Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”

Jennifer Mensito (E '21) "fucking hates" Valentine's Day because "it's fake, and so is everyone."

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 

It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.

Worried about the psychic implications of your style? Well, you should be! Here are four other shoes to avoid if you want to keep your inner fragility discreet. 

Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers

Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.

Alex is also the type to spend a lot of time going to the bar and the bathroom, giving you ample time to lock lips with that gay friend of yours. So fun!

Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now. That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming.

Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.

An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”

In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.

We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt.