I myself have many friends who have fallen victim to horrible addiction and by no fault of their own. No, it is the large, slimy, money-grubbing corporations that are to blame. They are the ones to profit from the addictive nature of the human body, and these corporate pigs care nothing for the individuals that are affected.

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.

In an interview, Fiorentino revealed how she fell from grace to become Penn's most notorious failure. She reported having spent her senior year religiously adhering to astrology, seeking Twitter fame, listening to Elton John's Crocodile Rock on a loop, and contemplating going blonde (even though she tried it in high school once and "it went horribly").

Between his biannual speaking events with Dr. Gutmann and literally nothing else, the former Vice President of the United States will be walking away from a major role at the University as he sets his sights on the Oval Office. 

Martin Luther wrote 95 of them and still had the energy, motivation, and balls left over to spearhead the entire Reformation.

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.

The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools. 

The flayed corpse of God is clearly controversial. For one, does God even have a corpse? 

We could study, but only a little. We’d almost certainly be consumed by our passions.

Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.

I remember my history teacher told me that I wasn’t gonna get into college, my english teacher told me I would never get a job, and my french teacher told me something in French that I couldn’t really understand, but, based off his tone, it seemed like it was mean.

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.

Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet?

Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 

Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.

Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.