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Sorry I Was Late to Class Professor, My Service Rabbit Laid an Egg and Hatched Babies in My Room

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.


Triple Minority: Brown, Female, and Can Cum!

How exotic! 


I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?


OP-ED: I Did Not Come To Moelis Family Grand Reading Room to Make Friends

When I swipe with three fingers on my trackpad to access all 12 of my desktops (each with a different photo of St Vincent as desktop background), do not come near – the magnificence of it all might frighten you. 


Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?


Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden


Letter From the Editor: Okay but Check This Out

Now, I have a natural aptitude for the athletic — I can do a gorgeous spin, and every day I wake up and perform the ancient practice of dance for at least fifteen minutes.


Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!



Student Appeals Academic Board, Claiming Her Biracial Relationship Satisfies Cross-Cultural Analysis Requirement

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”


OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha

Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.


Editorial: We Are Still in a Pandemic

The thing we have come to know as something as big as life – covid, coveed, the rona, the Kung Flu, Wuhan Virus, however you want to call it – is still there. And guess what? It will never go away


Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation

Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier.


Progress! Only Two (2) Students Sent to Hospital After Commons Dinner This Week

I hope to one day acquire enough power to end the Penn dining plan once and for all. But for now I will eat my La Plancha meal swipe burrito and ponder a better future. 


Guy in Cinema Studies Class Keeps Comparing Everything to Madagascar

Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.


Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?


Heartbreaking: UTB Writer Befriends Fictional Scapegoat Character from Their Articles

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”


Penn to Open Branch Campus in Cancun for Spring Break Classes

Life is full of surprises. But one constant in my life has been seeing sorority sisters and fraternity brothers make their annual migration to the tropics for spring break.


OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style

Can we normalize dressing badly? It's not just a hazing thing. For some of us, it's a lifestyle.


Rerouting The Tri Delta Spring Break Trip: The Girls are Now Going To Rural India!

Travel Update! The sisters of renowned sorority Delta Delta Delta have canceled their Miami plans, opting to visit the town of Kharagpur, West Bengal this March.


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