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Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)

It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.


OP-ED: Can Campus Apartments Get Me a New Lease on Life?

This year, however, I cannot be fulfilled by a five-bedroom on Baltimore. Having a roof over your head is great, but what I really need right now is the chance to start anew.


Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health Services is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker.


OP-ED: Yes, I Have Never Been Single. No, I Did Not Have a Traumatic Childhood

 I was hanging out with my girlfriend Katie. No, no, not Katie Smith — we broke up last month.


Sophomore to Study Abroad in London After Realizing No Country Speaks Spanish at 140 Level

She had spent the last two months researching Spanish-speaking countries in hopes of finding one where residents only spoke in simple, indicative sentences.


Students Beware: Field Botany Literally Just a Weed-Out Class

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 


Golden Goose Introduces One for One Program: One Pair of Shoes for a One Percent Tax Break for the Wealthy

Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies. 


Fancy Man Housemate Showing Off Nifty Little Espresso Doodad

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.


Meet the Wharton Grads Who Turned Down Wall Street to Launch Their Promising Startup 'Toys Were We'

 “This is a unique business model. Currently, there is not a single store trying to do what we are doing.” 



Study Finds DRL Bathroom Has Higher Attendance Than Lecture Hall

In a recent study, David Rittenhouse Laboratories was reported to have the highest (hand) foot (and mouth) traffic of any academic building.


Post Midterm Elections, Penn Students Now Morally Allowed to Stop Caring about Politics for Two Years

Many Penn students can afford not to care about politics because those politics do not directly threaten their health and safety.


Girl Whose Parents Donated $20 Million Still Fucking Owes Me $30

She wants her (parents’) hard-earned money returned! 


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will You Fuck Jeff From Writing Sem?

It’s Friday evening and you just got out of writing seminar, your loins aflame. For the past hour and half you have ogled the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure of ogling. His name is Jeff, and he is one hot tamale.


International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family

The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.


Overachieving Friend Somehow Better at Self-Loathing Too

"It’s kind of refreshing that someone as accomplished as Samantha can feel the same sort of things as normal, regular folk like me."


Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape

Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.


Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.


Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News

Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.


Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.


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