If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch.

My dad emailed your dad that I was coming here, and he said I should text you. 

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.

His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign.

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?

While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.

After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth. 

Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.

7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram. 

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.

It would be a house just for me and my closest friends. We could hang out every day! It would be so much fun. I don’t say this enough, but I love my friends a lot.

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.