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Most Recent


Pritchett Finally Becomes Something Everybody Understands!

I am Interim President. I matter. I am enough.


OP-ED: My Dad Has a Lawyer, but Not in the Same Way Yours Does

Upon reflection, I am proposing that NONE of us talk about our lawyers, that way nobody feels left out. 


BREAKING: Mini Pret to Be Built in Pret Inside Huntsman Hall

Welcome to the future and Vive la France!


Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)


OP-ED: Gays Are in Stem Only Because It’s Like Pills and Potions

I frolic around my lab bench, flirting with other boys and knocking over glassware.


OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.


McClelland Bowls Now Just Rice

If students can shut up and enjoy their rice, then Penn Dining might consider adding lettuce again.


Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard

You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)


Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia

Amidst the week’s geopolitical turmoil, a recent Penn Dems communiqué urged members to center policy discussions around what voters really want: triple masking kindergarteners in perpetuity.


My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up

"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."


Letter From the Editor: I’m a Vibe? What Do You Mean Angel

 My clout got too high! That happens sometimes. Hoes mad! 


Girl With a Kind Face Starts Charging a Therapist’s Fee for Trauma Dumping

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.


Wharton Student Opens Dictionary To Random Page, Discovers “Middle Class” On Page 453

"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”


Boring! Putin Employs Overdone ‘Will They or Won’t They’ Trope in Ukraine

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 


OP-ED: Suck Me Dry See If I Care

Remember, you naked agent of everything. The world didn’t corrupt you; you corrupted the world. And now you are crying? You absolute angel.


BREAKING: People Who Are Trying to Fuck Get Trapped in Elevator

“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.” 


Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?

I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.


Penn to Suspend Campus Operations Until They Get To the Bottom of What’s Going on (Theta Big-Little Week)

An eerie silence has settled over campus as students have returned to their homes to fastidiously monitor the Instagram activities of Kappa Alpha Theta sisters.


Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

Vaping is bad for you.


Philanthropic! Penn Frats to Hold Annual Elephant Walk to Fundraise Local Sanctuary

We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.


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