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Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting

It really is a dying art.


OP-ED: If I Had Known About Writing Sem I Would've Gone to Cornell

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.


"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.


March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket

He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test. 


This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.


Click-Bait: I Just Described a Penn Student I Saw on Locust! Click to See If It's YOU!

Spruce Street is her refuge, the path for those on this campus who crave a shred of anonymity. Protecting her from the sight of others, her Penn cap says it all: “yes, I’m a low-key bitch. And, you’re also right — I do go to Penn.”


President of Penn Democrats Declares Bid for Presidency, Citing 'Issues' and 'Problems'

His public announcement on Locust — difficult to hear over four adjacent a cappella groups blasting music and selling tickets — was received with moderate enthusiasm by his friends. “We’ve got to fix what’s going on,” he said candidly. “Why is it so hard to get Magic Gardens tickets? I think there’s some conspiracy.”


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


Pathetic! Jessica Says "Thank You" to Professor Who Just Crushed Her Dreams for 50 Minutes Straight

Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.


Editorial: We Live in a Society

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society. 


I May Have Failed Stat 111 Freshman Spring, But I’m Still a Bad Bitch

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.


My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 


Yikes: Britain Just Used Their Last Extension, Next Time They Lose a Letter Grade

It’s only the beginning of April, and Britain has already used all of their extensions for the semester. The next time they fail to meet a deadline, their grade will go down by a full letter grade per late day. 


Amy Gutmann Declares Candidacy for UA Elections

With this bold and unprecedented move, Gutmann has added her name to the list of approximately 1,020 candidates already running for the UA, believing that she “might have a real shot at winning.”


OP-ED: I Didn't Find a Subletter For the Summer and Yes, I Am Giving Up

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.


Penn Transit to Add New PennBus Route Direct to Long Island

Penn Transportation and Parking Services announced yesterday that a PennBus route traveling directly to and from Long Island, New York will be added within the next month.


Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 


Starbucks Under Commons to Stop Bullying Customers

Beginning this week, Starbucks Under Commons will cease directly mocking you by name before you leave the cash register — a policy that had some customers feeling uncomfortable.


Feel Old Yet? Class of 2023 Too Young to Remember Moon Landing

The children of this second age will never know the realities of the first or the pathos of its end. When we greet the University’s two hundred sixty sixth class in the coming fall, we must be mindful of this.


Controversial New Research Shows Students Perform Better on Tests if They Study More

Any amount of studying, the study shows, is likely to produce better results than taking the test without studying. This new information ought to revolutionize the way people prepare for tests, but students aren’t buying it. 


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