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Opinion


UTB MadLibs: Can YOU Help Donald Write His Victory Speech?

I want to thank (celebrity), (closeted-gay Republican), (sell-out democrat), (porn star), (Trump family member), and myself.


Op-Ed: I Got the Best Sleep of My Life in the Pile of Mulch I Booked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I cannot recommend the Four Seasons enough! My only complaint is that there was heavy traffic during our checkout time due to some sort of cult propaganda shoot or something.


Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  


Op-Ed: I'm Anti-Flu Shot Because I Need Both My Arms for Jerking Off

Sorry, Dad! I know that you live a pious, sex-less life, you soggy Mitch McConnell-look alike and that neither you nor mother has touched your Sahara Desert of a peen since 2015, but this meat’s gotta get tenderized on the reg. 


19 Year Old Mole Actually Speck of Dust

People tell me that things could be worse ("you could have COVID!") and that I should pay attention to more pressing matters ("worry about the election!"). But the thing is, COVID is just a conspiracy and the election isn't even that important. The bond that I had with my mole was real. And I have lost it forever.  


OP-ED: Only Losers Vote Early. I'm Voting Fashionably Late.

So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.


Presidential Election, Who? Damn, No One Told Me That Was Yesterday

What a shame Trump might win Pennsylvania on a razor thin margin. If only people had gone out and done the work… reminding me to vote. 


Fuck!!!!

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How to Tell Your White Friends That They Will Spend the Rest of Eternity Burning in Hell

The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable. 


Professor Assigns So Much Work Wallowing in Sorrow Cut From 2 Hours to 30 Minutes

My professors have recently been cutting into that time more and more, to the point that I may not have any time tonight to contemplate my existence while listening to Frank Ocean. 


How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?


If Penn Says I Can't Come, I'm Showing up With a Signed Note From My Mom

My mom is NOT the type of woman to sign notes for me willy nilly! That's why I was shocked when my mom told me that I would be going to school this spring regardless of University protocol.


8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 


It's Literally 50% Likely to Happen: You Can't Keep Naming Divorce as Your Childhood Trauma

Maybe your mom lost that signature twinkle in her eye, and your dad simply couldn’t bear to look at her anymore.


5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!


OP-ED: Spotted Red Lantern Flies Are My Only Source of Physical Touch

At this point, I need to take what I can get, and what I can get is spotted red lantern flies.


Midterm “Week” Actually Nine Calendar Months

The light at the of the tunnel won't get here until May. You've still got about 200 days – give or take – of all-nighters, stress eating, and ugly crying. 


Jessica Excited to Finally Use Communication Major as Spam Caller

Most days Jessica calls and tells people that their Social Security Number has been stolen, but some days she is given a lot of freedom and even gets to tell them their car has been robbed or that their brother was in prison. She told UTB that her job is not easy and requires expert communication and interpersonal skills. 


OP-ED: I Like My Relationships Like My Closed-Note Exams: Full of Open, Unabashed Cheating.

Cheating is hot. It also has the potential to destroy relationships, families, general trust in humanity, and your pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive - but that just makes it hotter.


Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others.  


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