Commons Replaces All Plates with Zoo-Pals, Still Runs Out

Zoo-Pals, the beloved paper plates that double as friends, pair perfectly with the sophisticated, sometimes-good cuisine served up at Commons.

BREAKING: Freshman Buys One Plant and Starts Referring to Her Dorm as a 'Space'

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

Penn Students Surprised Brexit 'Still a Thing'

On a campus which was awash in a midterm voting rush just weeks ago, wouldn’t these students who claim to be politically active on American issues be aware of one the biggest economic events of the past decade?

University Honor Council Spotted Stalking Terrified CIS Freshman Like Sharks Circling a Wounded Tuna

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”

UPennAlert: Chef Rick Bayless Is Running Around Frontera Naked Slathered In Guacamole Again

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.

Sophomore Stocks Up on Plan B Before Getting Fucked by Midterm

"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."

Girl Sells Roommate on Free or For Sale

When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). 

Crafty! Freshman Smuggles TupperwareTM Into Family’s Thanksgiving Dinner

At this point in the semester, every Penn freshman has either learned to sneak Tupperware out of the dining halls or learned to sneak other, non-TupperwareTM plastic containers out of the dining halls.

Making a Difference: Selfless Human Rights Law Students Collaborate to Save Vulnerable Starbucks Franchise

When the Starbucks on 34th and Chestnut streets announced that it would close in early December, nearby Penn Law students were shaken to their core.

Wow! Dean Furda and Your Uncle Really Hit it Off This Thanksgiving

Who is that giggling across the table? Who else, but Dean of Admissions Eric Furda and your Uncle Mike, childishly saying the word "basted" over and over.

Penn Bookstore Introduces Wharton-Branded, 25lb. Frozen Turkey

As a part of a special promotion for the Thanksgiving holiday, the University of Pennsylvania Bookstore has unveiled its new Wharton-branded, 25 lb. frozen turkey.

'I Feel Like I Peaked in High School' Complains Student Who Peaked in Middle School

Starved of validation for the first time in her life, she’s beginning to wonder how much she really deserves to be at Penn.

Freshman in Long-Distance Relationship Excited to Hear What Girlfriend 'Really Needs to Talk to Him About' Over Thanksgiving Break

“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”

OP-ED: I'm Passionate about Math, Unless I get a B on this Midterm

Really, you just need to put yourself out there. Try new things! As long as you can keep your 4.0, the world’s your oyster.

To House All Sophomores on Campus, Penn May Donate the Sophomore Class to Elon Musk

Having absolutely no way to go about coming up with the additional beds, the University determined that drastic action had to be taken.

Student MERTed From Pottruck After Too-Strenuous Walk Up to Second Floor

“Just walking through the gym doors has been a PR, so I’m satisfied,” he said, between puffs of oxygen.

BREAKING: Daniel is Thinking of Starting a Streetwear Brand

Question is, did you fill out the Google Form asking you which shirt you’d buy?

Stain on Quad Floor Is Not the Usual Blood of the Innocent, Is Actually Vomit

The regularly scheduled demonic ritual was interrupted by a visibly inebriated freshman.

Freshman Shocked That Class Right Before Thanksgiving Isn’t Spent Making Hand Turkeys

Louisa Ferman (E ‘22, W ‘22) walked into OIDD 101 this Tuesday with her creative juices already flowing.

Amy Gutmann Reportedly Spending Up to 3 Hours Daily Practicing High Five

Gutmann will “take a sharpie, trace her hand shape onto a mirror, and just keep high fiving it until the glass breaks.”