YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.

The statement went on to detail that upwards of 70% of the senior class would not be admitted if they applied to Penn again and fundamentally do not deserve to be here. 

Go outdoors, get high, and take a mindful minute. 

I found this website called Corona Cures XXX that gave a lot of cures that haven’t been circulated by mainstream medicine, among other things. 

Companies will appreciate your forward-thinking and might even take your initiative into account when they consider your application.  

For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxers, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots?

Through urine testing and vehement denial, Gutmann seems to have successfully distanced herself from the allegations of doping that were raised last year. 

Thanks to the McIlhenny Company, Fortson’s cooking has been made tolerable for the past couple of weeks.

Sure you do.

 Star students Pfizer and Moderna scored 95 on the first midterm while JnJ bombed to a 70. Forced to swallow their pride, JnJ panic-switched to pass/fail the night of the deadline.  

This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. 

They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 

Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important. 

 I sprinted into the convention center and plowed through the military guy that was managing the line. I sprinted down the hallway with no regard for any of the other patients. I hurdled the fences like I was a fucking Olympic athlete.  

Even after the 13–hour is up, the jouissance of EAST & UP is far from over.

Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. 

See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.

I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.