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Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)

Penn, please do better. I don’t want to go over the balcony and turn myself into a pile of hairy strawberry ice cream. Especially in Fisher-Bennett Hall.  

High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”

Reminder: You Are Always Unmuted in Person

 “Oh no, not this cunt again.” 

Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.

Prankster "Poopy Doopy" is Supersaturating New College House with Poop

Poopy Doopy, reveal yourself before you run out of poop. We will embrace you with open arms and open bowels. 

1920 Commons to be Renamed 1620 Lords

While conducting refinancing amidst the plague, the royal court administrators hath decided to sell the majority of the institution to Charles I, king of England and, now, his lordship of the University of Pennsylvania. 

Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them

"I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too." | Megan Striff-Cave

Anticipation Turns to Anger as Students Realize In-Person Learning Actually “Worse”

One student expressed anger at the new reality of having to “actually learn shit,” an experience she felt was best relegated to the past. 

Junior Revisits Thriving At Penn Modules to Figure out Where It All Went Wrong

After two “pretty sub-par” years, Cooper has decided to go back to the root of her high expectations: the Thriving at Penn Canvas modules. 

Cool! Second Year Orientation Just Safe Sex Puppet Show

Held from 8:30-10:00 pm on the first Friday Night of NSO, this mandatory event is going to be a crowd favorite.

Alarming! Mom and Dad Really Belt Billy Joel During Family Road Trip

A few songs in, the whole car was really jamming. Then... it happened. Track 5 was Uptown Girl, Dad's favorite song on the CD. Boy, did he let it rip.

Wow! Virtual Internship Just as Helpful as Virtual School

The study looked at statistics such as the percentage of participants whose camera is on, daily time spent on work/school, skills acquired, and overall participant enjoyment to inform the educated and mathematical assessment.

Student Skips Summer Bod, Goes Straight to Winter Bod

"It's not like I was planning on going to the beach or anything because of COVID, but I'm also not one to sit around. I get restless and always need to be actively doing something, so I figured I get a head start on sculpting my post-Thanksgiving figure." 

Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.

Junior Who Had 8 Months on Campus Excited to Claim Superiority Over Baby Underclassmen

Since the seniors are checked out, and nobody else has really been to campus, it seems like juniors are going to rule the school.

Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.

UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 

Uh-Oh! Flooding in Germany Suddenly Gutmann’s Problem

Despite the flooding tragedy, Gutmann is ready to hit the ground running—or swimming—and solve some problems.