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News


Hurrah, Hurrah! PennOpen Pass Red and Blue

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!


Yup, I Counted: There Are Exactly 1283 Smears in This Tile

But I have to concede that there actually might be fewer smears than counted. I might’ve accidentally counted some of my own hairs. Or my suitemates’. Or some rat that ran across my floor.


Greek Life Members Head to Greek Rank to Build Wholesome and Inclusive COVID-Safe Online Community

The famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let the coronavirus pandemic stop them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive. 


Disappointing: Mask and Wig Still Not Funny

Have you heard their jokes? How have these guys achieved international stardom? 


Breaking: University to Begin Offering B.A. in Astrology

This announcement comes on the heels of the entire world’s impending spiritual transformation under a global pandemic.


UPenn Alert: One Person Voluntarily Releases Their Belongings to Another (Unarmed Robbery)

Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.


DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events

Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there simply "wasn’t enough evidence" to publish an article to hold the perpetrators accountable.  


Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 


Philly Heroes! Frats Holding Events Downtown To Support Local Restaurants

So frats made a commitment: they were going to host their date nights, rush events, and BYOs at bars and restaurants in the community -- all to stimulate the economy, of course. | Megan Striff-Cave & Grace Ginsburg 



Penn Announces New Ratio of Ten Hot TA’s for Every Professor

Upon hearing the news, students were quite eager to see which model they might get.


Student on Fourth Class Already Two Years Behind on Readings

After waking up at 12, two hours past the start time of her 10 am class, Kya prepared to do her readings. In preparation, she warmed up her eyes by reading the captions on her friends' Instagram posts.


Donate! Sisters Fundraising for Sansom West Room Decor

#QuarantineInStyle


New Off-Campus Sorority Members Begin Pledging By Being Forced To Stay Inside For 2 Weeks

Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 


Feminists Mad Penn is Keeping their Periods Quiet!

"Under the guise of the 'Quiet Period,' a two-week moratorium on campus life and activities, the administration has been silencing student’s menstruation." | Mikayla Golub


Comeback Kid! Depression Returns as Classes Resume

Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.


Amy Gutmann Excited for COVID-19 to Kill Freshmen: "There's Too Many of These Bitches"

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”


“FAFSA? Omg, I Love Soccer Tournaments” Says Friend With Multiple Homes

"Yikes! It appears that Nina Gomez (W ‘23), a native of the Upper East Side who uses “summer” as a verb, has unfortunately confused the FAFSA with FIFA." | Megan Striff-Cave


Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass

By foregoing vaccination altogether, Philadelphia city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.


Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.


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