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News


Fuck: Talented Writer in Your Creative Writing Workshop Is Actually in SEAS

On top of being talented in creative writing, Fiona was also exceedingly employable.


Kate Gives Up for Lent

Holy life tip: just give up.


Spring Stay? More Like Spring Slay

Honestly, I feel like the break was a little bit too long if you know what I mean… like for a second there I almost stopped thinking about the ten midterm assignments I have to turn in by Monday.


Penn Introduces Summer Stay, Graduation Stay: You're Staying Here Forever

You must resign and accept the fact that you are here again, and that you are staying here forever. 


Sara Excited for Spring Break-Down

It's time to process that year long PTSD! 


Breaking: In-Person Graduation Announced to be 'Nerds Only'

The move is severe, but not surprising, as Penn has a long and proud history of being a nerds-first school. 


5 Signs Your Asynchronous Professor Is Secretly Into You

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.


CDC Reports B.1.1.7 Variant Transmitted Through The Great British Bake Off

The CDC has confirmed our worst fears: the strain is transmitted through one of Americau2019s most beloved British shows, The Great British Bake Off.u00a0


Disappointing! Student With Four Papers to Write Actually Illiterate

"I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.


Penn Positive Psychology Center Preaches Positive Mindsets for Lower Positivity Rate

When Under the Button reached out for an interview an automated response screamed “POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY,” for a full 30 seconds 


New $200m Quad Renovation Will Make Buildings More Livable for Squirrels

 For some time it has been clear squirrels living in the Quad were getting a raw deal versus their brethren in the fit-for-a-giant-squirrel Lauder College House or even Hill. 


Campus Compact Misunderstanding? Frat Compacts Over 400 People from Campus Into House Party

As a result, last weekend the brothers of DUM were able to compact over 400 students from the Penn campus into their fraternity house.


Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

He later gave an artful account of how the Serv algorithm maximizes productivity while crushing workers’ spirit. 


Modern Day Gatsby? Open Tabs in Zoom Screenshare Clearly Curated for Single Student

Josiah Gordon declined our request for comment. He was last seen walking circles forlornly around the Bio Pond.


Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”


Religious Studies Professor Holds Smoke Sesh During Office Hours

"Mandatory office hours sounds like a drag, but my students have a blast. Literally.”


McDonald's Flag is Always at Half Mast Because They Don't Have Anyone Tall Enough To Put It at Full

 None of their employees are tall enough to put the flag at full mast. That pole is like 20ft tall. 


Quiz: Is the Pottruck Opening a Good Idea?

Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for  a little more money? 


Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”


Let’s Make One Thing Clear: Girls Like Bad Boys, And Bad Boys Break the Campus Compact

The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy.


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