Current U.S. President Donald Trump and tenured Penn Law Professor Amy Wax are neck-and-neck in their years long battle for most shameful public figure associated with the University of Pennsylvania. 

“Hear me out,” President Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS."

 "Under President Gutmann's leadership, Penn has really fallen on hard times. We've become the laughing stock of the world," stated Rapinoe. 

Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time. 

“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.” 

“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session."

"It’d be awful if I had to find validation in something other than some arbitrary test score from a soulless, money-grubbing corporation.” 

Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it. 

“Econ is definitely on my mind right now. I don’t know, the whole study — the field itself — is so interesting to me, you know?” 

"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions." 

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 

They found rock-hard evidence.

These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.

The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class. 

In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim." 

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”