It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew.

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.

 I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month.

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 

Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies. 

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.

 “This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.” 

Weird flex but ok

In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.

Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety.

She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned! 

It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.

The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.

"It’s kind of refreshing that someone as accomplished as Samantha can feel the same sort of things as normal, regular folk like me."

Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.

Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.