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Joe Biden Doesn't See Red States and Blue States. He Sees a One State Solution

Biden has famously responded: “Palestinians have to learn to stop viewing their opponents as enemies”, “I love Hamas! I put it on my falafel all the time” and, “Israel? What’s that?”


Op-Ed: Nicki Minaj Deserves A Pulitzer Prize

The fact that Bob Dylan has a Pulitzer Prize and Nicki Minaj does not is utterly reprehensible.


If Everyone Is Beautiful in Their Own Way, Where Are the Ugly People?

I know that ugly people did not just disappear, even if they can trick us by editing their imperfections away using FaceTune.  


Hot Girls Stay Winning! Meet Tropical Storm Theta

 We at UTB have one thing to say to Tropical Storm Theta – yaaaasss and slay!!! 


Quiz: How Many Lectures Have You Watched While Shitting?

Have you shitted while in writing seminar?


REPORT: "Dreams and Nightmares" Heard Blasting Non-Stop From Joe Biden's Delaware Home

Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"


Crazy: Only People Who Finished Their Assigned Readings Can View This Article

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!


Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men

I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 


UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.


Anonymous Poet Wins Professor of the Year Award

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”


Op-Ed: I Got the Best Sleep of My Life in the Pile of Mulch I Booked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I cannot recommend the Four Seasons enough! My only complaint is that there was heavy traffic during our checkout time due to some sort of cult propaganda shoot or something.


Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”


Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  


Blast From the Past: Here Are Four Genuine Smiles From People Who Are Intrinsically Satisfied with Life

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 


Next Edison? Joe Biden Wins Electrical College

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 


Tornado Destroys Philly, Caused By Universal Sigh of Relief

This phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 


Upping the Policy, Penn Will Allow 75 Students on Campus This Spring!

Just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified in the latest email. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 


ACB Not Racist, She Has Haitian Children!

Amy Coney Barrett might hate the gays, but she sure does love minorities! 


His Duty Fulfilled, Alex from Penn Dems Re-enters Hibernatory Cryo-Chamber

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.


Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 


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