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My Uncle Tried to Make My Spring Break About Him by Announcing His (Benign) Brain Tumor

Yeah, I obviously feel bad, but seriously Uncle Chris…timing much?

Four Oscar Looks That Blew Me

This year changed the game.

OP-ED: Sorry I Took That $90k. It Went to a Better Cause.

As controversy brews over our handling of Penn Fight Night 2023, my guilty conscience implores me to break my silence. I, Ted Kwee-Bintoro, Vice President for Partnerships, Charity Affairs, and General Malfeasance of the Wharton Graduate Association, spent the missing money. But it went to a good cause: I’m doing a couple fat rails tonight. 

Girl Scouts Cookies? Sorry, I Only Buy From For-Profit Entities

Community Service? No thanks, I prefer community disservice. Next time you offer me a flier or ask me to buy from your bake sale, please don’t! I don’t need your handouts, I’m not a charity. You are!

Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ

Thanks to my once-daily prescription of chewable 80-mg sildenafil from the men’s telehealth provider Himsᵀᴹ, I’m unafraid of “cancel culture.” While others stay soft, I get so hard that I turn blue in the face.

Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study

I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill

Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 

Babe, Come Over! Let's Set Up My Blu-Ray Player and Watch Ramona and Beezus

Not a thing in the world compares to the love of two sisters.

Bugs are just Extra Protein: In Defense of 1920 Commons

If liking Commons is wrong, then I don’t want to be right

4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

We at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play

Girls Gone Wild: The Hunt to Find a Little Begins!

As the hunt for a little begins (game on!), here are some fun activities to do with your new PC to help find your lins’ newest blonde babe

I Promise You in Two Years People Will Pay to Get My Girlfriend’s Roman Nose

When I see a button nose it makes me so ill that I just have to throw up in my mouth.

Mom's Pressed! I Snuck Our Dog, Nae-Nae, Into My Carry-on and Moved Her Into the Dorms

Mother, please. I know you’re upset but I hope you’ll understand.

Damn: Exchange Student in Class Not the Sexy Type of Foreign

She was eating boiled potatoes and some sort of dried fish. Gross. Damn. It was like 10:00am.

UTB's Ins and Outs for 2024

Number 4 Will Shock You

OP-ED: Oh, You Go To School Just Outside of Boston? Like, Tufts?

Boston? Is that in Massachusetts?