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News


Upsetting: This Balding Man is Actually a CIS Freshman

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.


Meet the Kid Who Flunked Out of School While Waiting for His ExtraCare Card Receipt at CVS

Kauffman intended to be in and out of the store in under 10 minutes.


Heroic Student Bankrupts Publisher, Destroys Capitalism by Downloading PDF Copy of Textbook

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”


Group Project Member Disagrees with Team’s Idea, Remains Silent yet Judgmental

“My group is making tons of simple errors, but I would rather knowingly lose a few points here and there than confront them about it and make them feel bad."


Didn't Have a Valentine This Year? Haha Loser Get Fucked

The closest thing to flowers you got on Valentines day was a bag of Hot Cheetos that you bought for yourself — and Cheetos aren't even anything like flowers.


Sad! This Buffoon Lost All His Worldly Possessions in a Pottruck Locker

Like an absolute moron, Adams threw all of his worldly possessions, consisting of his backpack, PennCard, and Canada Goose jacket, into a locker, heeding no mind to its number, not knowing that he would never see any of these items ever again.


Ignoring Venmo Requests Now to be Considered a White-Collar Crime

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf gave an impassioned speech this week calling neglected Venmo requests an “epidemic” and a “total dick move, guys.”


Sophomore Pleads 5th Amendment in Class After Not Doing Readings

Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.


Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop

While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice. 


Herd Is the Word: How One Junior’s Ranching Club Is Shaking up Campus

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."


Feeling Cow Sick? Here Are 4 Cures For When You Miss Your Favorite Dairy Cow

You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!” 


Hey Samantha! Liking Oat Milk Isn’t a Personality Trait

It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it. 


OP-ED: I Am Declaring a National Emergency Until I Get a Summer Internship

I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.


Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.


Meet the CIS 160 Student Who Hasn’t Slept Since Syllabus Week

There has not been a single night since syllabus week when I haven’t had to stay up to finish a problem set.


"I'm So Busy I Barely Have Time to Eat," Says Student Who Drinks 7 Days a Week

By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat.


Wow! This Student Spent the Entire Class Period Choosing Between Two Pairs of Shoes and Made No Final Decision

Despite claims that she has “no time” to do the dishes, clean her room, or make plans with friends, she found an entire hour in her schedule to browse through four websites for shoes during class. 


Political Science Student Bases Entire Political Knowledge on John Oliver Specials

Pearson has stopped attending lectures and instead sits in his Radian apartment, rewinding the comedy specials in the dark, chuckling manically at the dry humor of the bespectacled man he considers to be his Knowledge God. 


Courage Personified: This Foreign Girl Smokes All Over Penn’s Tobacco-Free Campus

Morozov inhales tar deep into her lungs as often as she can.


"I'll Just Ace the Final" and Five Other Signs You're About to Fail This Course

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.


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