You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 

Students in Klaus’ classes report that what were once weekly breakdowns have now become daily episodes of Professor Klaus lashing out at his computer. “I’ve tried every route imaginable to resolve this issue,” said Klaus, tearing up. “I have disassembled and then reassembled my NASA-grade computer no fewer than 15 times.”

The only problem is that the student is now so sensitive to daylight, he plans to stay at home for the Spring semester. But who are we kidding, that’s what all of us are doing anyways.

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 

Nationwide, Squirrels rejoice over the voluntary suffering of us wretched humans. While many of us may despise No Nut November, it is the biggest nutting season for these tiny rodents. 

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.

She works so hard.

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!

Even after all these years, you're still so turned on right now, aren't you, you nasty lil' horn dog? 

The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!  

Their millennia of social and political domination has provided them with everything except a sense of humor.  

An hour into my Physics midterm, I found myself in some guy's bed, knowing that I had a week to turn it in.

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.