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Opinion


OP-ED: I Joined A Sorority For The Sisterhood. Now, I Have Herpes

There are so many things that make being in a sorority amazing: mixers with fraternities across campus, philanthropy events, my new raging case of herpes, and the next three years which I am blessed to spend as an older role model to my future sisters! 


OP-ED: If Spanish Class Was in English I’d Fucking Kill

After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English. 


OP-ED: Yeah, I met a guy this summer. His name is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


OP-ED: The Fastest Way to Remove Plastic from the Oceans Is to Convince Millennials to Eat It

I am a firm believer that millennials can change the world we already have. And by that I of course mean that they can, by 2030, physically consume all of the plastic ever created.  


OP-ED: How Long Is the Drop Period for This Internship?

I just want to know how long I have to keep exploring my options, even though yeah, I know I interned here last summer too.


Op-Ed: I Support Pete Buttigieg, But Can We All Please Just Call Him Booty?

If you just embraced your beautiful, unpronounceable last name by allowing everyone in the United States to mock it, I think your edge would be that much sharper.  


OP-ED: Save the Penn Book Center! (there's, like, a Starbucks in there, right?)

Ooh, do you think they’ll put in another Starbucks where this book place is? I could honestly really use some extra spots to procrastinate and buy coffee before class.  


OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.


OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.


OP-ED: Don't Even Talk to Me Until I've Had My Poppers

I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?


Oh Fuck: Exam Is Cumulative

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 


Incoming Freshman: Take Advantage of Your Peer Advisors Before They Ghost You for the Next Four Years

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 


I Don’t Date Temple Boys Because I’m Scared of Mumps, and Also a Raging Elitist

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.


OP-ED: If My Professor Didn’t Want Me to Fall Asleep, Then Why’d He Turn off All the Lights?

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.


OP-ED: I Don't Support Big Pharma, I Only Support Small, Local, Family Pharmas

I myself have many friends who have fallen victim to horrible addiction and by no fault of their own. No, it is the large, slimy, money-grubbing corporations that are to blame. They are the ones to profit from the addictive nature of the human body, and these corporate pigs care nothing for the individuals that are affected.


OP-ED: Stop Complaining About Your Thesis. Martin Luther Wrote 95, and You Don't Hear Him Bitching

Martin Luther wrote 95 of them and still had the energy, motivation, and balls left over to spearhead the entire Reformation.


Guest Column by College Republicans | Why We Invited the Flayed Corpse of God to Campus

The flayed corpse of God is clearly controversial. For one, does God even have a corpse? 


OP-ED: What If We Kissed in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room?

We could study, but only a little. We’d almost certainly be consumed by our passions.


Take That! My Teachers Never Believed in Me, but I Just Got a Job at WilCaf, so Who's Laughing Now?

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.


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