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News


Penn Researchers Unable to Determine Why the Rhythm Room Exists

Everyone is confused when they go to the Cinemark and remember that there is, for whatever reason, a bar inside of it. 


Incoming Freshman Wants to Major in Econ Because It's 'Interesting'

“Econ is definitely on my mind right now. I don’t know, the whole study — the field itself — is so interesting to me, you know?” 


President Amy Gutmann Crosses 33rd St DMZ, Becomes First Penn President to Visit Drexel

"This marks a new chapter in relations between our two great institutions." 


Summertime Magic! Formerly Popular Student Transforms Into a Friendless Hermit

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 



Penn Ranked 15th in Order of Colleges Listed On Dropdown Menu When You Type “University of Pennsylvania”

These schools only exist to confuse Penn students who are just trying to sign into their Xfinity on Campus accounts.


No Bueno: Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker Fail Spanish 110

The two candidates found a CITsender email in their inboxes, informing them that their grades for Spanish 110 had been posted. Both opened the emails to find that they had received an F in the class. 


Fox News' Tucker Carlson Reports: First Democratic Debate Who?

In their defense, Fox News hopped right into discussion after the debate had finished. "This is Tucker Carlson reporting from a green screen of the Democratic debates in China. This just in. Democrats: do they exist? And if so, I think I might hate them. Back to you, Jim." 


Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 


Sad! Hypebeast Intern Disappointed Supreme Court Justices Own Nothing from Supreme

In a crushing wave of disappointment, Sandez then realized that the Supreme Court was in fact not the legal branch of the fashion company Supreme. 


Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby! 


Student Living at Home Schedules House Meeting After Roommates Come Home Drunk from Aunt Linda’s Again

“Really you two?? I thought you raised me to never act like this,” said Samantha. 


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."


Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past

 “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” lamented Patterson, "I ghosted those people for a reason, Facebook."


Shocker! Your High School Math Teacher Still Thinks You're an Incompetent Piece of Shit

She knows who you are. She knows what you did. She’s your high school math teacher, and to her, you will always be an incompetent piece of shit.  


Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. 


Beep Boop: Comp Sci Major to Enter Sleep Mode Over Summer Break

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 


Pathetic: This Linguistics Major Can't Spell Wendesday

I can tell you that it comes from the Middle English word Wednesdei, which comes from the Old English word Wōdnesdæg, but I just don't know man, I can't spell Wensday for the life of me.


BREAKING: Ultra Conservatives Now Advocating Fetuses’ Right to Bear Arms

 If a fetus is not permitted to bear arms, how will we be protected against tyranny? 


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