Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

News


Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 


Amy Gutmann Caught Stealing Spit From COVID-19 Tests to Make Designer Ivy League Babies

Do you want to be a parent, but don’t want to risk your kid being a total failure? Buy one of Amy Gutmann’s babies. 


“Assume Spherical Cow” and Other Phrases GUARANTEED to Turn Engineers On

 It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest. 


Student Stumbles Upon New Species of Locust Walk Tree

Is this a Magnolia tree? 


Self-Identified Extroverted Introvert? You Might Be Eligible for Lethal Injection

In the past several weeks, many Penn students have already received the injection by walking into the FEMA center and claiming the leftover shots.


BREAKING: Penn to Implement 10,080 Intermittent 'Engagement Minutes'

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”


Slay! Stephanie Really Hasn’t Changed For the Worse Lately

Stephanie looks forward to more weeks of not being a complete cunt.


Political Triumph: Biden Cancels Students for Good!

#studentsareover


BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?


Dweeb! Single Tables Force Students to Relive Middle School Trauma

During meals, students sitting alone scream out in agony: “I’m getting my braces off next week, I promise!” One student even broke down crying, muttering to himself: “But, my mother tells me I’m beautiful.” 


Relaxing! Professor Wishes Students a Refreshing Engagement Day as He Replaces Lecture With Quiz

He so strongly emphasizes the importance of mental health during the pandemic, even mentioning it in his syllabus right above his zero-tolerance late policy and no partial credit grading policy.  


Gutmann Rejects "New Normal," Accepts Usual Paycheck

"And what's worse, everyone is talking about this "new normal" like we are never going to be able to go back to how life was before. I'm putting my foot down. I won't accept it."


Ivy League Already Cancels 2021-22 Seasons

 “I am pleased to say that our great league will not be playing sports for the foreseeable future,” Harris said. “We are once again taking the lead on this issue, and I am determined to uphold our league’s reputation."


It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 


Penn Football Coach Ray Priore Takes On Second Job as Pizza Delivery Driver

 In a recruiting twist, Priore is rumored to be the hiring target of local favorites Allegro Pizza and Zesto Pizza. 


Athletes Attend Classes More, Get Worse Grades

Better step it up student athletes! 


Penn Basketball Unveils Chipotle Men's Bathroom Presented by Taco Bell at the Palestra

“There’s definitely a lot of influence from Taco Bell and Chipotle in that bathroom,” one student said. “I can safely say that I’ll be watching from my dorm next game.” 


Penn Lacrosse Team Suspended for Inventing Fake Sport To Get Into Penn

What tipped the investigators off was one key flaw in this ingenious plan: No one had been seen playing this sport in real life outside of a fictional state called Connecticut.


In Midst of COVID Recession the Pleasure Chest Offers New $1400 Deluxe Package

To keep up with demand, The Pleasure Chest has just announced a new sale that the business is sure will attract customers' stimulus-check-heavy pockets. 


Penn to Erect Campus’ First Sex Dungeon

Penn administrators and city leaders joined together Thursday morning, April 1, 2021, for a ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially kick off the construction of the campus' first sex dungeon. 


PennConnects