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Opinion


QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 


UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.


Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now

I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!


Liberals Use Santa As COVID Propaganda

Santa can't get sick? Well guess what, neither can I! 


How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 


Profs. Encourage Group Work, but Not Collaboration

Have all this group assignments been for nothing? 


Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask

Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.  


Best DIY GF Gift: Letting Her Finish First!

Who said chivalry is dead? 


Warning: Penn Hookup Culture MUCH Different at Home

There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?


A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 


You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 



“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 


Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 



Top 10 Animated Characters That Sexually Awakened You

Even after all these years, you're still so turned on right now, aren't you, you nasty lil' horn dog? 


Breaking: Men Still Not Funny

Their millennia of social and political domination has provided them with everything except a sense of humor.  


Penn’s Right: Online Classes Did Make Me Cheat On My Bf

An hour into my Physics midterm, I found myself in some guy's bed, knowing that I had a week to turn it in.


No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.


Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize

The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.


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