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Chinese Government Announces New 5G-Enabled COVID-20

These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!

Joe Biden Doesn't See Red States and Blue States. He Sees a One State Solution

Biden has famously responded: “Palestinians have to learn to stop viewing their opponents as enemies”, “I love Hamas! I put it on my falafel all the time” and, “Israel? What’s that?”

Hot Girls Stay Winning! Meet Tropical Storm Theta

 We at UTB have one thing to say to Tropical Storm Theta – yaaaasss and slay!!! 

Quiz: How Many Lectures Have You Watched While Shitting?

Have you shitted while in writing seminar?

REPORT: "Dreams and Nightmares" Heard Blasting Non-Stop From Joe Biden's Delaware Home

Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"

Crazy: Only People Who Finished Their Assigned Readings Can View This Article

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!

Anonymous Poet Wins Professor of the Year Award

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”

Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”

Next Edison? Joe Biden Wins Electrical College

 “The country has become too charged and too polarized, and we must dissipate all the energy. We must also work to regain positive flux in terms of trade and economics. We also cannot be alternating between red and blue. We must be direct. Directly American”. 

Tornado Destroys Philly, Caused By Universal Sigh of Relief

This phenomenon had an extraordinary effect that meteorologists haven’t seen since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989 and the end of the Great Boston Molasses Flood in 1919: all the air leaving people’s lungs at once caused a giant tornado. 

Upping the Policy, Penn Will Allow 75 Students on Campus This Spring!

Just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified in the latest email. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 

ACB Not Racist, She Has Haitian Children!

Amy Coney Barrett might hate the gays, but she sure does love minorities! 

His Duty Fulfilled, Alex from Penn Dems Re-enters Hibernatory Cryo-Chamber

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.

None of Our Articles As Funny as Four Seasons Total Landscaping Debacle

There is literally nothing else for me to add to make the situation funnier than it is

SPORTS REPORT: Penn Basketball Already Recruiting 6-Foot-6-Inch Forward Barron Trump

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 

As Nation Implodes, Nevada Takes Time for Self Care

Sure it might seem simple enough to just count the motherfucking ballots already, considering like 45 states did it in a day, but Nevada looks to Pennsylvania and finds the justification it needs. “If Pennsylvania hasn’t gotten their shit together either, it’s okay because I probably won’t be the last one.”  

Canvas: The New Dating App to Meet Old, Married Professors

Hiiiiiiiiiii, KittyKat69SeX411 here! Long time SeekingArrangment user, short time student. I took advantage of the add/drop period, by surfing Canvas pages to find the sad little married fucks in need of some dick tickling. 

US President Elected Peacefully and Democratically

 Not expecting riots as a result of the election, businesses have chosen to not board up their windows, continuing the unbroken legacy of businesses not needing to board up their windows for an election.  

Wayfair Pleased Everyone Forgot It Was Accused of Child Trafficking

Since the summer, Wayfair executives have been able to kick their feet up and relax after a stressful coverup. They were able to crack open a cold one with the boys surrounded by the storage cabinets that they deny ever contained any human beings.