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News


New Accounting Professor Kind of Weird

Don’t get me wrong, he’s great at accounting. Or counting, at least.


BREAKING: To Enter the Kelly Writers House You Must Have Clit Piercing

As more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months. 


Meet the Under the Button Writer Born in Late 2013

Sydney Gelman sits on a mint green loveseat in her above-ground bunker apartment. Sipping on a Diet Coke, she looks around the apartment with disdain and calls it a “windowless asylum.” Gelman, a writer for Under the Button dot com, has the dubious distinction of being the youngest on staff. 


Penn Panhellenic Reveals That Dining Hall Food Has Been Hazing This Whole Time

Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.


Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names

He pointed out a girl called Elizabeth Meaner and promptly called her “Eliagsdyhjfdhjf Mafgsdhjgdfkfd.”


Wacky! This Junior Wore an Alumni Scarf During Homecoming

He hasn’t even graduated yet and he’s wearing an *alumni* scarf. Even professional comedians can’t come up with this kind of stuff. 


Penn Bookstore Deal! Pack of American Spirits to Be Given with Each Purchase of Art History Textbook

No longer will these “super-broke-but-can-still-afford-dresses-from-Reformation” creative types have to dole out almost 13 dollars at Avril 50 to maintain that sweet nic fix. 


Here’s the Secret-Menu Class That Counts for Every Requirement BAbeyyyyyy

Hey funky ladies. You thought classes could only double count? Nah-uh, sweet face. That’s what they want you to think. Here’s the one class that quattuordecuple counts for all 14 of those foundational requirements and sector requirements.


Following Big Donation, Penn to Rename Philosophy, Politics, and Economics Major to Politics, Philosophy, and Economics

After a recent multi-million dollar donation by James Politics, PPE is getting a major name change. After years of placing philosophy first in its three-pronged list, PPE is relegating it to the second P slot. 


UTB Actually Very Bad, Low-Quality Publication

Yes, one might say, we are different, but being different doesn’t mean we’re any good. 


New College House West Construction Heats Up: Building Starts to Blush

New College House West construction is starting to really pick up steam, with all of the equipment beginning to fire on all cylinders. 


Caps Installs an Elementary School Swing Set on College Green for Students to Brood On

Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.


Top 3 Places to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at UPenn

Although no one can be certain of the exact day, every prepared citizen should have a well-thought-out plan. 


Padded Rage Rooms to Replace GSRs

PennCAPS will offer two types of “mental relief rooms”: the padded room and the rage room.


'I’ve Always Wanted to Try Shrooms,' Says Friend Who Literally Never Will

“Did you see the way the trees were, like, breathing? I really want that to happen to me, too. The scenery was just so pretty.”


Penn-Princeton Game to See Massive Turnout, Might Fill One Row of Student Section

Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. The storied Penn-Princeton rivalry has been a source of much excitement on campus and has captured the attention of maybe six Penn students over the past 20 years. 


Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time.


Still a Virgin? Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan for That

“Our community has been overrun with gamer virgins. I won’t allow it. #resist”. The proposed legislation could be found in an attached google doc. 


Declan Fibonacci Brings Golden Ratio to Party

Fibonacci produced streams of artichokes, pine cones, and broccoli, all of which began to pile up in front of the rickety frat house door.


Freshman Booby-Traps Dryer to Protect His Laundry

After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.


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