Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.

Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.

Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.

Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.

"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.

How does one identify a hell week if... uhhh... they’re all are kind of terrible?

Embarrassing! Sam Sun’s (C '21) Spotify followers totally saw him bopping to Sheck Wes’s "Mo Bamba" at 10 a.m.! “It helps me wake up,” he protested when asked about these claims.

"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"

Though they agree that Pottruck deserves this honor, Penn students are split on whether the excessive grunting is something to be addressed or celebrated.

When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask.

"I guess I’ll go, but if she wears a sash or posts a photo with those obnoxious balloons, I swear to God..."

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.

Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.

Cars harm the environment and clog up our cities, and it’s high time we do something about that.