These two bodacious blonde bombshells and this bitchy gay boy? We're a package deal. Now let us into your All-White Party!

All this time I told myself that I go to the gym as a habit of health — but I was wrong, Ma. I have been deceitful to you, but how could you understand why? Because the thing about beauty is that it’s only beautiful outside of itself.

Also, Amelia called you fat at APES late night

Local man does not keep his word. More at 5.

Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.

We gotta give them something, guys

That's weird: I inserted my “discount code” and the price went up by $5.

Oh my God. It’s happening.

Set to take place the week of May 6 through May 13 in Hill College House, the Freakolympics will pit freshman couples across campus against each other in a weeklong bracket-style competition to determine who can get the freakiest in Penn’s shared spaces and make everyone else the most uncomfortable.

I was the last one called up, and something weird happened: The lights turned off, and a projector turned on. Slowly a curtain opened to a picture of me from 5 years ago. 

What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”

Zete knew this day was coming.

The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.

I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age. 

At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.

I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?

Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!

Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.

Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator.