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News


Is He Cute or Is He The Only Liberal Boy in a 20-Mile Radius?

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 


Something Will Happen If I Keep Banging My Head On The Table

They say in every block of granite there's a sculpture, I can really feel the table bring the sculpture in me out.


City of Philadelphia to Dispatch Gritties to Protect Philly From Voter Intimidation

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.


Wharton Resume Padding Club Adds 3000 New Members

Last Sunday marked the first, and only, club GBM of the year in which only 20 of the club’s 7500 total non-board members attended. During this meeting, the club’s seven presidents and 15 vice-presidents each spoke for thirty seconds about the goals for the club. 


Oops! Instagram Activist Never Registered To Vote

The UTB investigative team has come to the conclusion that reposting infographics on Instagram is Emily’s main way of fulfilling her civic duty, instead of doing boring things like voting or phone banking. 


BREAKING: ‘Right Outside of Philly’ Actually Encompasses the Entire World

One must understand that moving right, for long enough, really just takes you back to where you started. This realization naturally leads to the conclusion that all of the globe's latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates can be included in 'right outside of Philly.'


Separate Town Halls Brings Nostalgia of Christmas for Child of Divorce

Children of divorce expected Trump to play the rule of their wife-abusing father that’s alcoholism and ever present anger management issues forced the marital trouble in the first place. 


Penn Officials Enforce Weekly Covid Testing By Breaking into Off-Campus Housing

The worst is when we get someone who starts screaming when they wake up and see you swabbing their nose. Like do you not care about your health? We’re trying to do you a favor here 


As Mask and Wig Locks Down Partnership With Netflix, Bloomers Still to Perform Shows on Instagram Live

Bloomers Chairwoman Rachel Bucknell (C '21) wasn't worried about performing via Instagram Live. "I think this option is super accessible to the audience we want to reach. Our only concern is that the shoulders of our oversized suits won't fit in the frame." 


Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann’s Immortality

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 


Students Make A Difference By Voting for Student Government

Due to students’ votes, significant changes will be made to the Penn community.  


BREAKING: Mask and Wig Does Not Exist

Students, when asked if another bastion of privilege and whiteness was needed on Penn’s campus, responded with a resounding ‘no’. 


Brooke O'Harra To Join Chris Wallace In Moderator Support Group

O'Harra received heavy criticism in the Zoom chat for asking Mulaney, a stand-up comedian and actor, about investment banking and consulting. She also reportedly only smiled 6 times throughout the entire call, causing students to call her "sus" in that chat. 


Fuck It: Third Pret In Huntsman

And in order to complete this project, we are reallocating some funding that was previously used for...Wild Cats? Oh sorry, Wilcaf," said Gutmann, squinting at the budget memo she was reading from. 


Quiz: Did You Leave the Oven On?

Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! Youu2019ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. Thereu2019s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing-- oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.


We Did It Guys! Change.org Petition Signed By 139 Underclassmen Cited In Gutmann Paycut

The official number hasn’t been released yet, but UTB is absolutely confident in the power of underclassmen polisci majors and Change.org’s 100% success rate.


Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 


Report: “Virtual Snacks with the Dean” Greatest Threat to Our Collective Grasp on Reality

“I love snacks,” Dean Sneigowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”


BREAKING: Friendly Reminder Is Lowkey Unfriendly :(

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”


"It's Almost Fall ;)" Announces Girl With Extensive Spongebob Sweater Collection

While some look forward to Halloween, some are eagerly awaiting posting selfies with pumpkin spice lattes, and others are preparing for sweater weather. Adriana Cortez is part of that last group.


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