News


Junior’s Break Spent Sliding Down Rabbit Hole of “My 600 Pound Life” Testimonials

Before I knew it, it was 3am on the last day of break, and I was waiting with bated breath to see if Jerry would get approved for skin removal surgery. 


Huntsman Hall’s Chode-Like Appearance ‘Not Entirely Incidental,’ Admits Architect

It is a shape that inspires confidence, strength, and power. I am certain that the external design of the building reflects accurately the people within.


BREAKING: Flu Epidemic On The Rise As Freshmen Rushes Can't Stop Kissing Ass

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students.


Wildly Creative Student to Caption New Year’s Insta With '2018: thank u, next'

College senior Andrew Caplan is ready to say hello to 2019 and never look back.


You're a Mean One, Mr. CITsender

You're as slimy as snake, I see your name and shriek, Mr. CITsender


Freshman Looking for the Perelman Quadrangle Ends Up in Princeton, New Jersey

Although the donation was well-intentioned, a great number of Penn students feel cheated by the once loyal graduate. Chief among these students are freshman who “just wanted Insomnia.”


Course Evaluations from 2005 Almost Fully Reviewed, Changes Incoming

According to this statement, the roughly 40,000 evaluations were assigned to Steven Fitzgerald, a former student intern at Penn’s Center for Teaching and Learning. 


Breaking: Sarah Doesn't Know Anyone At This Formal Except For Her Date (But Just Barely)

The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days. 


Look at Her Go! This Wharton Freshman Is Taking Five Credits Next Semester

Wintman feels that people tend to put her in a box: they assume she will not take an intense workload due to her calm personality. However, when she was registering for classes this semester, she decided to break that mold.


Student in 12 Performance Groups Confused About Where All Her Time Went

According to her fellow classmates, Walkerton counts down to the end of each rehearsal, leaving at that exact time in order to make the different, and often overlapping, time requirements of her different arts groups.


E.D. Admitted Students Excited to Share That 'Yes, Penn Was my First Choice, and Not Because my College Counselor Said I Wouldn't Get into Princeton’

Sarah Rosen, a student admitted from Farmingdale High School, shared with UTB: “Yes, I’m incredibly excited to join the Quaker family! There’s not one other community I’d rather be a part of!


I Love It by Kanye West Ranked #1 Song at This Party We Should All Discuss the Gendered Implications of Right Now on This Dance Floor

“I just want to pause the music for just like two seconds and break it all down. Like, ‘hey friends, what’s happening here.’”


Fossil Free Penn Demands Santa Divest from Coal

“For too long we've allowed Santa to be the most vocal spokesperson for fossil fuels,” yelled College junior Caroline Erickson at a sit-in protest.


Wow! This Formal DJ Used Transitions Between Songs

Somehow, it was almost like two songs were being played at once. And granted, it didn’t sound great. The keys of the two songs didn’t quite mesh well, but goddamnit Liza was just so darned amazed that there were two songs mixed together that she couldn’t care less.


Touching! Cryptic, Oddly Threatening Flyer Posted on Locust Brightens Freshman's Day

New posters have cropped up since the initial one, but lately the messages have switched from being oddly threatening to just flat out aggressive.


Innovative! Unconnected Freshman Checks Snap Map for Tonight's Moves

Priscilla Wang (W ’22), or "the ultimate plug" as she's referred to by her friends, always pulls through with the moves.


A Cappella Group Finally Releases 2006 Spring Show Recording

On Friday, Penn’s premiere alt-jazz indie-hop scat-bop k-pop a cappella group Kite and Off-Key stirred up the campus music scene with the release of the recording of their 2006 spring show, Pluton’t You Wanna Make Some Music With Us.


Verdict Is In: No Way to Look Cool Carrying an &Pizza Box

There are a variety of techniques you can use to transport your &Pizza box to its final destination. Each method comes with its own pros and cons — none will be cool.


Students Install Giant White Sneaker on Ben Franklin Bench to Represent White Sneakers at Penn

The three fine arts students created the installation for a final project in hopes of raising awareness that the majority of Penn students have incredibly basic shoe game. 


Forget Puppies: Penn Saves Big Money by Hiring Therapy Cockroaches for Finals Week

Instead of providing hairy, mangy pups with slobbery mouths, the College has instead decided to invest in a far more adorable critter: the cockroach.


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