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The Penn Band Presents New Field Show: You Can Run but You Can't Hide

Members of the band hope that the title communicates their relentless pursuit to convince their peers to join their cult. 

Becka's Dressed as a Spotted Lantern Fly for Halloween, Now Has an Excuse to Get Totally Smashed

Spotted lanternflies. They are invasive. We all agree that anyone who hasn’t smashed at least 10,000 of those nasty little fucks by now hates the environment, the University of Pennsylvania, and these good United States of America.

How to Recover After You're Forced to Be the Slutty Pony for the Group Halloween Costume

Early in the October season, Wulsh had agreed to go in on a group Halloween costume along with her five housemates, who live together in a residence lovingly known as “The Farm.” The housemates agreed that a barnyard theme was "clearly the move." 

Friend Group of Three Torn Apart by Duos

“We didn’t want to do it,” Wilson continued. “It’s just that I wanted to be Serena van der Woodsen and Farah wanted to be Blair Waldorf and...and Raquel’s a redhead. Who was she supposed to be? That random Southern heiress from season three? No, it’s called Duos for a reason.” 

Student Trying to Pick up New Skills Now Mediocre at Everything

Over the last few months, Merling reported that he had attempted a wide variety of new hobbies, ranging from zip-lining to bowling. “Nothing really stuck,” he sighed, “and now I’m broke.”

Jaded Sophomore Distances Himself from 'Freshman Experience' Only Five Months After His Ended

Despite coming from a privileged background which allowed him to attend an Ivy League university, it seems that all Brown can offer in conversation is a mind-numbingly long list of complaints about his freshman year at Penn.

Bernie Sanders' Heart Attack Leaves Only 2 Horcruxes Left

His campaign went on to explain that Senator Sanders still has two Horcruxes remaining.

Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year

Cara Poole, a resident at 48th and Baltimore, wrote: "My eight-year-old daughter came home from trick-or-treating with her friends looking pale, clutching her stomach, and saying she wanted to switch into Wharton to study accounting because she'll never get a job if she puts too much faith and effort into her art.

Accidentally Called Your Teacher Mom? Now She Gets To Spank You

You asked for this after all. Who’s your mommy. 

Bethany Bought String Lights and Miniature Clothespins, Forgot to Buy Pictures of Her with Her Friends

Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins.

Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.

Kind of Weird: Freshman Already Knows He Wants to Be a Urologist

Last Thursday night, in a discussion about plans for the future among his hall, Perry Yates (C ’23) of Dayton, Ohio confidently declared that he was pursuing a career in urology. Other students expressed interest in finance or social work, but Yates seemed to be dead set on urology. Hm. Kind of weird.

Feminist Hero? This Man Just Said his Female Classmate had 'A Good Point'

“I just wanted her to know I heard what she said, and I was impressed,” Mora said.

Correction: HamCo Actually Short for Ham Company

This embarrassing correction was made in an emergency statement issued by the building manager, Jebediah Ham, late last night. Ham shared some passionate words with UTB reporters on the scene. “My father, Lawrence Wyatt Ham IV, did not construct this building with his own two hands for ungrateful college students to refer to it as ‘Hamilton Court.’ Us Hams are proud folk, and we simply will not tolerate this widespread misconception.”

Career Services Tells Student to Take Karate off Resume, Gets Roundhouse Kicked to Face

“I have no regrets about my course of action,” Daniel told UTB. “I know my sensei would be really proud of me.” 

Oof, This Confused Freshman Thinks Bowl is a Kazoo

The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”

Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.

An Interview with the Sexiest Under the Button Writer

Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Pamela De La Cruz replied to requests for interview ecstatically. 

Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop

However, have you ever considered that CNN only gives candidates commercial breaks so that they can go poop? 

New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”