Letter from the Editor: I'm Sorry I Can't Be Him
It’s come to my attention that I’ll never be an antique bison. Try as I might, I am only a twenty-fifth of it’s size, far less stately than I once had hoped.
Most Recent
While the World Is Literally Burning, Thank You NYT for the Five New Paella Recipes
Yeah yeah, Trump did call the Prime Minister of Italy ‘Giuseppe Spaghetti’ today, but I’m blissfully distracted by these delicious new paella recipes.
There’s No Need To Lock Up The Lab’s Drugs, Says Guy Who’s Definitely Not Stealing The Lab’s Drugs
Again, we should definitely keep the coke cabinet unlocked. It’s just logical.
CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ
"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."
Three Things You Can Do Instead of Greek Life
You don’t need parties to have fun. For example, one great way to pass the time is to watch paint dry.
Junior Waits an Hour for P Sweater, Realizes She Only Knows Two Members of Her Class
Adam First
Monday, Dec. 9, 2019Mon, Dec 9, 2019
Lucky for everyone, two measly hours is more than enough time to find and categorize sweaters for over 2000 individuals.
OP-ED: Can We Fix Democracy Somewhere Besides Perry World House?
We can hardly fix these problems in the U.N., but for some reason, at 5 P.M. on Tuesday, I have to pack my stuff up so you can try to fix it in a literal house. It just seems personal.
OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late, but Hey I Brought a Small Sandwich Just for Me
Sorry to anyone who doesn't enjoy the smell of chipotle mayo.
Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night
“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."
What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything
When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”
NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints
Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.
New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers
Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.
Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users
Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?”
Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final
The Cyber Truck is so sleek and definitely does not look like a race car from a 1990's video game.
Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award
Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.
New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring
Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time.
Going Abroad Party So Indulgent Student Not Allowed to Return
One Penn student is already regretting the enormous party he’s throwing for himself. Evan Du (W ‘21) invited every single person he’s ever spoken with to his “I’m going to England” party, before realizing he would never be allowed back to Penn.
22-Year-Old Becca Proudly Adding McKinsey’s 'Concentration Camp Team' to LinkedIn
With her quick little update, she’d shown all of the finance bros in her senior year classes who really was the best and brightest — by working to starve migrant children.
Just Because Your Dick Itches Doesn't Mean You Can Adjust in Lecture, Jeremy
It’s just that when you’re tugging at your meat clappers right in front of me, I can’t help but feel 1) slightly uncomfortable and 2) slightly disgusted. And Lord knows, I am not the only one in that lecture who has noticed.
