News


'I Hate Glass Ceilings' Notes Student Who Spends Free Time Calling Amy Gutmann a Robot

Sammie Tomson (C ‘19) is committed to shattering artificial barriers to success. She’s also deeply dedicated to exposing Dr. Amy Gutmann for the fraud she is.


Revolutionary: Junior Fulfills Arts and Letters Sector by Watching Miyazaki Films in Pod for an Entire Semester

“Why take Chick Lit or Roman Mythology like a sucker when you could be relishing the Pod experience,” Blankenship gloated before returning his attention to a 15-second clip of “Spirited Away" looping on a nearby monitor.


Five Ways to Lie About Your 2.0 GPA this Holiday Season

'Tis the season, and if you have anything lower than a 4.0, your ass is grass and your family is going to mow it.


Sophomore Who Was Promised by Professor There Was No Formula to Getting an A Creates Formula to Get an A

He hadn’t shown up to his PSYC 170 class since mid-September and with the final in the morning, he knew his ass was grass.


Wellness Win: Student Lives with Endangered Panamanian Sloths to Not Feel Insecure About Study Habits

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.


College Senior Still Harbors Suspicion That She Was Admitted to Penn by Accident

“I just sometimes feel like I was admitted by mistake,” Jones explained. “Not just ‘sometimes,’ actually. I regularly feel that way."


Smirnoff to Make Handle-Sized Ice

In a press release today, Smirnoff announced it would be making a larger serving size of its popular drink, the Ice. 


Campus Sports Fans Thrilled They Can Still Bandwagon Penn Men's Basketball

Tens, maybe-but-probably-not hundreds, of students on campus rejoiced this evening when Penn men's basketball upset reigning NCAA national champion Villanova and shocked the world (except the three DP sports writers who "predict" every year that Penn will beat 'Nova — they totally called it).


BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.


In Trump's First Effort to Reduce Climate Change, Nation's Supply of Windmills to Be Relocated to High Rise Wind Tunnel

A recent announcement may finally quell some worries: Trump has ordered that the nation's supply of windmills be relocated to the high-rise wind tunnel.


Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett Just Happy to Be Here

Known to most students for speaking at convocation and co-signing emails with President Amy Gutmann, Pritchett spends his the bulk of his time these days lounging in his den.


Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 


Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.


Generous Billionaire Calls Uberpool for Date

When Latisha Montgomery (C ’20) went on a date with Vanessa Laurel-Smith (W ’19), she rightly assumed that her date (the daughter of the plastic tycoon Jonathon Smith), would be willing to spoil her a little bit.


BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.”


Impressed Penn Tour Group Literally Blown Away By High-Rise Wind Tunnel

At around 1pm this past Wednesday, a fifteen-person Penn tour group was propelled into midair while being lead through the violent high-rise wind tunnel. 


Deluded Sophomore Wears Cute Underwear to Formal as if Date Will Actually Fucking Notice

College sophomore Claire Sturges already knows what she will wear to her casual hookup's fraternity formal tonight.


Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 


Woman in Bodysuit Taking Dump Fully Naked in Handicap Stall

After deciding to wear her new lavender bodysuit she purchased from Urban Outfitters on Black Friday, Rebecca Cartwright (W ‘20) was left to make her usual afternoon coffee-induced defecation fully in the nude.


Rebel Student Writes Essay in 11pt Arial Before Enlarging to 12pt Times New Roman

Vilsack opened up a new document in Google Drive and just started writing.


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