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BREAKING: GSR Disputes Will Now Be Settled With Staring Contests

I showed the woman at the front desk in Biotech my green pass. She hissed at me. Fair enough.


Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space

Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays. 


Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect

Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.


Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.


Editorial: There Is Absolutely Nothing Wrong With Me

I worry that your baby thinks people can’t change. I used to be a slut, bleached blonde hair, tube top, meatball hoagies (toasted) at Wawa… but people can change.


Erm, I Don't Really Care: Sister Showing Me Her Sloppy, Jury-Rigged Dinner Over Video Call

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.


The Boston Tea Party Was Soooo Fucked Up... Can I Come In Now Zetes?

Europeans. Throw. Better. Parties. 


REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”


Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 


OP-ED: I Seem to be Losing my Socks

Most disappeared in pairs, but some particularly cruel socks remained even as their partners left, just to taunt me. There is nothing so horrible as being able to find only one sock out of a pair.


OP-ED: I Dream of A Popular KCECH

I was having a conversation with one of my many acquaintances who are so overwhelmingly in love with me that they pop the question: “Where do you live?” Why do you want to know? Do you want to bed me?


OP-ED: Please Don’t Hold the Door for Me I’m Like 30 Feet Away

Every man for themselves…



Good Girl! I Will Give Up My Virginity for Lent

Mother Meresa


Breaking: Your Answer Not One of the Multiple Choice Options

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  



Here is Some of Jane Eyre

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.



OP-ED: I Don’t Care That Someone Is Impersonating You on Instagram, and I Will Not Report the Account

Maybe I am a bad person, maybe one day I will be the victim of a crime just as heinous, and maybe then I will have sympathy for these individuals who have their internet persona robbed from them, but as of now, I do not care. 


Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.


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