According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received.

In a school often singularly focused on chasing prestigious internships and post-graduate job offers, a club providing an avenue for students to let loose with some harmless fun is definitely a breath of fresh air. 

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 

Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again.

Above all for existentialists like Jean-Paul Sartre and Albert Camus, the death of God caused extreme anxiety in the hearts of Europeans.

If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom. 

 “We have spent years refining our mixture, experimenting by adding ingredients to our floorboards,” said Chad Dang, the leader of the Omega Tau human glue-trap project.  The ingredients of their formula purportedly include many different types of alcohol, sugar, cocaine, human secretions, and other substances. 

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

Canada Goose hopes this will contribute to both stopping climate change and the bad press from PETA. 

A young fundraising entrepreneur has taken to Locust Walk in order to raise money to cure his coronavirus.

Slowly, over time, have your parents stopped saying your name and started calling you by generic names like “champ”, “kiddo”, “disappointment”, or “buddy”? 

“To all those near and dear to me, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be engaging with you physically, socially, or emotionally. From this day forward, I plan to eat, sleep, and breathe music — my music. That I am making. I am making music,” Sampson wrote in a recent Instagram post.

Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.

Although a registered Democrat, Scrabis did not vote in the 2016 election. “I'm still on the fence," Scrabis said. "I've seen 47 Bloomberg ads, but I think I really need one more to convince me.” 

“Now that’s chutzpah,” Dr. Rabinowitz concluded. “And kid, you won’t get nowhere if you don’t got chutzpah.”

After biking to Di Bruno Bros on a fancy bike, François, whose superiority over American bikes you cannot even begin to comprehend, walked in and began the selection process for the most cultured yogurts money could buy. François carefully weighed each Chobani and Siggi’s in his hands, knocking to check for ripeness and smelling to test for… aroma. You wouldn’t understand.

As your hand glides ever so sensually along the Huntsman staircase railing, you can practically hear your name being announced, the applause, the oohs and ahs.

The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense. 

I’ve been here before. I know it — it’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake. The gentle lapping of waves. The buzz of the fluorescent lights. The chlorinated burn. The never ending drip...

Frank discussion is the first step toward genuine understanding, and I know that we are collectively baffled by the choice of light fixture in the glass-enclosed lobby of the local pizza joint.