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Depressing: "What If?" Grades to Remain Wishful Thinking

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.


How I Blew All $100,000 of My President's Engagement Prize on Luxury Shrimp

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 


Healthy! Freshman Plans to De-stress Over Break and Take 7 Summer Courses

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.


Screw Astronomy! What Does the Black Hole Mean For My Morning Horoscope?

The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?


Is This Self-Care? All Calls to CAPS Hotline Now Redirect to Queer Eye Season 3 on Netflix

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"


Wow! Penn Astronomy Beats Light Pollution, Announces First Ever Picture of Moon

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.


This 16 Year-Old On Tour in his Patagonia Quarter Zip Has It All Figured Out

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.


Tiger Woods Attributes Masters Win to Practice with Pottruck Golf Simulator

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.


Shy Senior Rewards Herself with a Full Day of Rest After Participating in Class

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.


OP-ED: Is My Professor Too Busy to Respond to My Emails or Are They Playing Hard to Get?

So please, start paying attention to me, and fix that exam grade I emailed you about.


Amazing! Birthright Really Convinced Sophie Everything in Israel Is “B'seder”

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 


In Memoriam of Notre Dame: A Photo Essay of My 2011 Trip to Paris

I have compiled these photos of my European adventure to honor this sacred building in our time of collective grief. 


Great: Now Lindsey Has Yet Another Reason to Talk About Her Time Abroad in France

We got the shot with a baguette (and a deliberately suggestive comment about other baguette shaped items), the shot in the Louvre (posing next to a sculpture — she doesn't know which one), and the shot capturing the end of her time there with her making a faux-sad face saying she never wants to leave this “magical place.”


Meet the Man Loudly Revving His Motorcycle Outside Your Window at 11 PM

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?


HeyMySpaceBarIsBrokenCanAnyoneHelpMeWithThis?

TheMinimunWordRequirementWas2000ButMyTotalWordCountWasOnlyOne.


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.


OP-ED: Frontera Should Be Replaced by Another Pret

Listen, I’m not here to convince anyone since no one really agrees with my P.O.V., but, as I am here with a platform that can help aid my personal agendas, I say a second Pret is what this campus needs.


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