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Sophomore Holds Out 'Til Zoom Call Ends Before Devolving Into Loathsome, Slovenly Creature

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”

Penn Frosh Excited to Thrive at Penn in Pain at Home

So what if I’m stuck at home with overbearing parents, shitty wifi, and the inability to go beyond my backyard?

Please, No More: Sophomore Desperate After Fifth Wholesome, Home-cooked Meal of Week

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

Leaders in Every Field Announce Kelsey’s Twitter Has Never Been Wrong on Anything

Costello did not respond to a request from Under the Button for comment. Those close to Costello say she wasn't surprised by the news and, felt that something like this was coming.   

College Junior Sets World Record for Most La Croix in a Day

 After months of practice and training, College junior Damian Trout set the world record for “Most Cans of La Croix consumed in a day” at 241 cans.  

Only Gym Bro With Access to Weights Now Chad Among Chads

As the only brother with access to weights, Jacob was now a god among now-emaciated men. 

Penn Administration Cancels Semester After Learning Coronavirus Still Actually Exists

The decision reportedly comes after Amy Gutmann watched the news and learned that the coronavirus hadn't just "sorta gone away."  

Breaking: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

This is a closing time reference! 

Practical! Penn Expects Big Money From Student Tuition and HUP Medical Bills This Fall

"The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with this fall, frankly, makes me start salivating,” confirmed the chairman of Penn's Board of Trustees. 

TikTok Ban Does More For National Security Than CIA in Past 70 Years

“It’ll definitely be more effective than anything we’ve done before, like propping up oppressive military dictatorships, funding and supplying  terrorists, and attempting coups on sovereign nations.”  

Penn Dining Publishes 23 Step Process Required to Cancel Meal Plan

Each step is revealed one at a time, forcing students to complete them in order from 1 to 23. Only after all 23 steps have been completed will a student's meal plan be canceled.

Travelocity Fires Gnome Leaving Him No Way to Pay for His Drug Addiction.

The ongoing pandemic has affected people all over the world, but no one seems to have been hit quite as hard as the Travelocity Gnome. Due to intense travel restrictions, Travelocity has been forced to make cutbacks, including laying off their spokesperson, the famous globetrotting garden gnome.

Penn Provides Free COVID Testing (Included with all Purchases $80,000 or More)

Coming to a school near YOU for THIS FALL ONLY, you can get your VERY OWN COVID-19 testing kit for FREE! Every Penn student will be provided with no less than TWO free COVID-19 testing kits prior to the start of the fall semester!

New COVID Guidelines Asking All Students to Return to Campus and Sit Very, Very Still

The administration is doubling down on asking students to return to campus with, “open hearts, a desire for fun, and a desire, but no commitment, to staying absolutely motionless for a considerable amount of time in accordance with our compact.”

Students Upset That There Will Be No Virtual Halal Truck

Penn has already moved lectures, recitations, NSO, and other activities online. However, Penn has not been able to find a method to move halal trucks online. 

California Earthquake is Start of Doomsday

"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing."

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester

Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida.  

I Joined a Cult: Now I Want to Go Back to Campus

In the midst of my musings, the realization that my doubts were sinful hit me. I immediately sought to repent. I drove to campus to confess my wrongdoing and seek forgiveness. As I, sweaty and tired from the drive, pounded on the gates of The Honorable President Gutmann's estate, I was delivered. She arrived.

Party Girl Jessica Has "Officially Retired" From Drinking for the Fifth Time This Year

It’s not even like a coronavirus problem. It’s just a me problem. Parties just aren’t as fun as they used to be. Once you wake up after blacking out in someone’s room for the fifth time in a week you really start to wonder what you’re doing, you know? 

University Admits "Hybrid Experience" a Typo, Should Have Been "Online"

While of course, safety comes first and I would never want professors teaching in-person if they weren't comfortable with it, I was struggling to see how the University could call the fall semester a hybrid experience. Fortunately, I was able to interview President Gutmann and now, it all makes sense to me!