UTB was told by construction officials that they have begun the search for new green spaces! That excavator is digging away, searching for that sweet, sweet green that lies just beneath High Rise Field.

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.

The group's biggest concerns are griefers, hackers, and creepers. But so far, so good. 

Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Billboard take heed: quit searching now, because the best song of 2019 is already here, and baby it rules (it rules, it rules, it rules).

She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.

Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."

"There are countless people in the world who need the warmth of a glove but demand the agility of bare fingers. When you buy a pair of Dexter Gloves, you'll know that you're helping someone else be able to play the guitar or use a touch screen in moderately cold weather."

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.

It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.

School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.

If you’re going to have a fight with your family, you might as well plan for it to be at one of campus’ most argument-accommodating restaurants. Here’s how to choose.

No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday. 

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.

"All of us at Owls are rooting for 21, and we hope this whole ICE rubbish gets sorted out soon."

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!

From behind trembling lips, you cough up the words “one oat milk chai, please.” 

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.”