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Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass

By foregoing vaccination altogether, Philadelphia city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.

Michael Prioritizing Self This Semester, Drops Every Class With A Canvas Page

The discussion post font makes me want to vomit, the app is so poorly organized that sometimes I really believe it’s worse than ‘Penn Eats’, and the ‘Zoom’ tab never. Has. The. Fucking. Link.

Sarah's Roommate Doesn't Do Dishes, Sarah Sends Her to COVID Prison

With trembling hands, she picked up her phone and went to the campus compact non-compliance form. She didn't want to do this to her best friend, but she had to.

Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.

YAHOO! University Announces Start of Loud Period

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

University Notification: Greek Life Requires Green Pass for Lively Affairs

Beginning sometime in the near future, students must have a green PennOpen Pass if they are attending any lively gatherings hosted by Greek Life organizations. 

Penn InTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation

Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

Shoot: Gutmann Forgot To Cancel Spring Semester

Don't worry, the semester isn't over yet! 

Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends

Although Penn may have encouraged first years to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers. 

Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever

Get on out there you amylase-generating animals!

3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma

The brothers noted that they brothers briefly considered adding ‘orgasm’ to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. 

Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden

Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021. 

0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.

Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry

In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”

“Hey Slut! Want A Free IUD?” Penn Medicine Pilots New Targeted Ads

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.

Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break

“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”  

In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.

Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes

I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.

AE A-XII Says First Word: $$%&*!!!

But how do you pronounce it? 

Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”