BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably
In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.
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Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked
While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor.
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably
In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.
New Report Finds Prof. Warren Ewens Was Benjamin Franklin's First Hire
We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt.
Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked
While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor.
Following NCAA Sanctions, Men’s Basketball Must Now Play Wearing Roller Skates
“Some of these guys have never roller skated before. We’ll have to start from the basics: cones, training wheels — hell, I may roll behind some of them holding their hips during games.”
Erika James, Newly-appointed Wharton Dean, Already Rejected From 6 Wharton Clubs
Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, James has faced a similar fate to countless applicants before her: cold rejection.
Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them
Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.
Student Graduates With Penn GPA 2.7, Sims 4 University of Britechester GPA 4.0
"I'm really setting myself up well for a high-paying critic career or maybe even one as a style influencer."
BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny
It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.
Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot
You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.
Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary
“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”
Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious
Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.
Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge
Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch.
OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?
While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas.
OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back
I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.
OP-ED: I’ve Been Trapped in Fisher-Bennett Hall for 56 Years. Please Let Me Out.
I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.
Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening
You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.
"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents
4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"
OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning
Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now.
No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House
“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."
Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle
Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!
