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BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.


In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.


Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here

Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.


Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 


Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.


OP-ED: I Don’t Mind Getting 25% Off This Assignment, My 8th Trip to Spicy Memory This Semester is More Important

Midterms are worth 50% of the overall grade anyways, so all you have to do is sober up by the next one so you don’t sleep through it like you slept through the first two.  


Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date

When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.


Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.


Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 


OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.


Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall

After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.


Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.


Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII

It came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.


OP-ED: Mom, I Swear I Tripped and That's Why There is a Circular Bruise on My Neck

Yes Mom, these bruises on my neck are from when I fell down the stairs of my apartment building.


Holy Shit: Stacy Knows 40% of the Words to SICKO MODE

If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18).


Embarrassing: Penn Is Trying to Pass off a 1998 Dell PC as the ENIAC After Misplacing the Original

The enclosure in Moore where the Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer (ENIAC) is normally on display now contains a late-20th Century Dell desktop computer.


Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

Two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."


Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike.


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