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News


Aww: Local Incel Elated to See Tinder Match Who Ghosted Them All Cozy and Well-Hydrated at UBB

The critically acclaimed creep show You has a fifth season set in the most perilous, abstract, iridescent slice of paradise: United By Blue (Coffee (Inc(.))).


Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

“Anyone else smell fish?” asked a concerned bystander.


Good for Her? Girl Who Won't Stop Talking About ASL Knows 2 Signs, the ABCs, and Not One Deaf Person

"I think this one means love... Or if you ask my boyfriend, it means rock on!"


Dad Checks Watch, Longs for WWII Podcast He Saved for Ride Home From Family Weekend

Adam was enduring his sixth hour at Penn and ninth hour of “family time” that day.


Bhad Bhabie Hired to Lead Wharton Venture Lab

Bregoli recently had a moving speaking engagement at Oxford University, which is a big deal if you pronounce your r’s weirdly and can’t cook.


Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

He did corporate finance, I wrote about instability in the middle east... we are the posterboys for diversity at Penn. <3


Pranked Again! Quake Puts Lube in Dinning Hall Hand Sanitizer Dispensers

The magazine, known for printing students' grainy low lit nudes and try hard poetry, is venturing into pranks as performance art.


After Two Months of College My Body Consists of Primordial Soup

It just needs a zap of electricity to make some basic monomers.



Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

How did this man have access to all this information? The answer may shock you.


Joy of Extra Hour of Sleep No Match for Horrors of 4:45 PM Sunset

If this is the price we must pay, I say let the daylight go unsaved.


Students Watching Math 104 YouTube Videos Extremely Educated About Fetterman’s Campaign

They can correctly answer how long Oz lived in New Jersey, but have zero clue what the chain rule is.


OP-ED: Halloween is Unnecessary, We Already Constantly Live in Fear

Sure, ghosts, zombies and vampires are scary, but wouldn’t we rather face poltergeists and the undead than face loneliness, ostracization, apathy, and disappointed parents? 


I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 


You Might Remember Us: We Went to Frat Thing, Who Cares?

We are the ones who put our groupmates to shame with an unprecedented number of Instagram story views last Wednesday evening.


High-Rise Mice, Rats Complain of Student Infestation

“Oh, they’re terribly uncouth, I feel I must say,” said Alfred IV, a mouse from Harnwell, where his family has reigned for centuries.


Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 



Student With No Depression Exhibits Stellar Executive Function

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Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.


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