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BREAKING: Guy in Class Would Like to Direct Group’s Attention to Another Page

At which point, the entire class shat pants.


Boy Confused Why Scoring Delta Girl Bad

Brad had landed the hottest Delta babe ever.



Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 


Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)

Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.  


I’m On the REES Mailing List Because I Love Deleting Unread Emails

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done. And there is no new thing under the sun.


Op-Ed: Vaccines are in their "Flop" Era

 I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago.


Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States

One of the brains behind the self-checkout cafe in the basement of Van Pelt library will soon advise on some of the most pressing geopolitical matters. 


High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”


Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person

 “Oh no, not this cunt again.” 


Op–Ed: Wanna See My Bruises?

I was already so trashed at that point.


Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.


Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop

Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels. 


1920 Commons to be Renamed 1620 Lords

While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania. 


Dear Penn: Stop Giving Us Tote Bags and Start Giving Us USB Type-A to Mini-B Cables

Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.


Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”


Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them

"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave


Anticipation Turns to Anger as Students Realize In-Person Learning Actually “Worse”

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 


Junior Revisits Thriving At Penn Modules to Figure out Where It All Went Wrong

After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 


Coming Clean! Two-Step Verification Is My Best (And Only) Friend

Alright… maybe our friendship isn’t perfect, but at least I’m not my roommate. She’s best friends with the bot that sends AI pictures of feet. 


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