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News


Helpful TA Wants to Inform You That "You Look Tired"

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.


Stealing! How to Simultaneously Manage Your Luxury Water Habit and Subversive Political Beliefs

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 


Quiz: Do YOU Know the Answers to the Geology Homework?

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 


Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.


Coping With the Loss of Fro Gro: A Photo Tour of the CVS Food Section

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.


Ay Bruv! British Student Finds Her Weekend to Be ‘Quite Nice’

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”


Junior Who Has Never Known Love "Hates Love"

Jennifer Mensito (E '21) "fucking hates" Valentine's Day because "it's fake, and so is everyone."


Engineering Student Only Gets Notifications from Team Snapchat

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 


Guys, Becky’s Lost Her Only Canada Goose Fracket for the Fifth Time, and It’s Sooo Cold

It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.


Chunky Filas and Four Other Shoes That Say “My Parents Did Not Show Me Enough Affection”

Worried about the psychic implications of your style? Well, you should be! Here are four other shoes to avoid if you want to keep your inner fragility discreet. 


Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier

Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”


Student Beats Dozens of Applicants for Opportunity to Make Penn More Money

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


The Statesman Condemns Penn Democrats for Accepting Student Government Handouts

Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.


4 Date Night Date Options That Are All Just You Making Out With Your Gay Friend

Alex is also the type to spend a lot of time going to the bar and the bathroom, giving you ample time to lock lips with that gay friend of yours. So fun!


Life Hack! Go Trick or Treating Now!

Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now. That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming.


CORRECTION: Professor Ewens Actually Very Young, Nimble

Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.


Students Required to Purchase Access Code for Classroom Door: Lecture Seat Optional

An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably

In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.


New Report Finds Prof. Warren Ewens Was Benjamin Franklin's First Hire

We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt. 


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