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​​12 Facts About Penn You Definitely Didn't Know

Did you know the 6-year undergraduate graduation rate is 102%?


Mom's Pressed! I Snuck Our Dog, Nae-Nae, Into My Carry-on and Moved Her Into the Dorms

Mother, please. I know you’re upset but I hope you’ll understand.


New Year, New Friends: My Fridge Became Home to 20 New Organisms During My Time Away

The mice had found the cheese, classic. The moths were swarming my intermittently functional fridge light. A new set of morels had begun to sprout from a set of button mushrooms I had previously purchased at Trader Joe’s.


Model UN Staffer’s Phone Filled With WAY Too Many Videos of Underage Kids

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 


Damn: Exchange Student in Class Not the Sexy Type of Foreign

She was eating boiled potatoes and some sort of dried fish. Gross. Damn. It was like 10:00am.



SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!



Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.


I’m A Communications Major and Consumer Psych Minor, But I’m Different. I Like Uncut Cock.

Don't worry about the hyperlinks, they're safe to click. I promise. 


Breaking: Girl Who Has Her Dad’s Card on Her Uber Account Venmo Requests You for Last Night

Sisterhood is forever, and so are Venmo receipts.


OP-ED: Action Items? Deliverables? What Happened to Hip Mobility?

You anguished for nine months over something stupid. Now you can be normal. 


UTB's Ins and Outs for 2024

Number 4 Will Shock You


Clem-In-Time: The Smashed Week-Old Cutie at the Bottom of My Backpack Just Saved Me From Spending $5 on a Slice of Coffee Cake

The coffee cake beckons to me. “Please Justine. I know you disavow coffee cake for illegitimate reasons of ‘I have no coffee in me, I’m all sugar, and you’d rather have your black coffee and occasional cortado burn a hole in your stomach,’ but please Justine, I’m only $3. I’m rose glazed. Wouldn’t you like to know what a rose tastes like?”


Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

Marc Rowan's Awesome Day


OP-ED: This Is the Scariest Place on Campus

 I shudder every time I walk past. 


OP-ED: Oh, You Go To School Just Outside of Boston? Like, Tufts?

Boston? Is that in Massachusetts? 


Is This the Cultural Diaspora? I Experience Loss and Confusion After Acme Moves Ethnic Food Section

You’ll imagine my profound disorientation when I couldn’t find the “ethnic section” complete with tostadas, instant madras curry, white people trying to make TikTok cucumber salad, and of course, my Lee Kum Kee Sauce Chili Garlic - 8 oz.


Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day

We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.


Op-Ed: What the Hell is an ABG?

ABG? I think one of my friends interned there last summer.


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