I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.

I’m gonna ruin your life, motherfucker.

"I AM SLEEPING! COULD YOU PLEASE NOT PLAY THE PIANO WHEN I AM SLEEPING?!" 

Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.

"Hello, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?" Those sacred words made my heart leap. I had been waiting for them all day. 

It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.

So far, I haven't seen any job openings I liked since I started my search 15 minutes ago, but I'm sure something will turn up... 

Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.

Subscribe to HBO Max today for only $14.99 per month!

I think it's fine, so it is. 

The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.

There's still time to string together the one thing that Dad has been hoping for: that idealized fantasy picnic shown during the side effects of every medication ad. 

I know you wanted to go all out for Father's Day, but sometimes you're lazy, broke, or both. What to do? Time to whip out an old reliable: Breakfast in Bed. 

this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it

Drop all your activities. Read The Bible. Download Tinder. Marry Sarwar Shah from the 40th St Halal Truck. Busy yourself with domestic work.