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News


Feminist of the Week! Frat Brother Pours Me Water Instead of Spiking My Drink

Meet the man who is single-handedly reversing gender roles and saving damsels in distress.


OP-ED: I Am “Normalizing” My ADHD by Using It as an Excuse to Get Out of Things

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”


Girl With Main Character Complex Finds Her Coming of Age Story Has Lots of Aging, Not Enough Coming

After binge watching all the Timothée Chalamet movies that she could get her pissy, grubby little paws on, she developed an unfortunate main character complex. 


BREAKING: Your Dad Outed You to Your Grandparents Because ”You Were Taking Too Long"

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.


Girl Who Bikes Wants You to Know She Bikes

If I am being honest, I would rather eat nails and shit them out one by one than walk.


BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.


Philly Ranked #1 City for Metallic Clanking and Grinding Noises at 3 A.M.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”


Breaking: Your Friend Who Keeps Saying “Everyone Needs Therapy” Really Has to Go to Therapy

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."


Uh Oh: Increasing Number of Student Essays Include the Phrase “All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy”

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”


Breaking: Penn Has a Football Team

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 


BREAKING: The Worst Person You Know Responded “Maybe” to Facebook Event

Since this person’s RSVP, the fraternity that is throwing the downtown as well as the mass that will be in attendance have been awaiting the final decision as to whether he will deign to grace the venue in bated breath. 


Oh Shit: Other People Can See These?

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.


Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”


Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 


Weingarten to Provide Disability Accommodations for Students With Restless Leg Syndrome

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.


Annoying! Free Club Flyer Also Has Water Bottle Attached

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 


Witchcraft! Roommate Brews Potion by Letting Pot Sit On Stove for a Week

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef


Early And Often! How I Voted Nine Times Before 5 AM

 4:31am: Wrote in Pete Buttigieg for every position. He’s bound to get one of them.


Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.


Penn To 'Seriously Consider' Housing Students

We just haven’t decided yet. There are pros and cons to providing affordable housing, but mostly cons :( We also have no idea where we would make up the $2 million deficit in our $3.7 billion annual budget.


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