Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Most Recent

My Affordable Care Act: I’m Offering $2 Good Morning Texts

The States are most United in their shared touch starved-ness: the source of all health woes.

Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

She was colors and light. She was clouds and trees. She was the water my mother drank while we were in her womb. We are twins, could you have guessed?

UTB Guide: How to Wait For Your Friends Outside Harnwell Without Looking Like a Hooker

Read a poem. Write a poem. Make the mistake of starting something new.

School Pride: Everyone Sighs Loudly When High Rise Elevator Stops on 4th Floor

Maybe it was about the friends we made along the way.

All of Human History to Now Be Measured as Before SDT Moms Weekend and After SDT Moms Weekend

Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement.

OP-ED: The Itty Bitty Keypad At Harnwell Seems Rather Bourgeois

Perhaps whatever plastic surgery the keypad of this turnstile got is what fixed all of its problems, and maybe that can be a metaphor for me as well – who will be the plastic surgeon to my heart? 

You Bitch, You! Professor Cancels Class Due to Vague Reasoning, Comes Back with Killer Face Lift

The 75-year-old professor emeritus was repeatedly asked what classes she was taking next semester, mistaken for an undergrad.

Finally: LinkedIn Now Includes Section For Waist Size

I may not know who JP Morgan is but trust me, my size 2 waist is the real investment.

OP-ED: My Name Tent Doesn’t Define Me, My Pensive Sighing Does

The horror, goddam the horror. 

Sheesh: This Homeless Man Just Told You He’ll Also Take Venmo

Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!

Finally! Penn Dems Adds New Affinity Group for Blue-Eyed Blondes

The oppressed majority.

Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman

I mean...what a fucking creep, right?

Penn Global Institute for Human Rights Commissioned to Solve Age-Old Dilemma “Is Squirt Just Pee?”

This inquiry, pitched to the Penn Carey Law Global Institute for Human Rights, required an elite force of thinkers to tackle the case.

Omg, Nooo! Girl Whose Texts I’m Reading in Front of Me Tells Friend This Class Is Boring, Friend Agrees

You are so bored and I know how much you hate that.

Girl in Photography Class Who You Thought Was Cool Shows Pictures from Her Fall Break: Actually Upper-Middle Class and Suburban

Scaaaarsdale. Scarsdalé. Dalé! Like Pitbull! Wow. That’s worldly.

REPORT: Is That a First Date or Is My Crush Just Coffee Chatting That Double D European Chick?

Is he trying to get a referral to work in asset management, or is he trying to manage her assets? 

All Donors Matter: I’m No Longer an Organ Donor Because I Hate Liz Magill

Now, if I die in combat – as I drive my digital billboard truck – there is no way that anyone at Penn or Liz Magill (we’re both Type O) will receive my bleeding heart, my “BRN” eyes, or my fat ass.