please

Although the portrait of the Meiklejohns can be offputting, UTB assures you that they’re pretty chill once you get to know them. 

This little guy's been with her through thick and thin. And, he has the scars to prove it: a small tear from years of loving hugs, a scratched glass-eye from falling out the car window on a family road-trip, and now, a crusty patch of fur from Amanda’s recent situationship.

They will tell their bouncer to kindly inform all attendees that a “special guest” may be showing up.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m not longer shocked and appalled by it.

Under the Button would like to distance itself from any alleged associations with the Daily Pennsylvanian at this time.

Why tf are acronyms so difficult at Penn??   

Eat, drink, and be merry!

The idea has received 'glowing' reviews.

My Bubbe always told me to reach for the stars.

You found him the next week alone in his dorm with his eyes watering, staring at a picture of his best friend Richard Mater (C ’27), asking himself if it was casual now.

But, please, for the love of God. Just stop liking Keith McNally’s Instagram posts…

If a tree falls in the forest, but I am wearing noise-canceling headphones, does it make a sound?

“They’re gonna quit any day now,” said close friend Rick Flamenco, who always carries a Geek Bar set to burst mode on him, giving it during parties out to whoever asks. “I mean it’s not like any of us are addicted.”

I swear these are all genuinely overheard.

Submerging my body into that blue neon abyss was like reaching nirvana.

When we decided to conduct a mock Epstein trial, we knew that we needed someone who committed the same exact crimes as Jeffrey, down to the smallest, most minute detail.

The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."

Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.

The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.