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“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 


World-Renowned Astrophysicist Still Can’t Figure Out How to Screenshare Over Zoom

Students in Klaus’ classes report that what were once weekly breakdowns have now become daily episodes of Professor Klaus lashing out at his computer. “I’ve tried every route imaginable to resolve this issue,” said Klaus, tearing up. “I have disassembled and then reassembled my NASA-grade computer no fewer than 15 times.”


International Student Develops Night Vision

The only problem is that the student is now so sensitive to daylight, he plans to stay at home for the Spring semester. But who are we kidding, that’s what all of us are doing anyways.


Late Night Wawa Runs to Increase 420% With NJ Marijuana Legalization

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.


Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 


Squirrels Excited for No Nut November

Nationwide, Squirrels rejoice over the voluntary suffering of us wretched humans. While many of us may despise No Nut November, it is the biggest nutting season for these tiny rodents. 


Victory! New Statue Celebrating Black Womanhood Proof That Penn Is Anti-Racist, Progressive

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 


Sister "Soooo Sorry" for Eating Sandwich That You Specifically and Clearly Labelled

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.


UTB Investigates Emily, Not Even In Paris

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 


In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 


Republicans Pass Covid Relief Bill Because They Care About the American People

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.




Chinese Government Announces New 5G-Enabled COVID-20

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.


BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!


Top 10 Animated Characters That Sexually Awakened You

Even after all these years, you're still so turned on right now, aren't you, you nasty lil' horn dog? 


Irresponsible at Penn Stopped Because Everyone Is Responsible Now

The only plausible assumption is that all irresponsible behavior at Penn has ceased. Win!  


Breaking: Men Still Not Funny

Their millennia of social and political domination has provided them with everything except a sense of humor.  


Penn’s Right: Online Classes Did Make Me Cheat On My Bf

An hour into my Physics midterm, I found myself in some guy's bed, knowing that I had a week to turn it in.


No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You

Let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie.


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