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News


WHARTON RANKED BEST BUSINESS SCHOOL. WHARTON RANKEDK BEST HUSINESS SHCOOL. WHARTON RANKEBEST BUSINESS SCHOOL.

THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIAS WHARTON SCHOOL AWAS NAMED THE COUNTRY'S TOP FULLTIE MBA PROGRAM IN THE 2020 US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT'S ANNUAL RANKING.


OP-ED: Strega Nona Is Really That Bitch

When you examine the book closely, you can know this from the start.


Hashtag Dope! Even This Student's Vomit Is on Theme for St. Patty's Day!

Students dartied in their most festive gear, but no one came out stuntin’ harder than Wharton junior Derek Harthman.


Quiz: Is It a Fever Dream or a Flashback to the Atlantic City Feb Club Event?

Your jacket is taken from you by a bouncer, even though you do not have a real shirt on underneath. A: You grow a new jacket and (score!) it's made of cotton candy. B: You pretend you have a skin disease, and the bouncer begrudgingly returns your jacket to you.


Sad! This Junior Got Tapped for a Senior Society but Not One of the Cool Ones

"So cool I got tapped. Anyone know when Friar's emails go out though?"


President Gutmann Reveals That Ben Franklin and the Quaker Mascot Had an 'Intense' Sexual Relationship

Many students were surprised to learn that the mascot — a fictional, generic caricature of a Quaker man — and actual Penn founder Ben Franklin had any relationship in University lore, much less one with a sexual dimension. Most were unaware they existed in the same literary universe at all.


OP-ED: Beto O’Rourke’s Butt Should Run for President

Politics, shmolitics. Beto has the vibe of the chill, hot, divorcee who skateboards when he’s not running a tech company in which everyone wears jeans. And his buttocks look damn good in those jeans.


Life Hack: Save on Stress Balls and Pop Your Pimples Instead

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.


Are You Genuinely Happy or Just a Frat Boy on a Power Trip?

Usually, your attitude toward life fluctuates here and there. Some days are good and hopefully fewer might be not so good. But, are you genuinely happy?


Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.


Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.


Study: Marijuana Not Linked to Behavioral Issues, Dad

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


Report: 97% of SHS Funding Goes to Futuristic Elevators Rather Than Healthcare

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.


Self-Care Win! Guy Takes Break from Math Homework and Does Physics Homework Instead

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.


Rachel Van Pelt Condemns Participants in College Bribery Scandal

1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.


'Never Do Drugs' Say Parents Who Said They Would Never Get Divorced

It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”


Courageous! This Vegan Convert Is Swearing off Man-Meat

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.


“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.


Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”


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