OP-ED: I Didn't Find a Subletter For the Summer and Yes, I Am Giving Up
The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.
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Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without
If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces.
Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers
Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.
Feel Old Yet? Class of 2023 Too Young to Remember Moon Landing
The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.
Controversial New Research Shows Students Perform Better on Tests if They Study More
Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it.
Penn Rowing Team Finally Reaches Shore
At long last, they’ve finally done it.
Dean Furda's Son to "Row Crew" at Penn Next Year
Jimmy can’t wait to graduate from Wharton in 2023 and is thrilled that he is getting into college athletics at such an opportune time.
Jerome Allen Received $300,000 in Bribes, Still Lowest Paid Wharton Grad
Under “gross income,” Allen reported a mere $278,000. According to a representative to the Wharton school, that makes him the lowest paid Wharton graduate “by far,” and that “even the kids who aren’t working for a big three consulting firm are making more bank.”
REPORT: By 2050 Penn to Admit Just 3 Exceptional Robots
Statistics professor Dan Swanson was not shocked to learn that just 7.44% of applicants for the Class of 2023 were admitted to Penn. According to the professor, the number aligns perfectly with his prediction that by 2050, Penn may not even admit a single member of the human species.
Penn Sees Largest Applicant Pool to Date Thanks to 44,960 Naïve Fools in Over Their Heads
Penn has none other to thank than the 44,960 sweet summer children across the world who are sheltered from the harsh cruelties of the real world and think Penn would be the right choice for them. Ha ha ha, I laugh. How verily foolish of them.
If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.
OP-ED: Sorry Class Board Candidates, I’ll Only Vote for You if Your Name is Hot
I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.
Student Spotlight: Short Sleeve Button-Down Shirt Guy
Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.
BREAKING: All the Thoughts You Recorded in Your Notes App Last Night Make No Sense
I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.
OP-ED: The Mouse in My Apartment Doesn’t Pay Rent so I’m Going to Murder Her and Her Entire Family
I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.
How to Avoid Your Childhood Trauma by Developing an Astrology Obsession Instead
While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.
Sophomore Excited to Fake Way through Conversations about Movie 'Us' This Month
Martin is especially looking forward to engaging over the films many themes, which, from the trailer, appear to range from “having a twin” to “definitely race in America.”
PPEN AMDKITS A RECORD LOW 7,.4 PERCENENNT OF APPLICANTNSN OT THE CLASS OF 3202
UTB Staff
Monday, April 1, 2019Mon, Apr 1, 2019
REYFGULAR DIEICIOSNS APPLCIATNSTS TO PENNENE AND OTHER OTHER IVY LEAGEGEGE SCHOOLLSLS CAN VIIEM THEIRR AMDMDISSIION DECIISONS STARTINT THRURSDYA NARCH 28 AT 7 PM EASTERN TIMEM E.
PENENEN UNDRGRYADTED DIDGANOPED WITH MUMSSPS AS OTUBNREAK AT TTMEPLE SGROWS
UTB Staff
Monday, April 1, 2019Mon, Apr 1, 2019
PUHTLIC HELATH OFIFIIALS BELEEVE THA CASESSES AT PEPENE IS UNCCONENNECTED TO THE TEEMEPLE OOTBREK.
