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News


Fossil Fuel Divestment ‘Economically Infeasible,’ Say Trustees Sipping Petroleum From Champagne Flutes

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.


5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover

School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.


How to Pick the Best Restaurants on Campus to Take Your Visiting Family to Drown Out Your Arguments

If you’re going to have a fight with your family, you might as well plan for it to be at one of campus’ most argument-accommodating restaurants. Here’s how to choose.


Without a Super Bowl Parade, Students Are Just Taking Wednesday Off

No Super Bowl? No problem. Meet the innovative students who plan to straight up skip classes on Wednesday. 


Philly Public Transit Rebrands as SEPTÆ to Appeal to Penn Students

There will also be cars for English majors, which go nowhere and do nothing, but look good while doing it, and for CIS majors, with an endlessly repeating announcement counting down the hours until the next problem set is due.


21 Savage Gets Snap Bid from Owls

"All of us at Owls are rooting for 21, and we hope this whole ICE rubbish gets sorted out soon."


Quiz: Phone Number or Amy Gutmann's Salary?

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!


Report: 100% of People That Watch Super Bowl for Ads Are Quirky and Different

While she liked almost all of the ads, her favorites included “that one with the M&M, that funny one with the beer, and the one with the babies.” 


BREAKING: My Grandma Thinks That Fellow Has Too Many Tattoos

“What does that young fellow have all over his skin? He is very good looking I must say, but what is with the schmattas all over his chest area?"


Bookstore Flooding Ruins 3 Textbooks, Causes $2 Million in Damages

While the two recently refurbished escalators are reported safe and sound, the store is not without its damages. Witnesses say that the flooding really wasn’t too severe, but the damage is irreparable. 


Study: Purity of Brita Water Found to Offset Binge-Drinking and Chain-Smoking

"It’s absolutely mind-boggling how a $30 plastic product from Walmart can have a more profound effect on purifying the body than some of our multi-million dollar machines."


"Study Abroad Changed Me" Says Senior After Spending 1 Hour in North Philly

she learned what study abroad really means: embracing and learning from adversity. She gathered up her courage and decided to embrace discomfort.


Quad Freshman with Girlfriend in NCH Finally Understands Long Distance

When he found out his girlfriend lived in New College House, it suddenly felt as through their entire relationship had been put in jeopardy. Yet Rohde, being the optimist that his high school year book superlative said he was, knew he could make the best of the situation. 


Parents of Girl Sitting in Class in Front of You Paying $70,000/Year for Her to Text Ben from ZBT

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes."


BREAKING: Boston Born Eagles Bandwagoner Thinks He Can Re-join Pats Nation

Despite disrespecting his home state, community, and immediate family last year by hopping on the Eagles bandwagon, College junior Johnny Sullivan thinks that he can publicize his #PatsNation pride this cycle without anyone calling him out on his bullshit.


Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"


Gutmann Announces New Hall of Money to Replace Green Space Lost During Construction

When asked whether it was morally responsible to assemble an entire building made out of foreign currencies, gold bars, and the Bitcoin Penn bought, Gutmann lit a Cuban cigar with the second mortgages of struggling Penn parents and told UTB that she “doesn’t speak broke.” 


BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.


Average SAT Admit Score Jumps to 3750 Following Announcement of Fact Checking Policy

This impressive figure surely comes as a relief to the Admissions department after they embarrassingly disclosed that they’re unable to fact-check most applications.


United By Blue Offers Alternative Spring Break Option of Framing Photos of the the Great Outdoors

“We feel like our customers are already onboard with our message of ‘nature without the dirt,’ and so we felt that this would be another great way for consumers to feel like they might as well be contributing to a good cause."


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