"I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour."

Usually I am told that the reason for this emotional downpour is my kind face. I can’t change this about myself, believe me I’ve tried. So, I’ve devised a solution.

"Ballpark like … 800k. Y’know, not struggling, but not necessarily raking in the dough.”

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 

“I thought we would just hook up and then see each other on Tinder for the next few years, maybe run into each other at Commons. I’m not really sure what to say.” 

We salute Penn’s fraternities for their valiant efforts to raise money for such a pressing issue and hope that many follow in their elephant walk footsteps.

Why waste all of the time and money required for things like classes and professors?

Celebrate you. Celebrate poo.

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 

Got Depression? Not me!