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News


TA's Scholarly Work in Urban Housing Serving Her Well as Glorified 'Apple Genius' For Elderly Professor

Fernandez has been able to apply her 280-page dissertation by turning on the projector, connecting laptops to the projector, and explaining other details of the projector to Professor Thompson.


Amy Gutmann Diagnosed With Rare Medical Condition: Can Only Read Change.org Petitions

Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


The Louvre Didn't Burn Down, but This Is the Picture I Would Post If It Did

The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.


COVID-19 Now Almost As Bad As The Spotted Lanternfly Epidemic

"My entire family perished in the Great Lanternfly Epidemic of 2019," reported one sad, elderly lanternfly, found preaching on 34th and Walnut — probably named Buggy or something. "Thousands. Gone in a matter of months. Our hospitals were over capacity... our leaders refused to acknowledge the problem until it was too late."


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann to AirDrop Diplomas to Graduating Seniors

With rightful concern about spreading the coronavirus, a sincere handshake is a little too much personal contact. AirDrop is a much safer way to share the accomplishments of our graduating class without sharing germs. 


Online Classes Huge Victory for Anti-Pants Community

Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.


Help! Wendell Pritchett Just Broke Into My Apartment and Started Boxing Up My Stuff

He refused to tell me how he even entered my apartment and just told me that I need to "get the fuck out of here right now".


Faithful! For Lent, Susie Is Giving Up

Susie details her plan to “give up” as sitting in her room in bed until Easter, eating ramen, watching Netflix, and crying.


Local 14 Year Old Feels Validated Knowing God Also Plays Pandemic 2

The game has 16 million plays and its user approval rating is 98%. Said Richie, “Of course God plays Pandemic 2. He basically crafted it himself.” 


Seniors Return as Senior Citizens to Be Honored With Commencement Ceremony

Please save the date! We hope to see you for the class of 2020 Commencement Ceremony at the Amy Gutmann field house on May 17th, 2075!


“SEPTA is Not Bad,” Says Student Who Can't Leave Philly

While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.


Embarrassing: Student Tries to Submit Question on Pizza

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.


Penn Closes in Solidarity With Fro Gro

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense.


No Hand Sanitizer, No Problem: Dave Just Stocked up on Dove for Men 3 in 1

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”


Dedicated! This Student Has Been Socially Distancing Herself From Hometown Friends Since High School

Under the Button reached out to every single one of Greenfield’s high school friends, and was able to get in contact with all both.


Penn to Administer All Spring Exams Through Kahoot

Answer choices include the red triangle, blue diamond, yellow circle, and green square.


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