News


SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones

"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."


4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested

Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.


Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.


Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.


Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.


Innovative! Huntsman GSRs Turn Into 'Hotel Party,' But Don't Worry, My Wharton Friend Can Get You In

All nine Group Study Rooms were fit with a unique theme: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery — it was quite the hit!


Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.


BREAKING: Local Dog Population Fucking Pissed About This NCH West Business

Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.


Prank Stabbing in Fisher Fine Arts Just Leads to Irritated Shushing Noises

Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.


Doctors Who Did Surgery on a Grape Give Talk at Penn Med

"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."


Student’s Political Ideology Completely Changed After One Conversation With Drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.


Sophomore Creates Spotify Add-on That Automatically Turns on Private Mode When You Listen to 'Mo Bamba' Before 8 P.M.

Embarrassing! Sam Sun’s (C '21) Spotify followers totally saw him bopping to Sheck Wes’s "Mo Bamba" at 10 a.m.! “It helps me wake up,” he protested when asked about these claims.


Penn Dining Unveils Hummus Bar, Other New Vegan Dining Options That Are Also Just Hummus

"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"


Pottruck Ranked Best Gym for Aggressive Male Grunting

Though they agree that Pottruck deserves this honor, Penn students are split on whether the excessive grunting is something to be addressed or celebrated.


Student With 55 Tabs Open Hasn't Opened 51 of Them in Weeks

When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask.


Senior Turns 21, No One Gives a Fuck Cause Didn't That Happen Already? Wow, You're Young!

"I guess I’ll go, but if she wears a sash or posts a photo with those obnoxious balloons, I swear to God..."


We Got Him: Dean Furda is George Lopez

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.


Nice! Fellow Bathroom Patrons Can't Hear You Take Massive Shit If You Leave AirPods In

Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.


Bold Student Takes Initiative to Close Window in Chilly Classroom

Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.


BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now

“Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”


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