Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework
I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.
Opinion
OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework
I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself.
Stinky Pig Girl (Me) Loves to Eat From Trough
I'm a stinky little pig girl who drank too much, and now I need some one to fill my trough up to its brim.
OP-ED: Wouldn’t It Have Really Sucked If Jeffrey Epstein Graduated From Penn?
But, in the broad scheme of things, Penn has had some seriously questionable alumni. Case in point, the 46th President of the United States of America: Donald Trump.
OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?
Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty.
To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.
You have a class at nine a.m., don’t you? Fuck you. Go to sleep. Unlike you, I still care, and I can't stand the sight of you like this.
Feeling Depressed? Here’s Why You Should Feel Guilty About That
Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.
Editorial by Kasra | Hi, I'd Like to Add You to My Professional Network
Just wanted to reach out to offer you a formal invitation to join an exclusive club. Like, this is super legit. No no no, not Friars. I'm inviting you to join... my professional network.
Quiz: Do You Know Your iCloud Password?
Uh oh! You've been logged out of your iCloud account. But no worries — of course you know your password. Or do you? Take this quiz to find out!
OP-ED: Your Fraternity Would Have Been Lucky to Have Me
But I mean if anyone drops and you need an extra guy I guess I could find the time in my schedule.
Guest Column From the Random Adult in Your Class: Do You Even Remember 9/11?
I mean, do you even remember 9/11? Do you even know what that is?
OP-ED: Yeah I Might Have Narcolepsy, or Maybe I’m Just Vibing
Some may say I most likely have narcolepsy and should seek treatment. I say yeah, maybe. Or maybe I’m just vibing.
Editorial | Under The Button Endorses Colonel Sanders for President
Joe Biden has been flip-flopping for the last 50 years. Meanwhile Col. Sanders has been using the same 11 herbs and spices. Sure, the Colonel is not a seasoned veteran of the political process, but goddamn if that chicken isn’t perfectly seasoned every time.
The Only Answer For This Divisive Political Climate? Jeb!
We tried Trump’s mama bear politics, and people are too scared for Bernie’s papa bear sensibilities, so it’s time to settle right in the middle and get cozy with baby bear Jeb.
OP-ED: I Don’t Follow Politics but Andrew Yang Could Venmo Me $1000
The day I stumble upon $1000 in my Venmo balance is the day I decide to wholly commit myself to making Andrew Yang the President of these United States.
OP-ED: I'm in Penn Dems and Yes, I Fall Asleep to Pre-Recorded ASMR Phone Bankers
Between canvassing, registering voters, and getting positively trashed to cope with the fact that Mike Bloomberg is actually gaining traction, my fellow Dems and I have no time to sleep. That is why we have taken the time to record our most skilled phone bankers in the act.
This Is The Year I Crack This Alchemy Thing
If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom.
How to Descend the Huntsman Staircase Like a Goddamn Debutante
As your hand glides ever so sensually along the Huntsman staircase railing, you can practically hear your name being announced, the applause, the oohs and ahs.
OP-ED: Help, I’m Drunk in the Pottruck Pool Again
I’ve been here before. I know it — it’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake. The gentle lapping of waves. The buzz of the fluorescent lights. The chlorinated burn. The never ending drip...
OP-ED: We Need to Talk About the Chandelier in Allegro’s
Frank discussion is the first step toward genuine understanding, and I know that we are collectively baffled by the choice of light fixture in the glass-enclosed lobby of the local pizza joint.
OP-ED: Here's How Kamala Harris Can Still Win
Ok, hear me out. I know it's a long-shot, but there's still a chance, I promise. Honestly, I'd even argue that she's the front-runner at this point. Only real political science gurus like myself can see behind CNN's veil of ignorance and understand that the real Democratic candidate in 2020 will be none other than Kamala Harris.
