Life Hack: Save on Stress Balls and Pop Your Pimples Instead
Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.
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Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway
Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.
Life Hack: Save on Stress Balls and Pop Your Pimples Instead
Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.
Are You Genuinely Happy or Just a Frat Boy on a Power Trip?
Usually, your attitude toward life fluctuates here and there. Some days are good and hopefully fewer might be not so good. But, are you genuinely happy?
Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway
Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.
Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps
Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.
Study: Marijuana Not Linked to Behavioral Issues, Dad
Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you.
Heartbreaking: New UTB Writer Discovers Nobody Reads Beyond the Headline of Articles
Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week?
Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die
“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."
Report: 97% of SHS Funding Goes to Futuristic Elevators Rather Than Healthcare
It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.
OP-ED: Do You Even Know Who My Father Is? Is He Proud of Me? I Would Really Like To Meet Him Someday?
You must be a freshman because you clearly don’t know who my daddy is. Can you even tell me, idiot? Seriously, bro, you don’t even know?
Self-Care Win! Guy Takes Break from Math Homework and Does Physics Homework Instead
I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.
Rachel Van Pelt Condemns Participants in College Bribery Scandal
1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.
'Never Do Drugs' Say Parents Who Said They Would Never Get Divorced
It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”
Courageous! This Vegan Convert Is Swearing off Man-Meat
A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.
OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework
Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.
“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student
Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.
You're Welcome: Here Are 12 Free Sentences You Can Just Drop Right Into Your Essay
Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.
Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure
The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”
OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets
Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.
Valiant! This Junior Attended Mask and Wig’s “The Book of Mermen” Completely Sober
With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.
Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka
He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds.
