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Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 



Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.



OP-ED: My Ethnic Nose is Carrying This Diversity Initiative

Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.


I Lived It: My Roommate Boiled Her Menstrual Cup in My Electric Kettle

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few pairs of Thinx period panties in my drawer, but this was too far.


Counterpoints: "Penn Must Contend with its Complicated Legacy of Displacement" vs. "Sucks to Suck, That's the Free Market"

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 


10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian

I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least. 


What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.


Victory! Company Gentrifying McDonald’s Is Owned by Women and Minority

“Who gives a fuck?” responded one West Philly resident interviewed by UTB. Future investigative work will be needed to determine why West Philly is so ungrateful.


Tsk Tsk! Girl Wears Dr. Martens Without Platforms

Is this what the democratic ideals of our nation have led to?


Startup Ambassadors Ditch Insomnia Cookies, Now Offer Toothy, Egregious Head if You Download Their App

Nearly 3000 of my current suitors flocked to witness me; I felt like that girl who sings a lot in Les Mis (I have never seen this movie).


Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot

Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond?


Report: Desserts Such as Bread Pudding

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.


BREAKING! Alum Abruptly Leaves Homecoming Darty to Take a "Work Call," Makes Sure You Know This

Like waaaaaatch me leave this freaking darty luv


Dude Who Is Already A Fifth-Year Senior Can't Wait For Homecoming Next Year

"Don't worry brother, you're definitely gonna catch me on campus next year,"


OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die

That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????.


OP-ED: If Low Rise Is Trendy Then Why Am I on the 24th Floor of Rodin?

How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment? 


One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 


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