UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 

On top of being talented in creative writing, Fiona was also exceedingly employable.

Holy life tip: just give up.

Honestly, I feel like the break was a little bit too long if you know what I mean… like for a second there I almost stopped thinking about the ten midterm assignments I have to turn in by Monday.

You must resign and accept the fact that you are here again, and that you are staying here forever. 

It's time to process that year long PTSD! 

The move is severe, but not surprising, as Penn has a long and proud history of being a nerds-first school. 

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 

As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 

When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”