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News


Breaking: Your Answer Not One of the Multiple Choice Options

You realize that this small incident is indicative and a parallel to your life as a whole: you can work intensely and diligently to build yourself and your ideas, but if you don't fit one of the prescribed outlines, you are considered wrong.  


Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.


I Lived It: He Left Me for a Girl Who Uses “Begs the Question” Erroneously

Readers, my jaw was on the floor. Did this girl seriously just invoke the logical fallacy in an erroneous manner?


Liberal Hoax! COVID-19 Testing Fake, Biden Just Really Thirsty for Human Saliva

"By ingesting the saliva of every citizen, I can consume your thoughts and, in this way, connect intimately and effectively with the needs of the American public." - President Joe Biden


Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!



Student Appeals Academic Board, Claiming Her Biracial Relationship Satisfies Cross-Cultural Analysis Requirement

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”


Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation

Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier.


Progress! Only Two (2) Students Sent to Hospital After Commons Dinner This Week

I hope to one day acquire enough power to end the Penn dining plan once and for all. But for now I will eat my La Plancha meal swipe burrito and ponder a better future. 


Guy in Cinema Studies Class Keeps Comparing Everything to Madagascar

Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.


Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?


Heartbreaking: UTB Writer Befriends Fictional Scapegoat Character from Their Articles

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”


Penn to Open Branch Campus in Cancun for Spring Break Classes

Life is full of surprises. But one constant in my life has been seeing sorority sisters and fraternity brothers make their annual migration to the tropics for spring break.


Rerouting The Tri Delta Spring Break Trip: The Girls are Now Going To Rural India!

Travel Update! The sisters of renowned sorority Delta Delta Delta have canceled their Miami plans, opting to visit the town of Kharagpur, West Bengal this March.


Dining Halls Go Self-Serve, Thousands Flock to Fill Pockets With Grapes

After months of being an observer in the culinary arts, I am now chef!


Penn Promises Pizza At Recess To The Class That Uploads The Most Vaccine Cards

Pizza slices will be limited to one per person and will be a generous two inches in width.



Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?

The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!


BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.


Pritchett Finally Becomes Something Everybody Understands!

I am Interim President. I matter. I am enough.


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