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Most Recent


I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty

What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.


Op-Ed: &pizza is a Male-Dominated Space

Enough is enough. I think it’s finally time to address the gender relations within the setting society refers to as “&pizza.” 


FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 


PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.


Queer King: My Roommate Just Came Out as 'Sapiosexual'

Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!


Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 


Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”


Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself

I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.


REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate

Is this the end for meritocracy?



Leaked! UTB Rejection Letter

I think you may have misread the application. We asked you to submit two satire articles, not fourteen acrostic poems about how much you love your mom


Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.” 


Fact Check: Justin Bieber Was Not Made in America

 Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd 


Op-Ed: You Heard So Much About Me? All Good Things I Hope, Haha

Yeah, for sure, let’s get dinner.


Help! I Took Adderall and Now I Am On Adderall

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 


300 Professors Petition for Option to Teach Remotely After Receiving Pushback for Jerking Off In-Person

Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.


'Penn Men's Center for the Straight Male' to Be Housed Across from ARCH

Only when the white cis-male is free can we all be free.


How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times

Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.


Message to the Penn Community: Germany is Awesome :)

Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!



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