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Opinion


OP-ED: Y'all Wanna Hotbox This Breakout Room?

So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!


Welcome to My Island! A Photo Tour of the 1 Mile Radius Around My House.

Based on my high-tech Fitbit, I can guarantee that I've spent 99.5% of my time within a one-mile radius of my house. Having spent so much time here the past few months, I thought it was fitting to give you a tour of my special little island filled with highlights from my town.


OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively

It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”


Looking Back on 2020: Cats Was an Omen

I began wondering, why are people surprised by the events of 2020? Like Cats was basically the introduction. And no one said anything?


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late I Couldn’t Find the Zoom Link

Hey I’m so sorry can you resend me the zoom link for today? Ugh, I know, I don’t know why I keep losing it. 


Stop Complaining! Online School Means My Mom Packs My Lunch

My mom's lunch ensures that I will get at least two fruits and veggies, a sandwich (PB&J with the crusts cut off), a glass of milk, and two Oreos. With a wide variety of fruits and veggies including carrot sticks, celery sticks, apple slices, pear slices, peach slices, and strawberries, I'm consistently and dare I say eagerly left guessing what's for lunch.


Woke! Penn Students Engage in Mutual Aid by Finally Venmoing Me Back for Brunch

Penn students are coming to terms with what they owe to those around them. Finally taking decisive action, my fellow students have begun redistributing funds back into my Venmo to cover the cost of brunch from last spring. 


OP-ED: It Would Be Really Awesome If They Found a Vaccine

This pandemic has been pretty tough on everyone. For example, the other day I made soup and it took a long time. So frustrating! :/ 


Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.


OP-ED: Stop Reading the Hitler Statue Article

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website.


Sad! Gutmann Unable to Take Pay Cut Due to University Policy

I brought Gutmann's salary up in an email to the Penn administration and they said I was "treading on thin ice and should stop my investigation". I thought that they were just trying to protect their enormous salaries and continued my search. It was then I found the tragic tale of a woman who is force-fed 4 million dollars every year.


Close Call! Good Thing My Girlfriend Goes to Law School in New Jersey

Lucky for me, my girlfriend goes to law school in New Jersey, NOT New York. (She goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her.) I am so thrilled that I will be able to visit her every weekend during the school year. 


OP-ED: The Housing Announcement Isn't Late

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 


Op-Ed: Here's Why I, Eleanor Stalick, am Dropping Out of the Vice Presidential Race

Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?


Op-Ed: Why Freshmen Need a Meal Plan More Than Ever

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 


Where’s Kendall Jenner's Pepsi When We Need It?

Who would have thought that out of all the methods that have been tried to get the attention of officials and calls to reform the police, all it would take is a single can of cold, sugary goodness?


Op-Ed: If Elon Hates Social Distancing So Much, Why Is He Sending People to the ISS?

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 


My Study Abroad Was Great, Thanks for Asking!

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.


Dear Penn: When You're Moving My Stuff, I Also Left a Sweatshirt in DRL Can You Get That?

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.


Goodbye Hot Girl Summer, Hello Pasty Girl Spring

2019 is over. It is time to say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer and hello to Pasty Girl Spring.


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