Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready. 

“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.” 

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.” 

Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.

Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."

"These women are literally setting the planet on fire with their confidence. Is this really a fire we want to put out?" 

I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman without putting his hand on her lower back.

 "So basically," explained Braden, "I'm baby." 

In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity. 

Luckily, the noticing of his shadow coincided with Intern Day at his summer gig. Every year on Intern Day, the mayor comes in to mentor the new batch of interns, while hopefully not dropping them in the process. 

Imagine if we could pop in to ARCH and grab a delicious cheeseburger on our way to class. Maybe an Animal-Style 4-by-4 if we're feeling hungry, or a protein-style grilled cheese for the calorie-conscious. 

"We do not believe that Wax's opinions exceed our threshold for racist beliefs held and expressed publicly by faculty," the Administration stated.

Current U.S. President Donald Trump and tenured Penn Law Professor Amy Wax are neck-and-neck in their years long battle for most shameful public figure associated with the University of Pennsylvania. 

“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."

 "Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe. 

Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time. 

“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.” 

“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."

"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.”