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60m Sprint World Record Broken by Student Running to Catch Williams Door

Lindsay reportedly blasted by bewildered onlookers, covering 60 meters in just around five seconds. Not only was she able to successfully grab the door before it closed, but also she also happened to break the outstanding world record for the 60-meter dash: 6.34 seconds.


Influencer Barters down Price at Saxby’s Claiming “Mutually Beneficial Partnership”

With close to 4K followers on Instagram and a regularly updated blog, Edelstein finds it in the best interest of her proprietors to discount her purchases.


Rebecca Reporting She’s Actually Pretty Gone Right Now

That night, there were no rules — within reason. She was going to get wild — but a firm line was going to be drawn well before cocaine. She would take no bullshit — unless the bouncer at smokes said she was not, in fact, 23, in which case she would respectfully take her face glitter and ID and walk away.


Hall Lounge is Really Just “My Roommate is Fucking” Lounge

“I just want to sleep,” another student complains, “but it seems like my roommate has other plans.”


Anti-Social Shoppers Brawl over CVS Self-Checkout Lanes

Battle cries are screeched at top volume, such as “This. Is. CVSS!!!” or “If you have your extra care card please scan it now!!!” 


Eagle Scout Loses Entire Moral Compass After Freshman Year

"A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent." These are the words Cody Gupta (C ‘22) swore to adhere to as he received his Eagle Scout rank that fateful day in 12th grade.


White Guy Really Leaning into Spanish Pronunciation of 'Quesadilla'

Avid MexiCali fan and Wharton senior Connor Milliken was overheard today ordering lunch from the local food truck, and boy did he really lean into a Spanish pronunciation of “quesadilla.” Witnesses report that he did “some kind of accent,” which one onlooker described as “hard to place, but definitely not cool.” 


The Penn Band Presents New Field Show: You Can Run but You Can't Hide

Members of the band hope that the title communicates their relentless pursuit to convince their peers to join their cult. 


Becka's Dressed as a Spotted Lantern Fly for Halloween, Now Has an Excuse to Get Totally Smashed

Spotted lanternflies. They are invasive. We all agree that anyone who hasn’t smashed at least 10,000 of those nasty little fucks by now hates the environment, the University of Pennsylvania, and these good United States of America.


How to Recover After You're Forced to Be the Slutty Pony for the Group Halloween Costume

Early in the October season, Wulsh had agreed to go in on a group Halloween costume along with her five housemates, who live together in a residence lovingly known as “The Farm.” The housemates agreed that a barnyard theme was "clearly the move." 


Friend Group of Three Torn Apart by Duos

“We didn’t want to do it,” Wilson continued. “It’s just that I wanted to be Serena van der Woodsen and Farah wanted to be Blair Waldorf and...and Raquel’s a redhead. Who was she supposed to be? That random Southern heiress from season three? No, it’s called Duos for a reason.” 


Student Trying to Pick up New Skills Now Mediocre at Everything

Over the last few months, Merling reported that he had attempted a wide variety of new hobbies, ranging from zip-lining to bowling. “Nothing really stuck,” he sighed, “and now I’m broke.”


Jaded Sophomore Distances Himself from 'Freshman Experience' Only Five Months After His Ended

Despite coming from a privileged background which allowed him to attend an Ivy League university, it seems that all Brown can offer in conversation is a mind-numbingly long list of complaints about his freshman year at Penn.


Bernie Sanders' Heart Attack Leaves Only 2 Horcruxes Left

His campaign went on to explain that Senator Sanders still has two Horcruxes remaining.


Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year

Cara Poole, a resident at 48th and Baltimore, wrote: "My eight-year-old daughter came home from trick-or-treating with her friends looking pale, clutching her stomach, and saying she wanted to switch into Wharton to study accounting because she'll never get a job if she puts too much faith and effort into her art.


Accidentally Called Your Teacher Mom? Now She Gets To Spank You

You asked for this after all. Who’s your mommy. 


Bethany Bought String Lights and Miniature Clothespins, Forgot to Buy Pictures of Her with Her Friends

Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins.


Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.


Kind of Weird: Freshman Already Knows He Wants to Be a Urologist

Last Thursday night, in a discussion about plans for the future among his hall, Perry Yates (C ’23) of Dayton, Ohio confidently declared that he was pursuing a career in urology. Other students expressed interest in finance or social work, but Yates seemed to be dead set on urology. Hm. Kind of weird.


Feminist Hero? This Man Just Said his Female Classmate had 'A Good Point'

“I just wanted her to know I heard what she said, and I was impressed,” Mora said.


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