Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.

While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.

Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?

This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.

Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.