News
Such Beautiful Weather: I Can Finally Gallop Shirtless Through the Quad Again Like the Stallion I Am
You try to speak. I silence you with a forceful yet caring neigh. You gaze into my eyes, stunned at my display of horsey power. I lean in and whisper into your ear the wise words of 90’s R&B icon Ginuwine: Ride this pony.
Incensed Local Homeowner Kelly Writer Kicks Depressed Wordsmiths Out of Her House
Dozens of lost souls roam the rainy campus in search of a warm, quiet place to consume pop culture and do vape tricks.
Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian
After setting up headquarters in the lounge, the group proclaimed that they will be holding hostages until a “high rise 4BR with a pretty view” opens up.
CAPS Starts Therapy Group for Girls Who Rushed to Find “Strong Sisterhood”
The girls have already formed close bonds and decided to create their own pseudo-sorority, titled in the typical Greek fashion: “Yo Gabba Gabba”.
Stupid Bitch! My Sorority Big Is Just as Lost in Life as I Am!
Big-Little season brings hope for a prosperous future but it is all one great big lie and no one actually knows what’s going on.
What’s Wrong With Him?! This Man Posted Something on Sidechat That Isn’t Totally Miserable
Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?!
Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program
Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn's finest dining establishments.
Penn Marriage Pact, Penn Crushes: Penn Engineers Just So Horny
Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone.
Commons Lowkey Sceney Tonight! I See My One Friend Over There
Soupe du jour? Friendship.
We’re Both Thinking It: Let’s Turn This Coffee Chat Into a Crack-Cocaine Chat
Oh, what’s my major? I’m really glad you asked, it’s LET’S CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT AND SMOKE SOME CRACK-COCAINE.
Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again
“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”
Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!
Yes, 90% of the rush class are freshmen, they will all do pretty much everything without you, and the only other sophomore is a little weird, but that's part of it!
Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?
Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic.
Okay, Downgrade: Harrison Pipe Burst Refugees Flee to Philadelphia Four Seasons
Flood, shmlood.
“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture
Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.
It's About the Journey, Not the Destination: The Construction Outside College Hall is a Blessing in Disguise
Honestly, I'm feeling really optimistic about all this.
OMG They’re Gonna Love It: College Green Fence Masks Surprise Low-Income Housing Project
After we literally had sex with each other, Liz excitedly told me about the board’s plans for College Green.
"Join UTB!" Begs Shell of Man Who Made Few Good Jokes One Time
We are once again asking for your sometimes hilarious applications
SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages
It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs.