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After Trending #Disneyisoverparty Hashtag, Twitter Successfully Cancels Disney

When I woke up to see #Disneyisoverparty on Twitter, I thought to myself, "No way! Surely it would take more than some angry Twitter users to end a billion-dollar corporation." But this is America, fellas. This, not Disney, is the land where dreams come true. 

Penn Pastor Thrilled That Students Will Have To Leave At Least 6 Feet Of Room for Jesus When Grinding at Frat Parties

The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.

Yale Kicked Out Sophomores for the Fall, Can Penn Kick Out Professors for the Fall?

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”

After News of Princeton's Fall Plan, Students Glad They Were Rejected From Princeton

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.

Student Blows Up Kitchen Performing Virtual Chemistry Lab

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 

Makes Sense! Celebrate Veterans with PTSD by Lighting Off Explosives

"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out." 

Happy Inde-BEN-dance Day! Here's what Ben Would Have Written in the Declaration

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".

Amy Gutmann Accidentally Burns Down College Hall with Illegal Fireworks

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.

Quarantine in Sansom Place West Biggest Deterrent to Catching COVID-19

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”

Op-Ed: Here's Why I, Eleanor Stalick, am Dropping Out of the Vice Presidential Race

Isn't it crazy that Joe Biden and I thought the exact same thing about me not being a VP candidate? Wouldn't Joe Biden and I work so well together? Haha jk... unless?

Op-Ed: Why Freshmen Need a Meal Plan More Than Ever

"Why am I still required to have a meal plan?" is one of the top questions on the Penn Dining FAQ page. Some speculate that Penn just wants to rake in the money, but in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!

Penn Vows to Increase Diversity of Diseases Available to Underclassmen

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?" 

Gutmann Hides 10 Golden Tickets in Penn Sweatshirts to Determine Lucky Few Getting Housing

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."

Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.

Amid Coronavirus, Penn Commits to Providing All Incoming Freshmen with Clinical Depression Come Fall 2020

“After thoughtful deliberation, we came to realize, as a baseline, we could at least provide each incoming student with a deep sense of despair, loneliness, and isolation. This promise is at the core of our fall 2020 plan.”

Introducing Penn Lite for In-Person Fall: All the Tuition With None of the Fun

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 

Latest Survey Finds Penn Students Desperate to Move out of Parents' Basement

For the sake of parents' basements everywhere, Amy Gutmann, if you're reading this, listen to the students' pleas and give us a hybrid experience. We know there's a risk of COVID, but anything's better than another four months at home.

Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 

Student Excited to Pre-Order $500 PS5 So That He Can Beat up Hookers Again in 4K HD Ultra

One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street.