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OP-ED: I’m Writing a Creative Thesis and It’s All About Me

Thesis advisors everywhere will urge you to avoid topics you don’t fervently care about. “If you write about something you are deeply passionate about, this process will be a lot easier,” Professor Likehert tells her students. Then I thought, what more do I care about than myself?


Quiz: Did You Go to Ritzy Boarding School?

So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is.


Meet Stan, the Sophomore Determined to Photobomb Every Date Night Picture

 Here he is at the Maclay family reunion last September. 


Signing into a High Rise? Please Have Your Penn Card and a Blood Sample out and Ready

Has your guest every been to Six Flags Magic Mountain? That makes a difference in which tiny piece of paper I give them to put in a basket literally seven feet away. Oh wait, it’s a Tuesday before 2pm? Then I’m going to need your mother’s maiden name as well.  


Busy and Elite Pre-Professional Student Uses Slack During Lecture

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  


Student Walks 45 Minutes to Capital One Cafe to Do 15 Minutes of Work

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.


Do You like My Leggings? I Bought Them at Lululemon, Full-Price

 These sleek Wunder Under High-Rise Tight Snow-Washed Ribbed leggings are something else. You could say that they’re the height of athleisure.


Art Hoe Alert! Jenny Knows How to Use a Disposable Camera

Jenny decided to pick up a Fujifilm disposable to take cute pics of her friends drinking various types of spiked seltzer.


With Midterms Looming, Spotted Lanternflies Thrive on the Compass

As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction. 


No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


Reminder: Police on Silly Segways Still Cops

It might come as a surprise that Penn’s security force is one of the largest private police forces in the country.


I Slept with My Professor and Got a Worse Grade

When I left, after a totally appropriate amount of time might I add, I thought all parties had an adequate experience, and adequate should be like a solid B I think. 


Bumble App to Only Let Bottoms Message First

However, we no longer live in a binary society of bashful woman and charming men. What about the coy gay bottoms and the dashing lesbian tops? What about the couples looking for a third? What about the little pig boys searching for the boots of a goddess to lick?


OP-ED: I’m Sick of Getting Cock Blocked by Fall Every Damn Day

Sometimes, when the high is 67°, I feel a sense of hope. I get a semi for fall. I might even drink hot tea. But then, the next day it's back to a cesspool of heat and I am left sweating, flaccid, and with no release.


Big Turn On: This Guy Showed Me a Clip of His High School Touchdown on Our First Date

Rogerson High School had been down 20-24 in the fourth quarter against their rivals, Ridgeport High School, with just 12 seconds on the clock. The team had the ball at its own 30-yard line, and prospects were grim. That’s when Coach Matt told the team to play a hail mary like they’d practiced.


To Save Money, Pottruck Will Only Stay Open First 5 Days of Semester

According to Campus Recreation Director Dr. Saul Marsh, “the gym basically goes empty after week one.


OP-ED: I Can’t Drink Coke Anymore Without Tasting Bottom-Shelf Vodka

The sweet, idyllic taste of my childhood has now been tainted with the harsh, nauseating taste of hand sanitizer. 


Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.


Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!


Student to Interview for Wharton MBA Program Fastens Ski Ticket to Arc'teryx

Applebaum suddenly remembered that Wharton MBA Admissions doesn't accept students who don’t know how to ski. When asked about the policy, Eric Chambers from the MBA Admissions Office commented “Just as we expect scores on the GMAT, we expect that students know how to ski."


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