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News


Bitch: This Anti-Vaxxer Takes Shots From Brad at AEPi But Not From Dr. Goldberg

Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?


Gay Rights! LGBT Center to Introduce Poppers on Tap

The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!


My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.


Senior Denied AI Internship by AI Interviewer

He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype. 


‘Rush is Just About Personality Fit!’ Says Rich Hot Friend

Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.


Ranking Women by Susan’s Personal Opinion is Actually Feminist, Assures Pan-Hellenic

“Feminism is all about empowering Susan, as well as those that Susan deems worthy of empowerment,” said the head of Penn Pan-Hellenic. "I promise we haven't misunderstood the concept."


Professor Submits Final Grades Late, Now HE Loses Half a Letter Grade

Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.


What’s at the Bottom of the Hill Dining Hall Peanut Butter?

 But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.  


Sophomore Develops Nicotine Addiction in Preparation for Semester Abroad in Europe

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad. 


Amy Gutmann Drops Lo-Fi Study Beats Playlist

“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.


Religious Student Writes ‘God Doesn’t Want Us to Know’ for Every Question on Astronomy Final

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.


'I'm Done With Finals Already' Reports Annoying-Ass Bitch

He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday. 


CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."


Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."


What a Dork! This Freshman’s Cover Photo Isn’t Even Promoting Anything

When I look at a stranger’s cover photo, I can tell if they have friends or not. If they’re promoting their club or frat’s latest event, it is clear that they have a social life and that they matter. However, if I see a photo of them with their friends, all I can think is “wow, what a loser.”


NCH West Planners Increase Noise Pollution, Successfully Drown out Noise Pollution Complaints

Situated at the corner of 40th and Walnut streets, construction on the record-breaking $163 million dorm hall began in December 2018, with the site facing Du Bois College House, Gregory College House, and Rodin College House.


New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.


Resume Worthy! Sarah Used More Unique Words Last Week Than 99% of Grammarly Users

Said all other Penn students, “What the fuck is Grammarly?” 


Elon Musk Fails Design 101 Final

The Cyber Truck is so sleek and definitely does not look like a race car from a 1990's video game.


Penn Student Body Wins 'Best Professor' Award

Penn is known for being a vibrant and rigorous academic atmosphere, with top tier researchers and the best student self-teachers in the world.


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