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In Photos: Expanded Green Spaces on Campus (Thanks Amy!)

UTB was told by construction officials that they have begun the search for new green spaces! That excavator is digging away, searching for that sweet, sweet green that lies just beneath High Rise Field.


“Works Every Time”: Chief Wellness Officer Suggests Microdosing Parental Affection

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.


Group of Penn Geologists Discover Massive Underground Cave System in Minecraft

The group's biggest concerns are griefers, hackers, and creepers. But so far, so good. 


OP-ED: Here's Why 'Royals' by Lorde Is Already the Best Song of 2019

Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Billboard take heed: quit searching now, because the best song of 2019 is already here, and baby it rules (it rules, it rules, it rules).


Short King! This Girl Is Taking E.T. to Her Date Night

She fell for him freshman year when she saw him riding down Spruce in a children's bike basket.


Religious Studies Professor Discovers God Made Eve to Improve Adam’s Ratio

Adam doth wanted to go to a Snakes fraternity party, but the bro at the front door was all like, ‘thou shalt take a lap and come back with ye woman because the ratio inside’s fucked.


Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.


Girl with New Glossier Products Excited to Redefine Herself This Semester as 'Dewy'

She’s going to be so moist all the time. Her youthful glow is going to figuratively, and maybe even literally, deflect any and all crusty objects that attempt to penetrate her sweet, slippery face. 


Penn InTouch Login to Include Sending a Nude Photo to pennintouchdeveloper@upenn.edu

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."


Genius: Wharton Grads' Startup Is the Warby Parker of Fingerless Gloves

"There are countless people in the world who need the warmth of a glove but demand the agility of bare fingers. When you buy a pair of Dexter Gloves, you'll know that you're helping someone else be able to play the guitar or use a touch screen in moderately cold weather."


Fossil Fuel Divestment ‘Economically Infeasible,’ Say Trustees Sipping Petroleum From Champagne Flutes

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.


OP-ED: I See You Viewed My Instagram Story, and, Yes, I'll Marry You

It was so forward of you, tapping on my story like that and watching it.


5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover

School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.


How to Pick the Best Restaurants on Campus to Take Your Visiting Family to Drown Out Your Arguments

If you’re going to have a fight with your family, you might as well plan for it to be at one of campus’ most argument-accommodating restaurants. Here’s how to choose.


Without a Super Bowl Parade, Students Are Just Taking Wednesday Off

No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday. 


Philly Public Transit Rebrands as SEPTÆ to Appeal to Penn Students

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.


21 Savage Gets Snap Bid from Owls

"All of us at Owls are rooting for 21, and we hope this whole ICE rubbish gets sorted out soon."


Quiz: Phone Number or Amy Gutmann's Salary?

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!


Oat Milk is DTF — Are You?

From behind trembling lips, you cough up the words “one oat milk chai, please.” 


Report: 100% of People That Watch Super Bowl for Ads Are Quirky and Different

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.” 


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