It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.

Thompson has said that he will continue his good work, keeping our democracy clean and pure by commenting on burgeoning journalists posts with “WRONG!” and “lame.” 

I'm basically a monster before I get my poppers. Know what I mean?

Looking to sublet a spacious, castle-like structure with definitely, at least, some bedrooms from late May — very early August.

Per university policy, Kroll was immediately re-enrolled as a freshman. A College Office staffer commented that “the administration believes Hey Day is so irrevocably entwined with the Junior Experience™ that any student who misses it can hardly be allowed to be called a Penn student at all.”

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.

Why does it need to take A WHOLE MINUTE for me to order, pay, and receive my complicated espresso drink made with a mixture of non-dairy milks?! 

The white, centrist, establishment democrat was leading in the polls even before he announced his candidacy. Many voters say they were drawn to him because of his history in politics, his age, and because he doesn’t have a vagina, which would automatically disqualify him from the position for obvious reasons. 

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.

You haven’t even glanced at that material since the night before the first midterm. Hell, you haven’t glanced at the new material either, so now you’re doubly screwed. 

That’s why, when it came time to submit his final report for PSCI 237 (The Science of Why Political Science Is a Science, We Swear), Moller knew that he had to do something creative. His report was a mess, and there was no time to edit.

You will inevitably pick the wrong ones, fail the first midterm, and not learn about the add/drop deadline until it's far too late. 

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.

Mumps. Just the mumps. I could see the mumps on him. Smell them.

In an attempt to branch out and engage new members, Soundworks Tap Factory has been experimenting with new activities. 

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.

It can’t possibly be my fault I fell asleep during your class. The air was warm, the chairs were comfortable, and the room was literally pitch black.