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Breaking: Pennsylvania to Legalize Marijuana

On April 20, Pennsylvania became the 16th state to legalize recreational marijuana after a years-long campaign to decriminalize the drug. 


University of Pennsylvania Declares April 20th: "Disengagement Day"

With the final Engagement Day having come and gone, and the spring weather being so fucking noice, we are delighted to update you that the University Life and New Student Orientation and Academic Initiatives (NSOAI) has declared Tuesday, April 20th, 2021: Disengagement Day.


Students Kicked from Campus as Penn’s Acceptance Rate Drops into the Negatives

As a result, students will be required to spar the Penn Quaker mascot in a one versus one boxing match in order to determine whether they will remain enrolled.


Freshman With Commitment Issues Skips Advance Registration

Steve isn’t ready for that kind of emotional investment: “Are URBS 078 and I really that tight? I don’t think so.” 


How the Bridge to 1920 Commons Inspired Miley’s Hit Single "The Climb"

Just mere cobblestones away: Commons. 


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.


Soviet-Style Architecture Students Visit 1920 Commons for Inspiration

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.


A Letter of Deepest Gratitude to the One Kid Doing Worse Than Me in Class

I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.


Pie in Center of Graph K=5: How To Conjure a CIS 160 TA

 He had been staring at the same problem for the past 5 hours, but he just could not figure out how many gangsters were expected to get their hat back.  


Student Thrilled to Receive Incomplete On Credit/No Credit Assignment, Will Learn More This Way

While at first, he was angry about his TA's decision to grade a credit/no-credit based on quality, Turner soon saw the light and realized he would get a lot more out of the class if he did an extra assignment to make up for the incomplete. 


Caring Professor Announces Final Will Be Called "Midterm" to Relieve Stress

Exams are upon us and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous Professor, Physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students.


Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.


Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.


It’s Time Someone Colonized This Little Brown Girl

Good dick is good dick.


Leaked! Diet Coke Found As the Main Ingredient in COVID Vaccine

Does this come with any long term side effects you should be worried about? No, just don’t think that hard about it.  


BREAKING: I Love to Get 2 On

Make no mistake: I love to get on to begin with. The mere act of getting 1 on is already heaven to me. So you can imagine the elation of getting 2 on. 


Amy Gutmann Caught Red Handed Stealing Spit From COVID Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

At her investor meeting, she pitched a business plan proposal involving stealing spit from Covid tests to DNA clone students into designer Ivy League babies.


OP-ED: Penn Students, Eat More Poke Bowls

Hundreds if not thousands of students pass through Penn without once experiencing the wonder that is the poke bowl at Bento. No wonder people are so glum here.  


Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.


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