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News


Report: HSOC Major up to Pack of Cigs a Week

When asked to explain why she smokes cigarettes despite concentrating in Public Health, Jameson was quick to explain it was only to keep from hitting her Juul.


No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."


Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!


Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 


Pennsylvania to Go Red After International Student Gets His U.S. Citizenship

Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for  citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!


Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.


Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”


On-Campus SHS Location Will Replace Bobby's Burger Palace

According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."


Wow, This Sophomore Got Altitude Sickness From His Elevated Self-Worth

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 


Breaking: Calling Pete Buttigieg a Rat Is Both Good and Cool

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.


“Hey Slut! Want A Free IUD?” Penn Medicine Pilots New Targeted Ads

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.


Frank Ocean to Headline Spring Fling — Just Kidding, It’s Camila Cabello :(

The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!


Soy Boy Alert! Soy Milk Revealed to Be a Factor in Debilitating Homosexuality Epidemic

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”


Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 


BREAKING: Fro Gro Closure Actually an Elaborate Heist to Promote New Trader Joe's Shuttle

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.


Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.


Sophomore to Study Abroad in Quahog, Rhode Island

“It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV,” said Wharton sophomore Roger Smith about his decision to study abroad in the small New England town of Quahog, Rhode Island.


Can You Guess the Campus Building Based on My Bad Drawing of It?

See if you can identify each of these campus structures based on my fine arts degree worthy drawing of it. Slide the slider back and forth over each picture to reveal the answer!


Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package

"FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this."


Frat Brothers Throw Epic Epidemic-Themed Downtown

Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive” 


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