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OP-ED: When Is It Time for My Suitemates and I to Start Speaking Freely About Pooping? It's Gotta Happen Eventually, Right?

Freshman Fall often lends itself to intimate suitemate bonding — you'll likely see them cry, laugh, and even vomit within the first two days of NSO.


'He Trimmed His Nails Before Fingering Me' And 5 Other Hygienic Reasons Why You Should Cuff

Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.


Bio and Theology Double Major Eats E. Coli Lettuce to ‘Put Natural Selection to the Test’

She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”


Student Calls Penn Walk for Laundry Room Trek Out of Loneliness

For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions.


OP-ED: My Kid’s Not Playing Football. Just Look at Me!

No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.


OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.


SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones

"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."


4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested

Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.


OP-ED: If Penn Isn't Going to Stock Tampons in the Public Bathroom Dispensers, They Should at Least Fill Them With Candy

Let me set the scene: I was zoned out in class when I felt a familiar twinge in my lower abdomen and a warm, sanguine rush beneath me.


'That Wasn't So Bad' and Four Other Idiotic Things People Say Seconds After Failing Their Exams

Ignore that deep gnawing in your soul and plaster a half-hearted smile on that disgusting face of yours as you utter these words to your friends.


Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.


Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.


Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.


Innovative! Huntsman GSRs Turn Into 'Hotel Party,' But Don't Worry, My Wharton Friend Can Get You In

All nine Group Study Rooms were fit with a unique theme: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery — it was quite the hit!


Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.


BREAKING: Local Dog Population Fucking Pissed About This NCH West Business

Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.


Prank Stabbing in Fisher Fine Arts Just Leads to Irritated Shushing Noises

Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.


Doctors Who Did Surgery on a Grape Give Talk at Penn Med

"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."


Student’s Political Ideology Completely Changed After One Conversation With Drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.


OP-ED: Forget 'Hell Week,' It's Just a Hell Semester at This Point

How does one identify a hell week if... uhhh... they’re all are kind of terrible?


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