Most Recent

Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"

Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.

Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven

Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.

Breaking: Wilcaf’s Missing Supply of Ice has Been Found in the Silfen Study Center's Vents

Climb into the vents and grab a handful.

Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program

The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for. 

OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties

Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."

Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries

Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon. District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach.

Breaking: Donald Trump Hand Blemish Related to 60-Year Blood Oath with WUFC

Under the Button has obtained exclusive information that Trump’s hand blemish is related to his blood oath with the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC, "Wuu-FF-KK" (/wɪˈfɪc/))

Do I Deserve More or Less? A Reflection on My Penn Experience

Every night before I fall asleep in my high-rise shoebox of a room, I ask myself a question: do I deserve more, or do I deserve less?

My Coming Out: Green Line Turned Me Pansexual

What genre is this? 

OP-ED: The Herzog Housewarming Was Awful

There were people who were enjoying themselves, dancing, and taking photos. What kind of fucked up, twisted party guest would take photos? Have we all lost our minds? I do not take photos. And no one was talking to me either. That was everyone else’s fault for not wanting to interact with me. What an awfully curated party. 

Breaking: Chloe Malle Announced as Editor of American Vogue, Lex Lemer Announced as Editor of Her Own Homework

International Student From Greece Confused and Disappointed Greek Life Tabling Session Had No Feta

Greek lady did not live up to its expect to its expectstions.

Student Staring at Girls in Pottruck Just Anthropology Major

The publication quickly realized that the student's binoculars in-hand and camera roll populated with photos of sweaty girls were not the signs of a pervert but rather just an anthropologist. 

Yes, Tariffs Will Affect Castle Brother's Dues

As usual, economists point out that it is the American consumer–not the PPE major from Zurich–who bears the burden of these policies: tickets to Castle’s Magic Gardens will now include an added “tariff fee."

Penn in Washington Opens New Campus in Spokane

Students interested in the program are encouraged to reach out to their advisors with any questions. Applications for the spring cohort, which will be led by famous Spokane resident and critical race theory professor Rachel Dolezal, open on September 17th and close on September 17th. 

Shocking: Eating a Caprese Sandwich Every Day of the Summer Does THIS to Your Body

While you were sitting in a cubicle this summer, so was I. One fatal difference: I was eating a caprese sandwich.

Last Night Was a Blur - Did I Enter the 9th Circle of Hell or a Penn Frat Party?

I scurry out, alongside two rats.