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Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby

“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”

Hungover Student Has to Explain to Parents Why He Donated to Michael Bennet’s Campaign

Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign.

Pew Research Center Finds That Majority of Americans Say “Pew Pew” When Firing Imaginary Gun

The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.

Perry World House to Get Even Bigger TV

Students on campus have long felt that the television in Perry World House was too small. Ruby Cheung, a sophomore in the college, told Under the Button reporters that the television was so small it made her embarrassed to be a Quaker.

From McKinsey to K-Pop: Wharton Alum Has Locked BTS in a Cage

When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.

Report: Funny Friend Actually Just Kinda Mean

It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.

Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?

Gay Rights! LGBT Center to Introduce Poppers on Tap

The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!

My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.

Senior Denied AI Internship by AI Interviewer

He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype. 

‘Rush is Just About Personality Fit!’ Says Rich Hot Friend

Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.

Ranking Women by Susan’s Personal Opinion is Actually Feminist, Assures Pan-Hellenic

“Feminism is all about empowering Susan, as well as those that Susan deems worthy of empowerment,” said the head of Penn Pan-Hellenic. "I promise we haven't misunderstood the concept."

Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.

What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  

Sophomore Develops Nicotine Addiction in Preparation for Semester Abroad in Europe

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad. 

Amy Gutmann Drops Lo-Fi Study Beats Playlist

“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.

Religious Student Writes ‘God Doesn’t Want Us to Know’ for Every Question on Astronomy Final

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.

'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 

CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."