be Richer Than All Of You

“It’s okay, though, don’t worry about me,” I said to address their grimaces. “My husband is going to be rich. Like really rich. Probably richer than everyone in that lecture hall, actually.” 


OP-ED: I Support Your Right to Have a Mental Breakdown in This Library, but Can You Do It a Little Quieter?

If you're going to violently curse your professor's dead relatives and weep into your hands, you're gonna have to take it down juuuuust a few decibels.


OP-ED: I Didn’t Get a Flu Shot, but It’s Okay Cause I Have a Cup of Green Tea Everyday

I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.  


OP-ED: I Swear I'm Not Stealing Anything! I'm Walking Slowly Through Frogro Late at Night Because I'm Hella Indecisive

There are only so many reasons someone would be at a Frogro past 11 at night and none of them involve good decision making skills.


Help! My Grandma Started Using the Word Drip!

Apart from the usual things I expected from my time at home for Thanksgiving, I was not expecting the new slang that my Grandma had picked up. 


OP-ED: I Don’t Mind Getting 25% Off This Assignment, My 8th Trip to Spicy Memory This Semester is More Important

Midterms are worth 50% of the overall grade anyways, so all you have to do is sober up by the next one so you don’t sleep through it like you slept through the first two.  


OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.


OP-ED: Mom, I Swear I Tripped and That's Why There is a Circular Bruise on My Neck

Yes Mom, these bruises on my neck are from when I fell down the stairs of my apartment building.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Results Are In! Girls Aren't Intimidated by You — You're Just an Asshole

I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.   


Meet the Current Penn Undergrads Who Are Engaged Ranked by How Wild It Is to Me That They Did That

Coming in hot at number 4 are Stacey and Jeff. It was not so wild to me that Stacey and Jeff did that.


OP-ED: Yes, Bumble, I Am Buzzworthy, Now Tell That One Guy Who Hasn't Responded in 17 Days

As I carefully scrutinize men's grammar, hairstyles, and mirror pic to non-mirror pic ratio, I receive a Gmail notification and feel a tingle.


OP-ED: Can Campus Apartments Get Me a New Lease on Life?

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew.


OP-ED: Yes, I Have Never Been Single. No, I Did Not Have a Traumatic Childhood

 I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.


OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?

Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.


OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.


OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.


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