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OP-ED: But Where Are the Halal GALS?

Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?


5 Ways to Rock the Confidence of Scoring That Internship with Your Dad's Friend

With your new internship you got from your dad’s fraternity brother, you’re now the most qualified person in your friend group in all aspects of life. 


Pennovation Win! This Allergenic Frat Boy Started Cutting His Blow with Zyrtec™

Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.


Quiz: What Does the FMC on FMC Tower Really Stand For?

Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.


Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.


Eugenics Group Disappointed to Learn EAS 203 Is Not 'Engineering Ethnics'

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.


Chez Yasmine: Take a Free Napkin, Apple, Water, and Cigarette

Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.


Is She a Witch or Does She Just like Hozier?

Being a witch is fine, but being a Hozier fan? You know she’s going to be into some freaky stuff.


Screw You Goldman, I Can Sell Açaí Bowls at 1300% Profit Margins

Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..


Happy Earth Day! Here's Some Pics of Me on Expensive Outdoorsy Trips

If all the turtles die, who am I going to swim with when I go back to my fave spot in Kauai? Def not my mom lol. Pleaseeee save the turtles so I don’t have to hang out with my mom in Hawaii! 


How to Focus in Class Even Though Your Mind Is Wandering to the Purple-Clad Member of the Wiggles

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Sick! Guy in Front of You Has Night Mode for Excel Turned On

Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.


OP-ED: Just Because It's Warm out Doesn't Mean Professors Should Wear Shorts

I don’t care if you have the sweatiest ankles in Pennsylvania. You have to wear pants.


OP-ED: I May Not Give A’s, but I Do Give High Fives

Instead of actually making the course more challenging, I’ve just decided to eliminate the letter A from my repertoire.


OP-ED: I'm a Liquor Control Enforcement Officer and My Job Is Very Important

This past Spring Fling, several colleagues and I were dispatched to ensure that students were having a safe and legal weekend by going undercover and attending college parties. I am writing to inform all of you that this was extremely important and very much not a “waste of time and resources."



OP-ED: Hey Mom, Can't FaceTime Right Now, a Penis Is Literally Entering Me

Sorry we haven’t talked in a while :/ You always call me in the middle of my Penn Appétit meetings, so I can't pick up.


Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.


Student Prepping for SHS Appointment Guzzles 6 Bottles of Gummy Vitamins

 It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.


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