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News


Life Fuel: Starbucks Claims that "You Spin Me Right Round Baby Right Round Like a Record Baby Right Round Round Round"

This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.


Photo Essay: Why Don't You Care That We're In The Poconos?

Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos.


Oops! Magill Approves Penn's First Fleet of Fighter PILOTs

In an official statement, Magill responded to critics: “To our activists of color, I hear you. I am listening. Next time, I will try and listen a little more closely, though — I think I know what PILOTs are now.”


BREAKING: Women of Penn Wet for the First Time in Years

Here we all are. Together, on Penn‘s campus, in Philly, and, most importantly, wet.


How To Dry Your Socks In Class Without Anyone Noticing

Pour liquid nitrogen onto your feet. Your feet are no longer wet, since they are now solid.


Hell Yeah! MERT Has Motorcycles Now

Is getting MERTed... finally cool? 


Wharton Announces New Minor in White-Collar Crime for Class of 2027

The new curriculum was made possible due to a generous endowment from the Ponzi Foundation.


Penn Leasing the Radian Next Year? We Are All Just Dust on a Rock Floating in Space

They will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together.


Guy That Seemed Super Mysterious Turned Out to Have Just Grown up Mormon

I should have known when he said he had a lot of family in Utah.


Diversity Win! Class of 2026 Most Diverse Cohort of High-Net-Worth Individuals

55% of the freshman class identifies as BIPOC (Businesspeople, Investors, People of Capital).


Girl Visiting Bookstore to Buy Tote Bag Only (Maybe Notebook)

It’s just so hard being so bookish all the time.


Aww: Blondes Argue With Other Blondes About Diversity

Ugh, this is not sliving, Becky!


Woah! Mid-Tier Influencer/PPE Major Realizes the Internet Is Already Over

This kid definitely went to Exeter.


DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!


Wowza! Locust Walk Reimagined Thanks to Penn-BlackRock Partnership

Preposterous! Sure, snake-game tile patterns work for the technocratic healthcare managers of the world, but the New Sincere era calls for more garish tile displays. 


"Step One, Roth IRA...": Wharton Freshman Advises Displaced Philadelphia Residents

Steps 4 and 5 are to get a couple hundred thousand dollars from your father. If the displaced residents follow this simple 5-step plan, they should be Main Line homeowners in no time. 


EXCLUSIVE: The Inside Scoop on Liz Magill’s Synesthesia

When shown the Stanford insignia, reminiscent of her former employer, Magill responded, “Somewhere between Elizabeth Holmes and petrichor.”


Penn Introduces New Study A Broad Program

At the end of the semester, participating students will be required to give presentations to the Penn community on what they learned from their time studying a broad, such as whether or not she is a vibe. 


I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw

“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?” 


Slay Yes, Mama! Girl with Slicked Back Bun Goes to Gym to Walk on Treadmill for 10 Minutes

Is this the new face of student athletes? 


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