Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes
I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.
News
BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws
One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."
Mistake! Student With Poor Time Management Signs up for All Asynchronous Classes
I know I've struggled with time management in the past, but I really want to make my own schedule, which is why I've elected to take all online classes.
Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting
“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”
BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws
One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."
Wharton Students Receive Extra Gifts From Beneath the Christmas Trees of CAS Students
Whether the gifts are just stocking stuffers or the new PS5, Wharton is taking the opportunity to teach a lesson in trickle down economics this holiday season.
Ableist! Readings Days Not Inclusive Towards Illiterate Students
Under the Button will be organizing a real, totally legitimate protest tomorrow at 3:47am in front of College Hall to demand the administration change “Reading Days” to “Days.”
Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major
There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.
Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis
Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode!
An Ivy League Student’s Guide to Reading Analog Clocks
Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.
Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package
Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!
Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway
Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.
The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green
Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!
Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"
Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.
Student Spotlight: Penn Undergrad The Lorax Accepts Internship At ExxonMobil
Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?
Student Combines Everyone's Canvas Discussion Comments Into One Ultimate Comment At the Last Minute
Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree.
Student With Imposter Syndrome Spotted Faking Tasks
He could just be intimidated by the intense culture here, and I don’t blame him for covering up when Penn Face is so bad these days.
Pretty Rainbow WordArt and 5 Other Ways To Gently Tell Yourself That Penn Won't Be Reopening in January
You’re all thinking it, and you’re all too afraid to say it.
Dean Furda's Spirit Emerges As Student Repeatedly Chants “Interdisciplinary” Into Mirror
The lights flickered, curtains billowed, and a faint “Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvan-i-a” wailed in the distance.
Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop
When asked to comment, he told UTB that he didn’t really want to spoil any big surprises for 2020 2.0, but wants to bring back one of his favorite characters from the past in a big way: the killer clowns of 2016.
Gregory College House to Finally Get Air Conditioning in 2087
"Since we kicked kids off campus this semester, they will be so desperate to move into on campus housing that they won't even have time to complain about the lack of AC," explained Gutmann.
US Joins Haiti, Iraq, and Other “Shithole Countries” in Anti-Abortion Coalition
“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”
