What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.

Enough is enough. I think it’s finally time to address the gender relations within the setting society refers to as “&pizza.” 

Why is there a massive gap between the refrigerator and the back wall that is the perfect size of a lasagna? 

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.

Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!

This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House. 

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”

I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.

Is this the end for meritocracy?

*Hacks up a lung*

I think you may have misread the application. We asked you to submit two satire articles, not fourteen acrostic poems about how much you love your mom

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.” 

 Spending hundreds of dollars to see American-made pop stars and being duped into seeing a maple syrup manufacturer’s spawn — absurd 

Yeah, for sure, let’s get dinner.

But now I am on the adderall, and the unfortunate thing is that I am, in fact, experiencing the sensation of being on adderall. 

Though primarily a lengthy plea to Penn to let professors masturbate at home, the petition also cited mild concerns over the rising COVID-19 infection rates.

Only when the white cis-male is free can we all be free.

Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.

Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!

It can be hard to tell!