News


Slow Down There Pardner! I Ain’t Lookin' to Duel—It’s Just so Cold I Put My Hands in My Front Pockets

Woah there bucko! Git that duelin’ look out yer eyes.


Thoughtful Roommate Leaves Dirty Pan Out for Next User

Local hero Dana Klein (C ’20) had both the environment and her roommate’s wellbeing in mind last Thursday when she left her dirty pan on the stove after cooking a somehow-burnt batch of scrambled eggs.


Wow! Student Downloads F.lux, Gains Power of The Sun

For years, Gene Klein (W ’21) has been complaining about his lack of sleep.


Penn Research Study Shows if One More Person Talks to Me Today I Will Fucking Lose It

New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.


'Where in New Jersey Are You From?' and 3 Other Stupid Questions Only Penn Students Ask

Oh, you're from South Jersey? Well, no one cares.


Penn Wellness Initiative Announces Plan To Gently Kiss Every Student On The Forehead, Tell Them They Have A Cute Smile

The Penn Wellness Initiative announced their plan to improve mental health on campus by lightly kissing each student on their foreheads and say “You have such a cute smile” before lifting their lips from their skin.



BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder

Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.


Penn Launches New Haunted House Attraction, Literally Just DRL

After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.


Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman

Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.


BREAKING: Guy Wearing Lacrosse Hat, Shorts, Backpack, and Jacket on Lacrosse Team

Wow! Talk about a superstar athlete.


New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth

In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.


Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold

Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.


First Canada Gooses Spotted on Campus! Is It That Cold or Is Everyone Dressed like a Douchebag for Halloween?

As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year.


Mortifying: This Student Accidentally Called Her Professor 'My Wife' in Borat Voice

Calling your professor "mom": it happens to every college student at some point or another, and it never fails to humiliate all involved.


Penn Quaker Method Acting to Prepare for Starring Role in New Horror Franchise

The full moon hung low and yellow over Locust as Sarah Lambert (E '20) recounted her traumatic encounter with Penn's mascot last Wednesday to UTB reporters.


OP-ED: I Don’t Care About Romance I Care About Platform Sandals

Listen up. I literally do not care who you are or what your name is. 


Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend

To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.


Facilities Knocks on Freshman’s Dorm Right When the Porn Gets Good

At 2:00 p.m. every Monday afternoon, College freshman Ashley Smithbank’s roommate leaves for her Math 104 recitation, which means that the Masturbation Monday festitivies can commence.


Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?


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