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News


Ego of the Week: The Mop at Rumor

The Ego of the Week this week is the Rumor nightclub mop. UTB sat down with the mop and heard all about the mop's role in the bustling Philadelphia clubbing scene, the mop's passions, and more!


Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.


Meet the Degenerate Who Pre-gamed His Professor's Office Hours

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.


Junior Boy Featured in 'My Strange Addiction' Ecstatic for Hey Day

Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.


Shocking! Girl Who Begins Every Text With Lowercase Letter Is Actually Not Chill at All

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.


Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.


How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar.


Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.


Sophomore Skips Class to Avoid Being Cold-Called

What people think of him matters a lot more, however, and that’s why he's willing to take the risk.


Junior Who's Watched 500 Hours of Gordon Ramsay Only Knows How to Yell at Roommates for Not Washing Dishes

With the rise of internet food culture, it feels like anyone armed with a Yelp account and portrait mode gets to call themselves a food expert. But for one devoted fan of Gordon Ramsay, the act of cooking is an art form. 


Student Excited to Spend Reading Days Getting Into a Good Book in for a Rude Awakening

Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.


Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!


Passionate Professor Gets Teary-Eyed About The Death of Abraham Lincoln As the Whole Class Fully Browses Facebook

Timothy Dean is a tenured history professor with an unmatched knowledge and passion for Civil War studies. In his free time, he does pretty much nothing besides watch Ken Burns documentaries about the American South and crafting charcoal portraits of Abraham Lincoln. 


Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

“There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”


Huntsman Student With Target Language in Russian Now Has to Live in Russia Next Semester

Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.


Study Shows Even the Least Motivated Penn Students Will Run Tomorrow’s World

Earlier this week, Penn researchers announced the conclusion of a seminal, twenty-year, longitudinal study about the outcomes of Penn graduates.


BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”


Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.


Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.


Experimental Poetry Seminar Has Surprisingly Fruitful Class Session on 4/20

In a shocking turn of events, the class proved to be one of the most insightful and probing discussions of the semester.


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