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Invasive Species Alert: Please Kill Anyone You See Biking on the Sidewalk

The sidewalk biker is especially devastating to urban areas, disrupting pedestrian flow and increasing the risk of getting your foot run over on the way to class.


Oh Boy! Nick the Librarian Is Coming to Class to Teach Me Primary Sources Again

Every professor tells me the same thing about you Nick, that you’re a “great resource when writing a paper,” but let’s be real, when it’s down to the wire, I’m going on funfactz.com/great-depression to write my paper not Articles+ on Franklin.


Deborah Feeling Real Fucking Cocky After Calling her Congressman

Deborah is basically the only person who has ever called her Congressman.


Confident! Senior Reserves Hotel Room for Future Son's 2041 graduation

Every year, parents struggle to find accommodations near campus during graduation season. When Bob Mallow (N ‘20) learned that his parents would be Skyping in on his big day, he knew things needed to change.


Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.


Insane Willpower: Guy Walks Past DRL Hallway Mirrors Without Stopping to Check Himself Out

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.


So Do We Just Steal from Mark's Cafe Now?

Why in the world would I not just grab my Sushi and Red Bull and walk away?


OP-ED: CVS on Walnut and 40th Is My Safe Space

No other CVS compares, and I’ve tried dozens. The CVS near Franklin’s Table is cold and unfeeling; the aisles stretch infinitely backward, the shelves are higher and menacing, the granola bar selection is subpar at best, seriously lacking in mint chip Cliff bars at worst.


Photo Essay: These Are All the Places on Campus I Would Kiss My Girlfriend If I Had One

I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already.


Freshman Celebrates 3 Birthdays, Graduation Before Her Wawa Mac and Cheese Is Ready

To Brightson, the minutes stretched on like eternities. After ten of them, she started getting sober. After 20, she was painfully sober. After 30, she wondered if she had made a mistake. At the 45 minute mark, Brightson fully gave in, returned home, and collapsed into her bed.


Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s

Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word.


OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker

UTB, I'll miss you. Seth Fein, I love you.


Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.


Student in Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters Is a Human Disaster

Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.


Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?


Williams Hall Ranked Safest Building on Campus

In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings. 


OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.


UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.


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