You’re horny. Cousin Addie’s horny. Are you two going to help each other out? 

Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."

The chalk teared into the board, revealing a raw, jagged equation.

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 

Maybe Jesus should read the room before making the brash assumption that this day could be Good. It's just rude.

Luckily, I recovered from hand, foot, and mouth disease — but my GPA never will.

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.

Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

5. Playing Monopoly with your family. For those of you who have a family, it might help your mood to dip your toes in our upcoming anarcho-capitalist dystopia by playing some friendly matches of the board game. 

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!

What classes am I in this semester? Asking for a friend. 

I can literally feel my mental health deteriorating,” lamented Jared over a Zoom video interview, as he sat outside by his heated pool. “It’s going to be tough, but if I pull through this semester and pass all my classes, well, I mean, that’s a true testament to the strength of the human will."