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News


Spring Break Group Who Forgot to Plan Trip Ahead Arrives at Fifth Museum of the Day

“We don’t really know where to go, but I love German art. We’re big museum guys. This is great,” he lied. The group plans to tour the Berlin nightlife, but has only a faint understanding of the club scene.


Justice for All: Frats on Campus Collectively Denounce Wharton China Business Society Amid Hazing Ban

In response to the news, Penn’s Interfraternity Council members, representatives from fraternities across campus, released a joint statement denouncing WCBS’s blatant disregard for students’ mental and physical wellbeing.


Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”


Amazing! This Chem Student Inadvertently Learned Metric Conversions by Dealing Ganj

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.


Student Disturbed to Learn That Attractive, Well-Spoken Classmate Also Really Nice

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.


Beats Pill Announced as 2019 Commencement Speaker

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.


Aw: This Couple Is Matching with the Same Wheezing Cough

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!


"I Hate My Life" Complains Student Experiencing Best 4 Years of Her Life

Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.


Oh No: Timothee Chalamet Spotted Loitering in the Peach Aisle of FroGro Again

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.


Curve Breaker: Wharton Student Hires Crisis Actors to Fail Econ

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.


Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.


Whole Girl Gang Ready to Develop Deep Hatred of Each Other in Cabo This Spring Break

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.


Kanye Names His Child New College House West

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.


Math Professor Nakia Rimmer’s Lecture Recordings Sweep Oscars

Math professor Nakia Rimmer’s lecture recordings were a smash success at the 91st Academy Awards last night in Los Angeles. The recordings were nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actor. They won them all.


Penn Admissions Officers Retire en Masse to Avoid 10 Years of Reading Oscar Hopefuls’ Essays

We’ll probably have to close Engineering and Nursing and just dump the endowment on Cinema Studies.


English Major to Graduate Having Read First 10 Pages of Hundreds of Great Books

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.


Impressive: This Junior Is Somehow Only in One Club

Surprisingly, Beth not only has a social life without 4 clubs scheduling her entire weekend, but she also has more time for the almost extinct practices of "exploring the city" and "exercising."


Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Fraternity Plans Spring Break Trip to Southeast Asia to ‘Find Themselves’

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.


Student Unsure of How Much Detail of Gastrointestinal Distress to Include in Extension Request

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.


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