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Opinion


DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!


UTB Investigates: How Does Dry Cleaning Work?

I know I’m terribly naive, but doesn’t cleaning need water?


OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?

 I must conquer both my quirky, boyish, relatable self, and my petite, teeny-tiny, hourglass figure.


OP-ED: Twin-XL Beds Perpetuate Unhealthy Barbie-Like Beauty Standards

In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne.


Suck It: The Two Genders Are Slay and Bruh

I am speaking my truth.


OP-ED: Why Don’t We Throw Parties During the Day? Dayparty? Drarty?

Why are we waging war on our circadian rhythm?


If I’m on the Listserv I Can Put It on My Resume, Right?

I look at my resume. Job experience: tennis teacher. Clubs and activities: under the button. Darn it, this won’t get me that internship at Goldman Sachs.


OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.


OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”


Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.


Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 


Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.


OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?


OP-ED: Penn Should Replace the Living World Sector With the FitnessGram PACER Test

Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!


OP-ED: Should Women Go to College?

My mom didn't, so why should I?


OP-ED: It’s Time to Get That Nose Job, Stacey

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?


Editorial: There Is Absolutely Nothing Wrong With Me

I worry that your baby thinks people can’t change. I used to be a slut, bleached blonde hair, tube top, meatball hoagies (toasted) at Wawa… but people can change.


Erm, I Don't Really Care: Sister Showing Me Her Sloppy, Jury-Rigged Dinner Over Video Call

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.


The Boston Tea Party Was Soooo Fucked Up... Can I Come In Now Zetes?

Europeans. Throw. Better. Parties. 


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