Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 

I have compiled these photos of my European adventure to honor this sacred building in our time of collective grief. 

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.