Opinion


6 Ways To Cope When Your Mom Destroys You At Beer Pong

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.


OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite. No homo, though.


OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?

It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.


OP-ED: No, I Definitely Didn't Memorize This Restaurant's Menu, And I Haven’t Practiced Saying My Order Out Loud

Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!


OP-ED: Is He Flirting With You or Giving You a Look Because You Can't Stop Coughing?

It’s hard to tell though if a potential boyfriend is flirting with you or just giving you a look while you’re in the middle of a cough attack in Fisher Fine Arts. Here are some tips to figure it out once and for all. 


OP-ED: Hi, I'm in Penn Dems and if You Don't Register to Vote I Will Literally Kidnap Your Grandma

Hi! I'm a member of Penn Dems. Have you registered to vote? No? Oh, no worries, haha. It just happens to be the most important thing that you could ever possibly imagine doing. No biggie though!


OP-ED: Fuck the Police, but If Your Party Gets Too Loud, I’m Calling the Cops

I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original.


OP-ED: Sure, My PNC Bank Online Statement Is Ready for Me, But Am I Ready for It?

What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before.


4 Ways to Fashion Deli Meat Into Underwear After Forgetting to Do Your Laundry

Are you fresh out of underwear? Don't fear, we've got this one. We've cut down our deluge of delicatessen directions to our top four methods for crafting underwear out of deli meats.


OP-ED: I Got Through 3 Hours of Class Today—I Deserve to Postmates This Meal

Just like my mother, I believe in positive reinforcement. As a kid, when I would come home from school burnt out and tired, she would always make me a snack. It was something to look forward to. It was something that kept me excited to learn.


OP-ED: I Just Showed up Fifteen Minutes Late to This Lecture with a Giant Motorized Scooter and I Want to Make a Scene

I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.


Quiz: Which One of You Thinks Your Time Is Worth so Much That You Can Leave Your Tupperware in the Sink?

1. Whose dirty Tupperware is in the sink? a. Yeah that’s mine. I was up all night debugging my code. You can’t blame me there bro: school always comes first. But even though I have enough time to meal prep for the next six months, I don’t have the 30 seconds it takes to wash one, singular item of dishware. b. Listen buddy, I was exhausted after my day at OCR. Do you not understand how important the work that I’m doing is? Of course, it’s my Tupperware. But, dude, it’s one extra dish. Just wash it with your stuff. You’re being kind of selfish if you ask me.


OP-ED: How I Always Find Time in My Busy Schedule to Cry in Front of My TA

Some people treat being busy like a competition. But I refuse to think like that. Despite being so busy with my 6.5 credits, 4 club commitments, and more papers than you probably have, I always find time in my packed schedule to shed some tears.


OP-ED: I Know You Ate My Food, Sharon, I Saw It on My Nanny Cams

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon. I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.


How to Organize a BYO When You Are a Shell of a Human Being

Social chairs look no further—here’s how to plan a BYO when you haven’t slept since August and your phone autocorrects "dirty" to "darty."


OP-ED: Check Out My Shirt! It's Like an Expensive Brand But My Frat, Haha

I’m Bradley, a sophomore in Wharton from Greenwich, CT studying finance. I joined my Non-Hazing Fraternity last winter, and my buddy Jake is doing a sick job as Vice President of Frocket Tees, Coozies, and Croakies. Actually, check out the shirt I have on right now. It’s like an expensive brand but my frat, haha.


So You've Alienated All Your Friends This Summer by Ghosting Them. Now What?

So you had a rough summer. Your friends wanted to talk to you, but you kept ghosting them. Now you've alienated all of them. How are you going to fix this?


Here Are 5 Definitive Ways to Tell If Your Roommate Is a Psychopath

So you moved in about three weeks ago, and it has been a whirlwind. After meeting your roommate, hanging out a ton with them during NSO, and then completely ditching them when you made your real friends, you’re beginning to notice some weird things they do. After speaking with several Penn scientists and psychopaths we know personally, we’ve compiled a list of five foolproof ways to tell if your roommate is a psychopath.


OP-ED: If I Don't Go to My First Class, I Won't Go to Any Class

My roommate frequently misses her 8 a.m. recitation. Still, she makes an effort to attend her afternoon classes, saying she wants to "make the most of her tuition money." In fact, most of my friends, even if they skip one of their classes regularly, usually go to the others in order to stay on top of the course material.


OP-ED: Let's Try Planning Fall Break For Months, Drop the Ball And Just Get a MegaBus to NYC, I Guess

Hey pals, what’s the haps? I know we’re still rotting away in the offices at the jobs our parents so graciously awarded us, but we NEED to do something fun for fall break this year. I was thinking Amalfi Coast? Maybe Dubai? I’d also be down for Sydney! It’ll be so simple to arrange a quick little weekend trip with my best friends.


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