Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 

“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 

Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"  

“Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this very seriously, but we also really want to open because we are committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall.”

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 

So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot. 

“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.

Penn, like many other universities, has yet to announce its four-months-away response to the rapidly evolving pandemic with new information daily. Despite this, Penn Dean of Admissions, Eric “swearing at the Eagles” Furda (C '87) sent an email to international students this past week promoting gap year options “just so they know they are there.”

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.

They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.”

Some people in various states around the country were like, this quarantine thing sucks. I want to be able to buy grass seed and go to my third home. I miss the everyday freedoms like yelling offensive things at women on the street. And we all get it — every one of us misses those things too.

After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!"  

“I’m 100% done with this,” says Genevieve, whose family is in the 1%. 

The black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition.