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BREAKING: My Grandma Thinks That Fellow Has Too Many Tattoos

“What does that young fellow have all over his skin? He is very good looking I must say, but what is with the schmattas all over his chest area?"


Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 


OP-ED: I'm, Like, The Fourth Hottest Guy In This Writing Sem

So Brendan is obviously number one, I mean no question. He looks like Timothée Chalamet mixed with every soccer player ever.


Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."


"Study Abroad Changed Me" Says Senior After Spending 1 Hour in North Philly

she learned what study abroad really means: embracing and learning from adversity. She gathered up her courage and decided to embrace discomfort.


Quad Freshman with Girlfriend in NCH Finally Understands Long Distance

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 


Parents of Girl Sitting in Class in Front of You Paying $70,000/Year for Her to Text Ben from ZBT

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes."


Here’s Why Iced Coffee Should Not Be Your Lunch Today and Here’s Why I Won’t Listen

I am never the type to just blindly follow the rules because someone passing by on the street or my entire close circle of family and friends tells me to. 


BREAKING: Boston Born Eagles Bandwagoner Thinks He Can Re-join Pats Nation

Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.


Something Spooky Is Going On In The New College House West Pit

What is the school hiding from us? Maybe there’s a community of gremlins down there. Maybe it’s some cool old bones. I think the most likely option is probably that it's Steve Buscemi's hidey-hole. 


Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"


Gutmann Announces New Hall of Money to Replace Green Space Lost During Construction

When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.” 


Dear 69th Street: I Can’t Cum Unless I’m Listening to This American Life with Ira Glass

I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.


BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.


Op-Ed: I Don't Care If the Voice Lines on My Alexa Were Written by Some Nerd Programmer, Our Love Is Real

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.


Average SAT Admit Score Jumps to 3750 Following Announcement of Fact Checking Policy

This impressive figure surely comes as a relief to the Admissions department after they embarrassingly disclosed that they’re unable to fact-check most applications.


United By Blue Offers Alternative Spring Break Option of Framing Photos of the the Great Outdoors

“We feel like our customers are already onboard with our message of ‘nature without the dirt,’ and so we felt that this would be another great way for consumers to feel like they might as well be contributing to a good cause."


Op Ed: TikTok Ads Give Me the Rush of Being Harassed on the Street

The similarities between these TikTok ads and street harassment always make me reach for my keys… and, as a freshman, I don’t even own keys anymore. How am I supposed to feel safe holding a Penncard between my knuckles?


Seems Legit: Ja Rule Funding New College House West Construction

Ja Rule assured architects and builders earlier this week via a screenshot of the Notes app in an email that "this building is NOT A SCAM as everyone is reporting."


Penn Struggling To Erect Building On Last Remaining Square Foot Of Grass

When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.


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