Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden
Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021.
News
Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry
In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”
Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Cold and Disease Ridden
Ultimately, everything is bad and nothing is good, and we should all strap in and buckle up for the joint slay of horror that is coming to us in the spring of 2021.
0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel
It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth.
Trump Gifts His Kids Coal for Christmas to Support the Mining Industry
In an interview Trump said, “I got coal every year in my stocking. Believe me, coal is a staple of this great American holiday.”
“Hey Slut! Want A Free IUD?” Penn Medicine Pilots New Targeted Ads
We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.
Penn Endorses Microdosing of Spring Break
“I think this microdosing idea is really good,” said Engineering junior Ower Worked. “It’s like how, instead of getting 9 hours of continuous sleep each night, I take 540 one-minute naps throughout the day.”
In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips
You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.
Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes
I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.
Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting
“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”
BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws
One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."
Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students
Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.
Ableist! Readings Days Not Inclusive Towards Illiterate Students
Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.”
Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major
There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.
Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis
Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode!
An Ivy League Student’s Guide to Reading Analog Clocks
Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.
Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package
Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!
Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway
Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.
The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green
Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!
Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"
Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.
Student Spotlight: Penn Undergrad The Lorax Accepts Internship At ExxonMobil
Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?
Student Combines Everyone's Canvas Discussion Comments Into One Ultimate Comment At the Last Minute
Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree.
