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News


POEM OF THE WEEK: Heaven Looks a Lot Like Facebook Marketplace

Heaven looks a lot like Facebook marketplace


Accepted Class of 2027 Worried There Is Less Recess Time at College

They're the new kids in town. 


When Penn Became Communist China: The Day I Had to Go Around the Fence on Locust Walk

Next thing you know, you're transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.


Hill Dining Hall Harvests the Meat From Biopond, Lights Up the Grill

For months we’ve been getting complaints that our ingredients aren’t clean. How can anything be cleaner than meat that was literally just washed in water?


Princeton MBB Advances to Sweet 16 as Penn Prepares for Tough Matchup vs. Make-A-Wish Foundation

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has put together their best team in decades, with several players having used their wishes for basketball lessons from pro stars such as Michael Jordan, Devin Booker, and Blake Griffin.



DP Survey Finds Houston Hall Still Nowhere Near as Wet as the Engineering Students They Polled

Some engineering students have spoken to Under the Button reporters directly to comment on their nymphomania. However, we could not understand them due to their poor social cues. It really is a mystery how they’re getting some.


Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am

You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.


Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House

Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.


Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian

After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up. 


CAPS Starts Therapy Group for Girls Who Rushed to Find “Strong Sisterhood”

The girls have already formed close bonds and decided to create their own pseudo-sorority, titled in the typical Greek fashion: “Yo Gabba Gabba”.


Stupid Bitch! My Sorority Big Is Just as Lost in Life as I Am!

Big-Little season brings hope for a prosperous future but it is all one great big lie and no one actually knows what’s going on.


What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable

Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!


Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program

Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn's finest dining establishments.  


Penn Marriage Pact, Penn Crushes: Penn Engineers Just So Horny

Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone. 


Commons Lowkey Sceney Tonight! I See My One Friend Over There

Soupe du jour? Friendship. 


We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat

Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.


Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”


Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!

Yes, 90% of the rush class are freshmen, they will all do pretty much everything without you, and the only other sophomore is a little weird, but that's part of it!


Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic. 


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