Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
News
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven
Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties
Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."
Breaking: Acme Shelves Empty After People Buy Groceries
Acme Supermarket’s University City location was left devastated after an average flow of grocery shoppers on Wednesday afternoon. District Manager Kristen Lewis condemned what she called “an appalling display of greed,” citing customers who dared to purchase eggs, cereal, and even a single bag of spinach.
“I Gave My Girlfriend Her First STD” and Other Top Five Things to Bring Up at Your Next Consulting Club Coffee Chat
Make sure your coffee-chatter doesn't immediately regret meeting you.
Your Housewarming Sucked So I Turned On All Your Gas Burners and Left
Why the fuck were your overhead lights on?
Thousands Gather to Mourn 16-year Anniversary of Main Line Teen Disappearance
Alison DiLaurentis - "She's gone but she's everywhere"
Guest Essay: My Visit to Pottruck Student Fitness Center by Ocean Vuong
All this time I told myself that I go to the gym as a habit of health — but I was wrong, Ma. I have been deceitful to you, but how could you understand why? Because the thing about beauty is that it’s only beautiful outside of itself.
BREAKING: Ashley, Maya Is Planning on Asking Drew to Tri Delta Date Night Too
Also, Amelia called you fat at APES late night
BREAKING: Penn Situationship Responds He Not Looking For Anything Serious After You Ask For, Like, Basic Reciprocity Even Though He Said Last Week What You Two Had Was Special
Local man does not keep his word. More at 5.
BREAKING: Entrepreneur Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) Adds Fuel to Former President and 1968 Wharton Graduate Donald Trump’s Comment on Former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden’s Housing of Classified Documents at the Penn Biden Center (Penn)
Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.
I Lived It: I Used My SDT Code to Buy Pool Party Tickets and It Made the Price More Expensive
That's weird: I inserted my “discount code” and the price went up by $5.
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Zete knew this day was coming.
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day
I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?
You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale
Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!
Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore
Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.
Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location
Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator.
