“I definitely need a change of scenery,” said Cofield, “Instead of wasting away in my house, I’d much rather waste away in my Domus apartment that I didn’t pay for. Time really does go fast when your brain is dripping out of your ears and nose.” 

All of my friends have been assigned rooms in actual dorms. Honestly, I felt kinda bad for them. They kept going on and on about how "I have a kitchen now" and I didn't have the heart to point out that living in a dumpster is like living with an all you can eat buffet

While rising seniors are struggling with the uncertainty, Penn’s star-studded squad of super super seniors is taking it even harder. 

It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such. I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom. 

Student dorms were raided for their packed up belongings and anything of value was sacrificed to the University. In the end, over a thousand Canada Goose jackets were collected, raising close to a million dollars for the University. Next, alcohol was collected and resold to the nearby frats that are prepping for the largest social gatherings they’ve ever had come fall.

To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly. Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. 

 “I care about our children’s education,” said President Trump. “It’s so important, it’s a matter of life or death.” 

I make the majority of my yearly salary listening to students who live in the quad freak out thinking they have skin cancer or something, when it's really just Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. From a dermatological perspective, the Penn campus wasn't that safe health-wise before the pandemic. There's nothing to lose!" - Dr. Rose Clearskin, Dermatologist at Wartz B Gone Practice

Assuming Kanye wins every toss-up vote, every Democratic-leaning vote, and every Republican-leaning vote, he will have secured a total of 225 electoral college votes, easily beating out both Biden and Trump.  

Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat!

Our projection shows that even when you factor in every game being canceled due to the global pandemic, there will be exactly the same amount of students not showing up as there were in previous years.

When I woke up to see #Disneyisoverparty on Twitter, I thought to myself, "No way! Surely it would take more than some angry Twitter users to end a billion-dollar corporation." But this is America, fellas. This, not Disney, is the land where dreams come true. 

The words “Hallelujer!” echoed through the Church belfry as Pastor Smith, Head of Penn’s Christian Association, rejoiced in the news of a socially-distanced fall.

“I think the plan is great,” said College senior Malachi Constant. “Professors can stay home and be closer to family, while all students can be on campus and party-I mean, study together.”

"I always carried around the weight that I was rejected from Princeton — it was a point of shame for a long time, but after hearing Princeton's fall plan, I don't feel bad anymore. I feel like Penn is a better fit for me than Princeton ever would have been.

 Drain cleaner? Check. Some weird unlabeled bottle? Check. A splash of bleach and detergent? Check. Maybe it should’ve been a red flag when all these items appeared on the WikiHow article titled “How to Make A Home-made Bomb”, but clearly if he just mixed the chemicals the right way, everything would turn out perfectly. 

"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out." 

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”