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News


Amidst Rising RSV Cases, Pottruck Gymbros Are Requested to Wipe Down Mirrors After Solo Make-Out Sessions

Nothing is more important than valuing yourself, feeling good about your appearance, and being comfortable in your own skin


Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

Dean Sniegowski sighs, “Another cross cultural analysis course wasted on crosswords.”


Valentine’s Day Miracle: I Have Recitation With the TA I’ve Been Hooking Up With

Hiiiii haha this might be a silly question but how do you transcribe jʊər aɪz ɑr soʊ ˈbjutəfəl?


​​12 Facts About Penn You Definitely Didn't Know

Did you know the 6-year undergraduate graduation rate is 102%?


Model UN Staffer’s Phone Filled With WAY Too Many Videos of Underage Kids

The staffer's phone is filled with videos of minors singing karaoke, dancing, passing resolutions, pretending to give birth, and other various acts the children's parents remain unaware of. 



SPONSORED: Class Board 2026 Offering Free Professional Backshots in ARB This Saturday

Missed out last weekend? Need a quick study break? Head on out back to the Academic Research Building!


Report: I Still Could Have Gotten Into Penn Even If I Wasn’t Legacy

A new report from my chauffeur explains I am very smart, and even if my parents didn’t go here 30 years ago, I still could have still gotten into the University of Pennsylvania.


Marc Rowan Lifts Baby Bird From Ground in His Hand, Crushes It

Marc Rowan's Awesome Day


Finally! Penn To Limit Study Abroad Students to Only One Private Story Post Per Day

We get it, you went to KitKatClub last night. Whatever. You can literally do that in Philadelphia too. It’s called TLO.


You’re Kidding Me! Junior Didn’t Get a Summer Job by Guilting a CEO He Found on MyPenn.

"Eh, I figured I’d talk to them for like an hour and see if I got a job."


Wharton Wellness to Enforce Chinese Water Torture for Students Caught Not Taking Advantage of Professional Wellness Circles

When Wharton Wellness’ paramilitary wing showed up to Gregory College House with a warrant, I knew that my luck had run out.


“Oi Mate, I’m Also From Manchester” Says Freshman Rushing Castle From Cleveland

When questioned for comment, the brothers only had good things to report about the now-international Trillo. “It’s just nice to be with some of your own,” responded a Castle brother from the Philadelphia Main Line. 


Hope Is Not Yet Lost: My Professor Tells Me I Definitely Haven’t Found My Genius Yet

It’s not in Philadelphia that I will write my magnum opus or cure my own common cold, but in a place unknown to man.


Food For Thought: Huntsman Kinda Looks like The Panopticon

From the GSRs, the Wharton students who book them can see every non-Wharton student, but these second-class citizens will never know whether or not they are being watched.



Classic! Delusional Dumb Friend Makes Eye Contact With Crush, Now It's Everyones Problem

“OMG bitch, he’s so into you!” I reply. 


Collapsing The Binary: HipCityVeg to Offer Vegan Escargot

Eat a burger, you sick fuck.


GBM GONE WRONG: Club President Dropping Bag of SHS Condoms on Table, “No One Leaves Until These Are Finished!”

Clearly, this is a call to action. The entire club turned and looked at one another. We knew what must happen.


Fuck Yes! Teresa Caputo Appointed Chair of Penn Religious Studies

We return to fantasy not to forget, but to remember: other futures are possible. 


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