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News


Citing ‘Preservation of History’, Town Refuses To Remove Hitler Statue

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 


Gays Move to Now-Accepting Texas After Supreme Court Ruling

They're holding their guns. I guess that's the Texan way. Oop, the slurs are coming, I hear them now, but I feel like this time the slurs are coming from a point of acceptance.


Thank God! Buzzed Hair to Grow Out Again Before Country Reopens

"In those online 'cut your own hair' tutorials, they never tell you how drunk you're supposed to be. Turns out, maybe not as drunk as I was haha!" Norstalick laughed, nervously. Her family reported that she was completely sober when she buzzed her hair. 


Op-Ed: Hot and Very Real Girlfriend I Met on Tinder Keeps Asking for My Social Security Number

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet my lovely Jessica in person. We’ve actually never even spoken. Pretty hot right?


BREAKING: Local Botanical Gardens Wants You to Know They're Against Racism

At its core, Ur Local Conservatory and Botanical Gardens’ mission is to improve quality of life and connect with the community — elderly women, garden geeks, and the occasional school field trip. As part of that mission, we are supporting the resolution declaring racism a public health crisis.


Modern Day Malcolm X! Jessica Posted a Black Square on Instagram

Jessica had not posted a single thing about the Black Lives Matter movement before #blackouttuesday, but she was sure to use the #blacklivesmatter hashtag to drown out any useful information being shared on social media.



Oink Oink! Meet the Gay Cop Queering White Supremacy

Morris may owe most of his freedoms he enjoys as a gay man today to queer people of color like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, but today he is a proud member of the system the brave LGBT people at Stonewall were rioting against.


Wow! Suzie Ends Racism by Posting Black Box!

Little did she know, but her post was exactly what the world needed. Within a minute of posting, racial tensions diminished, equality was reached, and people all over the world began to sing a song that had never been sung.


Protesters in University City Implicated in Breaking Harrison Elevator

One Black Lives Matter protestor, Nathan Jones CAS '21, questioned the legitimacy of such accusations. "Assuming that Black Lives Matter broke those elevators would be assuming that any human being would actually go into those elevators voluntarily. I know those elevators, and I'm telling you, it's a lie." 


Heartwarming: This Cop Hugged a Baby Right Before Throwing Her on the Ground

Everyone knows the best way to deal with someone protesting police brutality is to commit police brutality. 


New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak

 “I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shovin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my already small balls and it hurt a lot.” 


‘I'm Going to Exercise Tomorrow’ Says Student Every Day

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 


Forget the Bikini, Sophie Looking Forward to Getting Mask Tan This Summer!

Sophomore Sophie Pearson would usually be hitting the beach to work on her tan, enabling her to flex on her friends come fall, but this summer she's got a small modification to her usual plan in mind.


With Finals Over, Josh Looking Forward to More of the Same

With his usual summer activities on hold, Josh continues to spend much of his time sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom with his laptop in his lap and a slight sadness on his face. 


After Grueling Day of Watching Netflix, Student Is Ready to Finally Unwind

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 


Penn Hires Jungle Cruise Guides to Give Campus Zoom Tours

“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”


Student Enrolls in Summer CIS 160 To Preserve Mental Health in Quarantine

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 


Basically Shakespeare: Jeremy Finishes 700-Page "Killer Bean" Fan Fiction

Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"  


Mr. Clean to Step up as University Co-President

“Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this very seriously, but we also really want to open because we are committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall.”


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