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'Our Students Are First-Generation, Low-Income, and Obscenely Privileged, Too,' Says Amy Gutmann

We call on the great silent majority, the privileged students of Penn: Be loud. Be proud. Never forget that you, above everyone else, matter.


Uh Oh! TA Now Twitch Streaming Recitations, Wants to Know "What's up, Gamers"

Students from the class were willing to confirm that Owens conveys roughly as much useful information during his Twitch rants on Belle Delphine as he ever did during a regular recitation.  


Poly Sci Professor Once Again Vowing to Release Lectures On-Time Next Week

 The professor will remain anonymous for his own sake, but he knows damn well who he is. 


Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash

He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed. 


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”



Five Quarantine Activities That Are All Just Reading the Bible

TAKE THIS TIME TO COME CLOSER HIM, TO FIND HIS SALVATION. 


Feeling a Little Down? You Deserve It.

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President’s Engagement Prize Awarding $250,000 To Anyone Looking to Try Something Out in West Philly

Although the participants candidly admitted they could not predict the future of their projects, they all felt this experience would have long term and sustainable impacts on how they approach their work once they begin as consultants for McKinsey.


Figments of Our Collective Imagination: Amy Gutmann As a Mythological Symbol of the American Dream

Always appearing at official university functions, but only from a distance. So rarely seen that meeting her around campus is a newsworthy event — one that must be documented with photographic evidence for your peers.


Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts

Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.


OP-ED: Penn Should Let Students Choose Their Own Grade

That girl from your chem class that had to get her eyes rinsed three times this semester? Definitely knows she deserves a B- at best. And for you, the one person in your class that actually gets your work done on time and perfectly crafts every essay and problem set despite being drunk or hungover the entire weekend? The coveted A+, reserved for only the worthiest of students. 


OP-ED: S-S-Sorry I Ha ve a Bad Zo om conn ct on. Can Y He ar Me Now?

My n   ame's Blurr  yface an d I c  are w hat y ou thi    nk


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience, Again

UTB needs your help yet again to assess the experience of Penn students as we continue to provide refined, high-caliber reading material.


Wow! Penn Really Not Gonna Change to Pass/Fail

Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, "the stress of having to study is too much for them."


So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(

Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.


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