OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon
Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.
Opinion
OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come
But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.
OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon
Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.
OP-ED: I Hope the World Ends Before I Graduate so I Don’t Disappoint My Mother by Not Going to Law School
mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.
OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come
But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.
Thought Experiment: I Think I Could Do More Push-Ups Than Wendell Pritchett
That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.
5 Laptop Stickers to Show Everyone Just How Intellectual You Are
Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.
Get You a Girl That Can Do Both! I Love Socialism and Urban Outfitters
Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops.
OP-ED: These Articles Embarrass My Family and Haunt My Future Job Search, so Please at Least like Them
Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian.
OP-ED: I Would Totally Send My Daughter to Public School, but It’s Important to Me That She Tries Water Polo
How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?
Jon Bon Jovi and 4 Other Things That Help Me Celebrate My White Heritage
Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.
OP-ED: How One Game of Marry, Fuck, Kill Got Me a Job at Bain
See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.
OP-ED: Yeah He’s Hot, but He Only Has Three Beer Bottles Lined up on His Shelf
They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?
OP-ED: I Could Also Win an Oscar If I Tried, I’m Just Kind of Busy Rn
"I haven't had time to get everything together yet, but if I did I feel like my movie would probably be groundbreaking like hers is"
OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)
I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.
OP-ED: Add the Quaker to Smash Bros, You Cowards
I know what you’re thinking: it’s going to be hard to keep the game balanced when adding such an immensely powerful character.
OP-ED: Capital One Cafe Isn't like Other Cafes, It's Worse
It’s a microcosm of coffee and money. At this point, Penn should look into adding it to its real estate portfolio.
Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? There’s No Alcohol at This Party
I thought it was just going to be a fun relaxed night of binge drinking, but instead they found old video games in the basement, and now the night seems like it’s going to be really wholesome.
OP-ED: Are You Sneaking a Banana out of Commons or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
I might grab an apple, perhaps a kiwi or even a pear if I’m feeling adventurous. I could even grab a banana, like you seem to have maybe done.
Dear Malia Obama: Forget That Lame Shit, Let's Do Fireball Shots
You’re telling me you’re at a Miami beach party, and you’re just gonna causally sip some wine? Not even fun wine like Franzia.
OP-ED: Amy Gutmann Isn't Muslim, but I'd Have No Problem With It if She Was
In this hyper-polarized climate, in which people (especially Muslims) are viewed far too often with contempt, scorn, or fear, it's important to be an ally. Today I am officially declaring that if Penn's president Amy Gutmann was Muslim, I would be totally cool with it.
OP-ED: A Letter to the Mask and Wig Boy Who Offered a Flyer to the Girl in Front of Me on Locust, but Not to Me
There you were, 100 feet away, nervously standing in the dappled sunlight of Locust Walk. Despite the freezing weather, your somehow still-sweaty hands clutched a stack of flyers: invitations to your beautiful soul.
