News
Sheesh: This Homeless Man Just Told You He’ll Also Take Venmo
Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!
Finally! Penn Dems Adds New Affinity Group for Blue-Eyed Blondes
The oppressed majority.
Marry Me? I Love the Way You Say Words You Don’t Know How To Pronounce At Three Times Normal Speed
Don’t mince words, butcher them.
Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman
I mean...what a fucking creep, right?
Penn Global Institute for Human Rights Commissioned to Solve Age-Old Dilemma “Is Squirt Just Pee?”
This inquiry, pitched to the Penn Carey Law Global Institute for Human Rights, required an elite force of thinkers to tackle the case.
Omg, Nooo! Girl Whose Texts I’m Reading in Front of Me Tells Friend This Class Is Boring, Friend Agrees
You are so bored and I know how much you hate that.
Girl in Photography Class Who You Thought Was Cool Shows Pictures from Her Fall Break: Actually Upper-Middle Class and Suburban
Scaaaarsdale. Scarsdalé. Dalé! Like Pitbull! Wow. That’s worldly.
All Donors Matter: I’m No Longer an Organ Donor Because I Hate Liz Magill
Now, if I die in combat – as I drive my digital billboard truck – there is no way that anyone at Penn or Liz Magill (we’re both Type O) will receive my bleeding heart, my “BRN” eyes, or my fat ass.
Pledging is Over: Girl in Your Seminar Who Wears Animal Onesie Just Weird
Like did she get in or not?
Sniffling Lil Bitch Boy Thinks Using Tissues Makes Him Unmanly
Sniffle, sniffle, little bitch.
Crippling Social Anxiety? Here Are UTB's Top 5 Tips on How to Walk Down Locust
We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 — the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for?
Duos This, Gardens That; I Just Wanna Party Party Party Till My Panties Fall Off
When I next put on some groovy flared jeans, I will shake ass. I will party party party till my panties fall down.
REPORT: $80 For a Farm Wristband Seems Like a Lot, Phi Delt Brother Acknowledges
What if we were so far removed from it all that the lie became the truth?
Nevertheless She Persisted! Girl Puts on Light Sweater in Cold Lecture Hall, Makes it Known
Cold lecture hall, be gone. Git!
Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts
The brothers, sisters, and siblings sought to address the low BMIs and high protein powder intakes of their members. You can guess which problem each house is afflicted with.
Career Services Guide: Companies Hiring and Accepting Sexual Favors for Summer 2024
Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages.
PenAlert: Penn Launches New Emergency System for When Your Dumbass Classmate Loses Their Apple Pencil
UPDATE: Pencil FOUND under a chair in the Moelis Reading Room. Police and Allied Security patrolling the area. You may resume normal activity.
Back to the Golden Days: I Announce Post BA Plans To Be an RA in the Quad
Freshmen of the future, I’m coming for you.
Insider’s Scoop: What They’re Not Telling You About UTB’s Writer Strike
The majority of what you heard about this writing publication is true: half of us are gay, half of us are going into consulting, all of us are an NYC 8 at least.
