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Opinion


OP-ED: Maybe You’re The Problem

I slept in the Moelis Family Grand Reading Room, the ATO roof deck, under the button, and the Quad Catacombs.


OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”


Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.


Photo Essay: I Spit on Nature’s Majesty

See this waterfall? It can go fuck itself too. 


Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.


OP-ED: Penn Should Provide Greek Life Members With Security Blankie, Mommy’s Milk

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?


OP-ED: Penn Should Replace the Living World Sector With the FitnessGram PACER Test

Here’s my take on the Living World Sector. We are living. We are in the world. If we wanna live longer in the world, let's do some running!


OP-ED: Should Women Go to College?

My mom didn't, so why should I?


OP-ED: It’s Time to Get That Nose Job, Stacey

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?


Editorial: There Is Absolutely Nothing Wrong With Me

I worry that your baby thinks people can’t change. I used to be a slut, bleached blonde hair, tube top, meatball hoagies (toasted) at Wawa… but people can change.


Erm, I Don't Really Care: Sister Showing Me Her Sloppy, Jury-Rigged Dinner Over Video Call

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.


The Boston Tea Party Was Soooo Fucked Up... Can I Come In Now Zetes?

Europeans. Throw. Better. Parties. 


Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 


OP-ED: I Seem to be Losing my Socks

Most disappeared in pairs, but some particularly cruel socks remained even as their partners left, just to taunt me. There is nothing so horrible as being able to find only one sock out of a pair.


OP-ED: I Dream of A Popular KCECH

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?


OP-ED: Please Don’t Hold the Door for Me I’m Like 30 Feet Away

Every man for themselves…


Good Girl! I Will Give Up My Virginity for Lent

Mother Meresa


Here is Some of Jane Eyre

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.


OP-ED: I Don’t Care That Someone Is Impersonating You on Instagram, and I Will Not Report the Account

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 


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